Archive for September, 2005

In this varied world of people esp in this country with its wide range you surely see all kinds of people but still when you see some one who lives it real time in a different world it kind of gets funny.
Well as is the fashion or in reality a client necessity lot of our brilliant s/w engineers need language and etiquette and other soft skills training.The usefulness of such trainings is very debatable.Personally i found them useless when they tried such stuff on me but then i am a strange conoction by god and a english medium average techie.It does work out good for quite some of our non english brilliant people…may be .lets leave it and get to the joke.
this is a second hand account as i refuse to be present first hand to receive such enlightening on attitude.but i just imagine it when a friend told me and laughed and laughed.well the lady who handles this section is the same youll see in any organizationbrilliantly turned out and with a voice stressing just the right syllables and attitude.so this was the question put
tell me one thing about yourself which you are proud of?

some people made the right noises.one spoke about being proud that he was an indian and he got lectured about how politics must not be associated with self.but the answer which made me laugh laugh and laugh was this.

“but mam one must not be proud of oneself “ is what was answered in such an innocent tone.poor lady all her preparation of the speech would have gone waste.
i really could not beleive such people still exist.the guy is one of those people from the far east actually and is always concerned about how much money we here in city waste which can take care of one family he says.i am not really very much into charity my views on that later some time but this line i was simply sitting in a boring meeting and amusing myself that still someone beleives that in a world where blowing ur drum is the norm and some self help books i browsed and found hopeless occasionally talked how if u dont blow ur horn others will use it as spitoon and what not.. and some more nonsense.but as much as i found it funny it felt nice people still retain such innocence.


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Just about a book

I bought the book “THE COLLECTED POEMS” about five years back when i was actually broke i mean almost three years of no employment and depression and how do you spend the five hundred bucks you are given on your birthday by Dad …. walk into a book store and you spot the lovely covered book by one of your fav author hold it and then
It was almost as though the book wanted to be taken and it seemed in my upset mood nothing would cure me.(I take that quote pretty seriously at heart it’d seem “If thou has a loaf of bread, sell half and buy a hyacinth to feed thy soul”) well i took it and the most agonising part is i have no decent book shelf so i cover it neatly which i hate because it hides the cover i like but to take care of it i need to cover it.ah ….what complexities life has.
To think if my mom knew i spent that much on a book esp in those days she’d have finished me by now by giving the foremost reasons for my messed up life as ever i.e. stubborness, love of books,cricket and lazy long hours of sleep.
Neverthless i love them all and i love my books .About the author I enjoy his novels they are good..will write about them when i have more timebut its not his stories its the feel which he puts into words almost poetic and musical.For example his novel THE EQUAL MUSIC is so depressing in a way and you dont even like the characters sometimes but you love the book there’s a lyrical feel woven into it.Thats why i love his poetry more esp the ones in “ALL YOU WHO SLEEP TONIGHT”. Today was browsing through it again and thought of posting this


Sit, drink your coffee here;
your work can wait awhile.
You’re twenty-six, and still have some life ahead.
No need for wit; just talk vacuities, and I’ll
Reciprocate in kind, or laugh at you instead.

The world is too opaque, distressing and profound.
This twenty minutes’ rendezvous will make my day:
To sit here in the sun, with grackles all around,
Staring with beady eyes, and you two feet away.

by Vikram Seth

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Subtlety and some memories

Last weekend i was bored of browsing esp had a gnawing feeling that i’ll be the victim of a carpal tunnel.So i flipped through channels and all i foundinteresting was was the ashes final test.I was watching it alone at home and it brought back memories when watching cricket had rated very up there in life.Books , Music ,Flowers ,Cricket that was what life was about.I am not very very comfortable being known as an avid cricket watcher in my current circle unlike then simply because everyone acts one esp its become to be thought of as a fad as if women have started watching cricket only after Mandira discovered it.
I loved to watch it with my Dad since i was a kid and was crazy about it though never played itmuch being an indoor kid.even now when he calls if there is a match on and he’s travelling he always calls me to come to the phone to get the score.I very much enjoyed it and was fortunate enough to have a friendwho played at the state level.She kinda ensured that i knew what was inswing , outswing , flipper etc were.What fun we had during the 1996 world cup…some of the best times of my life.
Those days news always was to be read from the last page…it still is if i have time to go through the newspaper.In those days we had that enjoyable Indian express or Statesman and enjoyed Pradeep Magazine and others columns.
Now to discuss cricket is like a show off and so i try to keep off it.Why even my mom hated it.She drove me many a time to tears by her obsessive hatred of what she thought was a terrible game enjoyed too much by people who wanted to do nothing .i.e my dad n me.Now my mom is cool about it as its socially trendy ….now when i dont have the time to stay home and watch it.It feels cruel.
Well thats all past …what got me into this flashback mode was this Ashes broadcast was it was on ESPN ..the commentators were simply talking about the game…none of the flashy nonsense you have to put up with(God i have to mute the TV while watching India playand to think there was a time i used to say quiet please let me enjoy the commentary too.)

Gilchrist was out just before lunch and so decently the relay ended saying ” see you in 35 minutes after lunch” and that triggered off all my memories of how it used to be before Sidhu and co ganged up and we have beauties , contests and what not.In a way i guess it may be the way we indians are..our love for drama, melas and over the board gaiety.

We indians sure know how to make the world rock our way.Its like we tell the world sell what you want to us but package it the way we want.

MTV is now worse than Indian music channels in airing only hindi flopmovie full songs and trailers of hindi movies.In our college days you’d be lucky to catch a hindi song on it.Pizzas we made them stoop and bring variety to their bland fare…..forced them to invent tandoori/tikka and what not flavor.
There are numerous examples of organizations being forced to change their strategyto cater to us the land of maharajahs and what not where you have to go overboard for everything …humor or sentiment.You just have to watch our advertising to know this best.

Subtle is not a word Indians like i guess sadly.

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Embers – as i read it

Embers – as i read it

I know nothing about the author Sandor Marai — this book is translated from german version which was translated from hungarian ….just a random pick which i keep doing . its actually a kind of monologue which occasionally is too much too long though it has other characters around they talk rarely and that too in oneliners.

Its a philosophical book in a way that the main speaker Henrik makes his final observations on life ,friendship and all the passions that govern it.The setting is the pre-world war era and the characters are 75 yr old and the last time they met was 41 yrs ago in presence of a woman who has since died. There is an air of emotional suspense running in the book but the end is may be abrupt…at the end may be you feel cheated if you like open and close stories.

But its the observations the book makes that make one feel being sympathized or understood. Some which all who observe and think of life at some point note and some which we never experience but wonder.
Some extracts which i found such, some echoing my thoughts and some making me ponder…………..

” For this they had no need of a pact…the sort of portentous intensity invoke by people when for the first time they experience an unconscious need to remove another human being from the world body and soul and make him uniquely theirs. For that is the hidden force within both friendship and love .Their friendship was deep and wordless , as are all emotions that will last a lifetime and like all great emotions this one contained within itself …a sense of guilt ,for no one may isolate one of his fellows from the rest of humanity with impunity”

“Nothing is so rare in the young as a disinterested bond that demands neither aid nor sacrifice…………….Everything life has to offer later, sentimental yearnings or raw desire, intense feelings and eventually the bonds of passion, will all be coarser, more barbaric.”

“Memory has a wonderful way of separating the wheat from the chaff. There can be some great event and ten twenty years laters one realizes it had no affect whatsoever. And then one day ,one remembers a hunt or a passage in book” “Sometimes it seems to me that words that we utter, or stifle, or write that are the issue, if not the only issue.”

“One rarely knows when an act or a word will trigger some final irreversible alteration in any relationship” “I am thinking that people find truth and collect experiences in vain, for they cannot change their fundamental nature………the only thing…one can do is to take the given’s of one’s fundamental nature and tailor them to reality as cleverly and carefully as one can.”

“The greatest secret and the greatest gift any of us can be offered is the chance for two similar people to meet. It happens so rarely–it must be because nature use all its force and cunning to prevent such harmony ,perhaps…..the renewal of life need the tension between two people of opposite temperaments who seek each other out…like an alternating current….between positive and negative poles, think of all the despair and the blind hope that lie behind this duality.”

“One can achieve everything in life, wrestle …..seize all for oneself, but one cannot change another’s tastes or inclinations…that essential otherness no matter how close or important the bond”

The greatest disappointment in the book was it has only one persons view– The woman’s view of course is not even expected to be presented from the beginning but you expect the answers or the view of the man being questioned but it is here you are disheartened.Despite its long lines which sometimes get frustrating the observations are pretty haunting with respect to the situation. But then books and stories and words , they keep safe my heart and soul from this world. Just googled it up seems they are makin a movie on it with Wionna Ryder.hmmm

P.S: had published this earlier on Fragrantechoes my other blog but preferred it here
so moved it.

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A week of some nevers

Went househunting the weekend.tried to compromise by hopefully getting an apartment( though i Never am happy about apartments) but its not to be it seems.liked one a bit too much dont know why..rare for me to like one as much and convinced mum and all that this one’d be great.yeah id hoped id get my own room finally but it seems it was not to be.i was pretty upset .

Pr was very upset kind the whole week in fact our whole gang of 3 n me was kinda fed up.those 3 are like sick and tired of the job and wondering what next in life.they have a great future the kids really…..its just thebegining …mine s a different story.then there was this whole appraisal business.the secrecy in which its done…did u get it no ….umm yeah ….in process…suddenly people who never bother to speak trying to extract info.its kind of hard to hide it with friends.no one is happy abt kc i guess but the fact is the work sucks firstly and if only that habit of getting too personal is decreased its kind of good for everyone in the team but yeah all have their demons to fight and their ways.i write so much against kc’s ways but i guess the fact is a guide is needed for kc to be better.. …which is lacking and of course authority but the fact is my managers manager is a damned terrible complex story.
there is so much unease all around….people feeling the stuck up kind.new people already bored.Finally had my appr discussion at end and ….. all said and done i realised again where i lackonly one place …. confidence .Self confidence ive but the confidence of taking iniative is lacking and yeah the manager did make that clear but point given …it was fair i felt in a way….it was made clear … ur skills in process and mangement are highly appreciated so better build on that as you work.dont bother too much about technical(there are way too many for that) just get the basics fine.and some more discussions.it was already late so cut short.

When i thought about it all i wondered
who was true in there…me hmm yeah 75% but does kc think well really of me,or we are both trying to outdo diplomacy levels.I know i dislike things about kc and very vocal about them bet friends and the blog but what i like is one thing the ability to learn and listen …only no good people to listen to are there.

aru was telling me she envies kc. i was ummmmmwhat is there to envy yeah a Sr manager at a young age than aru and me but look at life… no good.i probably dont dislike some people personally…just that in the work arena they simply are not fine.i was simply wondering …. me of all the work getting into marketing….not exactly but thats what im getting into indirectly.
Life always teaches me the same lesson.
Never say never…

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Today was another of those all depressing days. Not that something terrible happened but just that that whatever happened normally made me put things in perspective and that is not very good for me at a point in life where nothings quite right.
In fact the whole thing was going on since the last month but it kind of culminated in my mind today.
Yeah its again my work..frankly what else does one have time for.I realised how ive harmed myself once again by being non competetive, unaggressive and for all i care attitude.Its the circumstances i can say but then why bother to make it seem like an excuse.I find it easy to put it onto myself sometimes.I am lazy ,i am not brave enough.Its like so much easy that way for me.
My manager and my relations seemed to have hit rock bottom before we reconciled ourselves to circumstances for the moment. But we have a review meeting today with the senior management and that kinda made me feel bad for almost everyone ,my manager ,i me myself them.its like such a mess .
Then i asked myself why just think do something and then i came back to the same old conclusion.
People who can do dont have the skills or the courage or the hard hearted focus needed to do it.People who have the skills or courage dont have the authority or the chance to do it.
My manager is a ambitious person who has good technical experience but no people understanding skills (all those self help books will not help if you do not get it that every person is different) ,had the good fortune of being at the right place at the right time and so is at a much elevated position than peers.Quite some people in our team including me are older because we did not make it in the days of the great s/w depression and also because we r weird n stupid somewhere i guess …whatever.
The team goes on because of the sheer persistence of my manager but there is a severe lack of authority ,(which i believe is a must in a manager) and understanding that 20 people might be in a team but they are all amorphous entities and need to be handled differently.
But the tragedy is there’s no one to tell or help that person improve because the immediate sr manager is one hell of a sick person seriously demented in some way. I mean which PL will call their TL you stupid, idiot in front of a team. No wonder the TL never improves.
But where am i in all this to get upset.yeah i am .After the meeting i was somehow chatting up the TL …and this is what it was..

Me: The stats are justified how can we expect the freshers to deliver for the client from day1.So obviously there will be some variance in effort calculations. After all they gave us the candidates just 4 days before the clients expected work start date. he asked to train them since a month.
TL: yeah but how to explain it to the senior management. this is the problem with managers.
the people below will not listen(may b me included), the people above will not listen.
I can’t run a military rule.

my_thoughts: well then what are managers….isnt it to act as an intermediatary between people up and people below.i know u cant run a military because authority is not ur cup of whatever ..it is frowning and fretting which is ur strategy.

TL: see people want to leave because they have work, they want leaves, and then tell me after saying so many times how many come on time (a direct accusation to me who is almost a bit late always)
Me:i got the barb instantly .smiled and said yeah but then you see those who come on time don’t anyway get to leave on time and neither is their extra time appreciated in anyway except may be a thank you so they are not very encouraged.
my_thoughts: well you had it coming….but i felt bad the way this person was treated in there … i mean why are people measured by statistics which everyone who ever made a presentation or report knows are manipulated and i who made it this time did not manipulate them well enough to present the rosy pic they like. I mean they want issues presented but nothing uncomfortable …hmm then why ask for what you cant handle.

its good for them that i am not in a good enough position to question them coz for me its a change of field and i being quite a novice here cannot challenge them.
majboori hoti hai …at least i am ..coz im not at a point where i can take job risk.
my last rebellious experience at a previous job did bear fruit but it was too late and i gained nothing by it.
I myself am responsible for so much of this mess.Cant help it if i love to have a world beyond that job.
I mean after 10 hrs on job(11 is the max i stayed back any day…the thing is if there is equality and no team dependency i manage to do it much faster) and 3 hrs travel to and forth if i love to read , browse, listen to music and nap and of course blogs and not worry about the job ,the emails and the code and active participation to get noticed for promotion its all my fault.
Its a mess and then you come back home and find more of the personal mess. I think i am only at peace when im travelling to and forth between these messes i know the destination ,i can sit n wonder .
I read this as i post it its pathetic(i know a fornight from now i will find this post hilarious)…there was more nonsense but i m fed up so i guess but thats ok …i m off to sleep.
There is nothing sleep does not cure me of at least partially.

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It has been a very tiring week emotionally and physically what with so much work and weekend work.

Strange questions…strange doubts …doubts about ur own usefulness all kind of thoughts arose in the mind.What if you are not ambitious, are you useless then.

this post might seem a bit disjointed but thats how things have been.

lets see this situation

u r pretty friendly with v.v is someone whos a rookie but a brilliant one and has good knowledge of the work we all are going to be doing.( two reasons she can afford to learn this are she stays at a hostel which is closer and also ppl living in hostel have no hurry to go home mostly unlike us who have to suffer long tiring travel.)

now since the area of work is not ur area of expertise we r very dependent on v but this does not mean the work alloted to v is decreased .so v has to handle her work plus help some of us.now late into the end of day u are getting late and uve explained the issue and the rest can be taken care of in your absence so u think n wanna leave.this leaves v hurt and angry bcoz she has still so much work left while we r leaving .

now i can hate her for being so cranky and angry — after all what do i acheive by being there though she s been helpful but i do not because i know how harrowing the days been for her.

but i at the end of this feel upset why i have to suffer such cranky stuff, im no good…… ……yeah if i d stayed late really late coz thats the only way and learned all id ve been spared a bit if not completely (bcoz in the end its all a process followed thats needed not some knowledge) .

I could not think ill of her coz she’s a gud helping friend ,if not close or dear one but i could not just take it any more.

Hugely upset by all this and then there was more.

few new ppl in the team and one’s been put beside me to be guided…now guys dont like to be guided much by women esp peers, do it this way or use this report or follow this step, they sure do not like it.

I myself am not the most fun person and i hate a lot of the work that we do.

its damn routine in fact so horribly repetitive at some point that u need the day off to get sanity.In such a situation in comes this new guy who is just a week old has not done much here and cribs on and on about — this is too much nonsense— what kinda work is this–(i really wanna scream at him 2 weeks u r this then what r we to do since 6 months….its ur fault if u had rose colored glasses on— not mine but this is it and with time its only gonna get worse) but i try to be polite but i suspect with my transparent tone it sure shows how irritated i was.

my manager sure knows how to put it onto others damn.

but neverthless so its rumors flying i think that i am not being very helpful whatever i do……………..yeah for all i know he’s being a bad influence for me.

ive been lucky in quite some ways that though i myself crib complain ive had some very enthusiastic,funloving and willing to do kinda colleagues in my past job who really tended to make me feel so better.i still pester some of em by calling em up n cribbing and they still suffer me.

this job too some of us hate the stuff we do but its a job and we do it trying to be positive but when some one adds to your frustration and esp as if he’s doing us a favor its like there is a chain reaction of negativity which does no one any good.

i sensed there was a lot of background story too on this coz they changed the guys place …………..but damn them im still responsible for this person who probably hoped working for this known company meant happily coming in signing and listening to music ,chatting,using some great s/w tools and a happy balance in the bank.

poor thing he doesnt know what he’s into any way.

there was so much other nonsense but fed up of typing i’m .

whole week was like an automated story.

get up-> go to office -.come sleep->get up->office……….

after 4 days of being this upset …….today got some good sleep a bit relaxed spoke to friend and cribbed(and now here doing the same on this blog) and cribbed…poor fella he’s patient enough and then when i’m given a solution that speak to ur manager and communicate i argued no u do not understand …. no ..no no…this that.

finally at the weekend i feel so better n thats me.

me and v just got along having fun waiting till the next task doth set us apart.

it rained superb …… spoiling my plan to shop but neverthless liked it.

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