Thoughts on reading “being mortal”

I had read this book by Atul Gawande sometime in 2021 when the pandemic was still a rage and had quite some thoughts on it penned down on a paper which I discovered today . also  looked back on the blog abandoned for so long so thought of posting the same.

I do wonder how much of the what the author wrote he stands by in his current situation more than anything

“Our textbooks. Had nothing on aging of fragility or dying “ – except maybe philosophy which ones have really – when we read textbooks, we live as if there are, but so many tomorrows so much to do and frailty is for others. Dying. Seems like the most distant thing. Of course, this generation unfortunately has had it all rammed into their youth by Covid.

But for us from the 90s when we read  textbooks, of any kind, few would ponder on it as a near-term thing.

“What tormented Ivan Ilyich…. was the deception, the lie. All accepted that he was not dying …. He would only need to keep quiet and a treatment. Good would result “

“no one pitied him as he wished to be pitied as a sick child is pitied” – And this is, what is truly lacking in our medical institutions irrespective of the money. One pays or the doctors earns .

 A thought to understand the patient rather than their disease category. Truly, they rarely these days even get the disease, right? The chances that he could return to anything like the life he had were zero, but admitting this and helping him cope with it, seemed beyond us.

If only there was someone, who would admit this and spare the patient, and sometimes the care givers the trauma. But no, in the current medical setup, this is considered a failure by all sides. So no it won’t happen.

“Dying and death, confront, every new doctor and nurse”. Do they really?

I wonder these days experiences with young giggling  nurses in India and astute smart boys, ready to help for the right amounts. Make me feel they are more immune to it.

Doctor’s no idea. They have more polish and formal interactive scripts to mumble are used. But yes, when they started off the studying and practice, maybe – I remember once in a novel about doctors, I had read when young, the person speaks about imagining every disease on self-based on symptoms. And I had felt so empathic for that. Exactly why I decided, and I’m very glad not to pursue biology.

“There is no escaping the tragedy of life which is that we are all aging from the day. We are born.”

 We all theoretically accept this. Once we are 30 plus, or minus. I think. But to confront and think and live based on accepting it is different. We push back and the body gives the aging signs beat looks or strength, till it really grounds us in Some way . Is to push back, right? i.e the victory of the spirit.

“ Lacking a coherent view of how people might live successfully all the way to their very end. We have allowed our faiths to be controlled by the imperative of medicine. Technology. And strangers, “

Considering this book is from 2014. I wonder how the author would defend this now when almost all the medical community wants to control the fate of this world en-masse  by their vacs(aka1 ring) to rule them all, kind of discourse.

“But what if the sick in the aged are already being sacrificed – victims of our refusal to accept the inexorability of our life cycle. And what if there are better approaches right in front of our eyes, waiting to be recognized, “

He describes his grandfather’s old age in India, the ideal life catered to by the next two generations. I just think he missed watching movie Baghban, which when this book was published was the favorite movie of the generation who had catered to this idyllic life, hoping that they would get it too. Alas the world is off the idyllic ways.

But other than that, the description in the dilemmas and the facts, he describes of those living in the 60s to 90s is quite true.Age, had a power those days. The kind youth now has,

“whenever the elderly have had the financial means they have chosen what social scientists have called intimacy a distance”

Which  I believe is why the grandparents then were happy to live in villages as long as the money is sent home but the next generation though wanted more. Money They have earned. They wanted the power of age, which sadly no longer is given in the current times,

The description of the old lady, as she lives independently, from late 50s to the 70s. And then finally, in the 70s still she needs help exposes the fitness fallacy. If you live long enough, however, fit you are at a given point, you’ll be a dependent. So all the health and fitness does prolong years of being independent, if you’re fortunate to be, not struck by random modern diseases, but at some point age, you will be bedridden or dependent.

And this explains why in India people put so much value in carrying on the generational legacy. That today’s generation is incapable of providing what they provided (willingly or unwillingly) is Something many are not open to come to terms with.

The causes may be many physical financial mental, but millennial generation, who seems to have the greatest empathy for every cause has the least ability to do the actual drudgery work. Sure They suggest brilliant technological ideas example Robot  companies for the elderly completely. Ignoring the fact that these oldies they empathize with will actually want the actual sacrifice of their youth ,of their time effort and maybe all else and certainly not smart robots- for they believe, they sacrificed much, raising us and deserve that back. Sure there are exceptions which only prove the point .

For even the fittest independence is not sustainable. And once that’s gone, you’re just dependent on fortune / karma and all such for whoever you depend on be it  children, servants , nurse but it’s their dependence, which will haunt those who go with the ever independent theory and that’s a hard thing to think through.

Was discussing with a friend whose mother being completely bedridden is completely taken care by her Dad and we all said she must have so much good karma as in that generation its hard to get men who would do that – sure , pay for servant , nurses and all but doing it by self rare. But the lady in suffering considers it her bad karma that she needs to depend on her husband of all the people for every bit of her life.

Sure death is the greatest liberator and that is why across millennia fortunate those that die young more so if that happens for a nobler, glorious course,

The greatest pain and tragedy of life is experienced when you just wait to die. Sure A few poets and cancer and other survivors hack, those last days best.

But if they were given a choice of a long medicated fight of survival for a few more years or an instant end to the whole thing – most would choose instant end to life or so I think – accepting that I may be completely wrong .

The book does highlight that no, such choice really was available in most of history,

“as Montaigne, observed   ..to die. Of age is such a rare singular and extraordinary death, and so much less natural than others.”

“ When we study aging. What we’re trying to understand is not so much, a natural process as an unnatural one. Any particular reproducible pathway to aging? No. He said we just fall apart. “

The book focuses on USA. So the focus or need for geriatrics is understandable. Here in India? No, such discussion is done. If children don’t do what is listed by the geriatricians “ vigilance on nutritional ,medications.” well they are ungrateful and callous. That if they do also they are harassed for taking away their freedom is a different point.

“ The prevailing fantasy is we can be ageless the geriatricians demand. Is we accept. We are not “

some of the descriptions, he gives of a doctor retired, at 82. Describing his trouble, scare me at a age halfway of that . eerie similarities of the generation gap? Aging is faster ?

“used lotion to avoid skin cracks protected himself from heat. Saw dentist twice a year can’t think  clearly as I used to”

“ if I go back and look at what I’ve read, I recognize that I went through it. Sometimes, I don’t really remember, I try to deliberately focus on what I’m doing rather than do it automatically. I haven’t lost the automatic city of action, but I can’t rely on it the way I used to “

The book discussed a lot more on how old age affects out thoughts and why today’s medical system is simply unsuitable for the same. A few more thoughtful lines

“Old age is a continuous series of losses. Old age is not a battle old age, is a massacre,”

“The systems we’ve devised were almost always designed to solve some other problem modern nursing home. They were never created to help people facing dependency in old age. They were created to clear out hospital, beds”

“Taking care of debilitated, elderly person in our medicalized era is an overwhelming  combination of the technological and the custodial,”

“ the burdens for the today’s caregiver have actually increased from what they would have been a century ago.”

“ Home is the one place where you own where your own priorities holds way at home. You decide how you spend your time, share your space, and how you manage your possessions”

“ What makes life worth living when we are old and frayed and unable to care for ourselves. A theory of human motivation,”

“ What’s more our driving, motivations and life. Instead of remaining constant, change hugely over -time”

“ as people grow older, they focus on being rather than doing and on present them, the future. “

“How we seek to spend time may depend on how much time we perceive ourselves to have “

“when you are young and healthy you believe you’ll live forever as your horizons contract. When you see the future ahead of you as finite and uncertain the focus shifts to the here and  Now to everyday pleasures and the people closest to you .”

“the simple, but profound service to grasp a fading man’s need for everyday comforts for companionship for help achieving his modest aims is the thing that is still so devastatingly lacking more than a century later.”

“ Many of the things that we want for those, we care about are things that we would adamantly oppose for ourselves because they would infringe upon our sense of self.”

“ A medically designed answer to unfixable problems. A life design to be safe but empty of anything they care about “

“People with serious illness have priorities besides simply prolonging their lives. Surveys find that their top concerns include avoiding suffering, strengthening relationships with family and friends, being mentally aware, not being a burden on others, and achieving a
sense that their life is complete. Our system of technological medical care has utterly failed to meet these needs, and the cost of this failure is measured in far more than dollars.“

“When to shift from pushing against limits to making the best of them is not often readily apparent. But it is clear that there are times when the cost of pushing exceeds its value“

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Just a chequered thought

“All the world’s a stage,And all the men and women merely players” was famously said by Shakespeare .

A set of events triggered thoughts of a related but different perspective. I only know the basics of chess but the game itself is oldest for a reason and why it correlates to many things in world.
So just jotting the thoughts as a memory .

All the worlds people are just pieces of the chessboard wherein almost 99% of the people are just pawns almost all times but we all think otherwise 99% of the time .

Everyone at some some point esp when one is a kid thinks they are the kings for whom everyone else on the board can be sacrificed.
Then in youth one gets to a point of thinking they are powerful like the minister/queen and can do much and the rules do not really apply much to them and most pieces are secondary to them except just one king.
Slowly it dawns – we just have some degree of freedom by fortune which we can move forward like a horse or a elephant but that too for some cause/king,
and then almost always comes a point of misfortune when you realize you are just a pawn always meant to be sacrificed and it really is someone else’s game .

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As Time Goes By…A look back

After a very long time in these timeless times ,where some people have rediscovered their views on time, I looked back on this blog and though may be a few thoughts must be jotted down in such times.

Life has sapped the energy out of me kind of to do much really .
Funny my last few posts when I looked at.
One was about the positivity brigade – am I being sadist in seeing them clueless and consoling themselves as their “All is well – if not it will be well” scenarios being crumpled by the blows of nature and life. Oh well may be , I got a early dose of this from life and seem vaccinated partly .

I could not clearly recollect the movie ” Inside out ” about which I posted 5 years ago … Ah a reason for my blog – to remember what I forget so easily – for me so much is just ethereal by nature esp post my schooling somehow. Some times I just psycho analyze myself that may be its for my own good.

So here is why I though I better post something .

This quote I came across – I remember the book the story , I Just wish I had the ability to memorize the lines , but when I see I recollect.
So years ago in my early twenties , while browsing saw this and I remembered the day I bought the novel. I had read somewhere about it and found the book on the Sunday pavement bookstores and was looking at it appraising if I should buy and a young lanky teenage guy just came up to me and proactively told me . Please do buy it . Its a great book , and when I did read it I just wonder how much of that teenage rage was reflected by the book. And that is how books are.
Of all the joys life took out of me , my ability to sit for hours on reading a book without worrying on other things is what I practically regret the most.
There are consolations, like watching movies you could not have easily watched , reading perspectives from various strata of people, but really all the social media blogs they make you look at things . Only when you read a story immersed that you almost live a different life. Which is why I always loved fiction . These days non fiction helps for the broken attention span though .

I wish I could write about all the goodness and kindness OR the vileness and greed of humanity but I Just read of them all around and Ive lived enough to know both existed before and will exist after the current covid scenario which we are calling a radical change for humanity .

Saw a movie called Princess Mononoke , It was visually beautiful and there would be many reviewing it critically so lets just say , it a beautiful movie that showcases how in most cases no one really wins and man vs nature is a ongoing saga. very few can see with “eyes unclouded by hate” as said in the movie.

So when I thought well what do I post on this blog where I constantly keep saying that there is not much in this life which feels cursed at times. I loved these lines from the movie. “Life is suffering. It is hard. The world is cursed. But still, you find reasons to keep living.”

So I should well at least find reasons to keep writing .Though honestly I am over that phase of feeling cursed, its too much of a emotional feeling. Now its more a swing between the varying degrees of hopelessness – that nothing ever matters and well –
let me grateful that I get to write this sitting in my green balcony with the most awesome weather in May making you wonder is the sun in lockdown too !! (though On a personal note I love the sun way too much .)

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Dilwale – Exactly what people do in reality when they know you couldn’t fail

There is a positivity brigade upbeat in todays world asking one to live one’s dreams and that fear of failure is root cause of all people living miserably and stifling innovation.

There is that famous question   ”  What would you do if you couldn’t fail? “
And you would think people would change the world and it will all be creative ,wonderful innovative work and what not.

Well if there is a perfect counter to this its Bollywood esp the directors
making the films of the Khans.Look they know they wont fail.
Despite whatever crap they churn out they will get a great opening and money is pretty much recovered. And yet it is this guaranteed success that serves up the lowest variety of even the formulaic stuff.

Dilwale is actually a perfect film made with everything except ‘Dil’.

Its not like I went in with great expectation.
After over a year I went to a theater since I luckily managed to get tickets
and well growing up with Shahrukh and Kajol movies, that nostalgic feeling made me hope ok may be its  about seeing some nonsense movie just to see them together onscreen.

But just because you couldn’t fail is this the crap you get served up.
Yeah some people like that too really I found as I observed in the Theater.
Even Johnny lever I  felt like was disinterestedly overacting .
As for Shahrukh snip off the scenes with kajol , all other shots he seemed
to be like – ok yeah what’s the line – haan been there done that.

There is no limit to exploiting formula and chemistry of the lead actors.
Such lazy movie making…
Its been done by all Aaditya chopra, Sooraj barjatya and all but its like with every movie and 100 more crores they become more disinterested in the Dil part of moviemaking.

May be me and some of the old 90’s generation are out of touch but honestly – after Sholay and DDLJ which dialogues have been reused like this in movies.

Our Creative young generation cannot even write some original dialogues
that can be recalled for few days. oh I forgot there are joke tracks ..

I know this is a pointless rant but even when you set the bar low…it seems things just seem to slip low.

The positive here-

• well with such nonsense also its clear none of new brigade have onscreen chemistry to match this 90’s lead pair.
• And well I wrote a post – the movie made me feel so irritated for such a nice cast wasted !!

 

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Me looking beyond the fab4 and all the change

I did try to write a few things since last month – since typing on the PC was not working i tried writing it down.In fact when Saurav announced his retirement I almost scribbled 4 pages but as was not in a mood to type it.

And now I just dont feel in a mood to type what was scribbled.
My last post was about seasons changing in a very general perspective.
But now since then so much has changed irrevocably in this world.
There will be more dawns,
more flowers will bloom but what moved on will never be back.
There’s my favorite words from that beautiful song – Zindagi ke Safar me guzar jaate hai jo mukaam vo fir nahi aate(The destinations that you pass by in the journey of life will never pass you by again)
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Phool Khilte hai(Flowers do bloom)
Log Milte Hai (One does meet people)

Magar Jo phool patjhad me murjha jaate hai
Vo baharaon ke aane se khilte nahi(But the flowers that wither in fall do not bloom when spring arrives)

kuch log ek roz jo bichad jaate hai
vo hazaaron ke aane se milte nahin(Some people from whom we seperated are not found even by meeting hundreds of people )
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So much has changed with nothing changing on the surface.
Somewhere far there’s euphoria over a new President elect who people believe will bring in change.
The problem with such euphoric changes always is what change is not exactly anyone wants to think about.
You want to numb the pain and any thing like tranquilizer is good.

But nearer home and nearer to heart is a much smaller change the loss of our very own tranquilizers I guess.
It was a strange feeling this whole australia series.
All the time thinking more of the past series I was.Its taking some time to sink in.

No Sourav to watch any more…Kumble wont be around…
And people are after Dravid now and he being in the form that he is if one thinks by the head he better go with respect.
He has done a lot good and it would be sad to see him have to be thrown out without grace.
But when you think from the heart you just want it to last just a wee bit longer.May be till another abroad series.

Of course the last cut whenever that comes would be the hardest and its kind of a dread.
Cricket for my generation at least for me will never be the same without the Fab Four and esp the most special of them Sachin Tendulkar.

I dont like to write much on it because of huge nostalgia and stupid sentiment involved here.
Watching his cricket was the brightest light in my darkest days.

The Team photographs watching them together for may be the last time reminded me of my collectibles from college.
One being the Outlook magazine with the cover of the three of them as the Trinity.(I must have wallowed on this previously too in my blog)
I still look at it and think over the huge turbulences that happened esp since Chappell stepped in to scatter them , but it was so heart warming to see them all together at their felitications.

There seems to be a philosoper’s calm descended upon me or may be i just am acting it to myself
 to prevent looking back.Change does that to you at times.

Will still watch cricket after Sachin too signs off but it will just be a nice game.
There wont have tears anymore for a loss or for a wicket or a crazy joy within. Just pure fun.
There wont be any need to hate Mom for switching off the TV late in the night that is if i stay up till late.
Ironically she never does that now but then can I tell her its too late for the compromise or nicety or whatever.

May be there will be better players somewhere down the line lets see but I doubt if anyone can arouse the emotional attachment.

 

As Oscar Wilde put it
“The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life.
 And the body is born young and grows old. That is life’s tragedy.”

Our era is pretty much over…..the generation signified by the Fab Four in cricket – Shahrukh /Aamir and a few in Cinema  – a time of optimism – open economy – where being a world citizen was the buzzword.

Now there’s change – Dhoni – Abhishek/Ranbir kapoor etc and way too many – aggresiveness is a mantra – protectionist economies – and localite populism to the core is the keyword.

Not that I dislike so many of the current . I enjoy them but just that they fail to have  much of any original identity beyond being young and upcoming or leave any lasting impresssion except may be Dhoni for his unflappable calm if nothing else.
You look at Sreesanth and almost feel like supporting the opposition at times and thats the terrible thing.

In mainstream Cinema almost every heroine looks the same  and heroes are trying to also fit into the same mould.
Of course the offbeat movies now are quite a joy compared to what was available before.

“In a crazy world, it’s only your insanity that will keep you sane” -=-Leo Buscaglia.

So Right now I am getting nostalgic being immersed in reading all articles on net and news and stuff on TV about them just like I used to  before I had a real job and all and a future to work for.
The future anyhow wont be coming soon anyways so I let it hang in suspension and spend time looking up the tributes all around  from equally stupid people(who make me feel so sane) who even in such a state pen emotions so beautifully . I empathize and even sympathize. One awesome piece is here on cricinfo
There is only 1 time that i ever failed in my board exams and
 I did nor care much about it that day as India had won then – so states my diary – Ah my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I also got a scanner at home so I finally somehow decided to destroy my juvenile chronological personal diary.
Its presence caused useless trouble of misinterpretations at home once which makes me empathize with
  Ekta Kapoor’s storylines of misunderstandings so I did not want it.
You open it , read the hurt the pain and you see how ultra sensitive you were in a practical world.
So yes when I look at it I know I have grown up – becoming the cynical realist if nothing else.
Though one must say juvenile poetry is horrible to look back on.

So much of the writing is self focused. Someone said that – I said this – and then the quarrels the environment – the fears.
My blog now kind of like radiates my thoughts about others from me.
My diary was more like how the world around me and everyone’s actions radiated themself in to hurt me.
I can only laugh at how long its been since I believe that I as a story should have been done with by now – by the creator.
But the best part of it is – It shows my descent into agnostic behavior from a beleiver.

My dark future imagination actually has remained mostly intact from my diary days to my blog days except when I write of books.
I always seem to start with some tragedy of mine except  when there was a India win or Sachin century.
None of my fears were baseless or unfounded just that I have always  underestimated my resilience once I have lived and cried over them and overestimated their ability to finish me up.
So yeah I am quite a survivor till now though where this journey ends will decide if its any worth – this survival.

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A break

Hmm finally i will away from this blog for some time….moving to a new house…have to get a new net connection first…will try to make it faster….and finally i will have my own room (after half a lifetime’s wait….) where i can peacefully blog….hopefully!!!.

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