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Archive for September, 2006

A break

Hmm finally i will away from this blog for some time….moving to a new house…have to get a new net connection first…will try to make it faster….and finally i will have my own room (after half a lifetime’s wait….) where i can peacefully blog….hopefully!!!.

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In our wonderful world wherever i go i hear about life is all about attitudes and sure why not !!! and this is how wonderfully people i come across practice it….thats why i’d say its all a matter of perceptions .

  Positive attitude or plain shamelessness or self blindness…beyond me….Be positive.see no evil hear no evil talk no evil….ahem i.e WITHIN YOURSELF…thats the way most people perceive it.

 I probably had so much to write about this nosy neighbor of ours but found myself too lazy to write his untiring selfblinding behavior. 

Here’s this closer to fortyish man and wife who live in the portion attached to the portion we live in …and hence our personal conversations are pretty much public. And yet….the chap has the temerity to talk such nonsense. 

 Every morning we wake up to his voice abusing his wife in the choicest of local linguistics par excellence and yet he comes here and tries to be friendly in polished english.

‘You sisters dont talk at all….one should be friendly…come to my home for dinner”…yeah yeah…my sis chuckles we know how much dinner gets cooked for you and you wanna invite us…”

He keeps shrieking into his phone about alliances for his friends who want an educated housewife…we have enough god given…we dont want a working woman…woman these days have become so arrogant…all these working women…dont want to take  care of homes” 

After all this his statements to us “you see i like to be friends with everyone especially i like women a lot”……hoooooooooo 

I means its thoroughly amusing his unfazed and shameless words everday…what is more special is you can see he is not lying to us …. He has lied and convinced himself first….”THAT IS POSITIVITY. “

Why dont you die…when will you die and i can find another decent susheel kinda one(i mean wonder why did he not search one in first place is beyond us)…he actually begs her to go away to your moms place” 

When finally one day we did bother to chat up courtesy his only real help (though he talks of all the things that he can get done day in and night out)that of recommending a good enough cardiologist for my mom…he started telling about how one should speak well and quietly…now my sis not one to keep quiet ( unlike me who prefers staring at my PC which he detests and complains about saying… like Napoleon staring at the PC…now whats the connection i dont get it but then … i never get such people) said “oh leave it…we also hear what you keep scolding your wife every day”. 

He explained himself so beautifully absolutely unfazed 

” you see its not like that….i want her to change for good…so i scold…she does not know anything…but eat cook …go to her stupid telephone operator job and be back…i tell her i have friends who can help you for free…learn english…learn computers…i encourage her…but all she likes is living it simply…i give her so much freedom….go to your moms place meet her stay with her for a few days”  

Forcing her to learn english is his passion…..while he keeps on calling her choicest names in native tongue.That the lady is absolutely not bothered and is a case unto herself —— shows why they call some people ram banayi jodi.  

Add to this stupid conversation my sisters cruel fun liners she adds ” why dont you take her to a psychiatrist “….and then remarks later to me….once both of em go to that psychiatrist he will become a psycho wondering who’s the patient among the two. 

This wonderful chap lives in the house that is owned by his brother …God knows what broker jobs he does…never seen him do anything except crib and cry about his being sick due to diabetes and shrieking on phone. and keeps talking all these days i earned goodwill and now i will earn money using it. …

and honestly you see him outside his doorstep he’s ever smiling …what a wonderful sunny positive person…hmmmm.

 Only people being tortured here is us….for me its this amazing attitude of thinking how perfect he is…yeah such is positivity…and its amazing quality of being blinded to faults of self… 

And yet when i am chillingly curt to such people my mom thinks i am not behaving proper……but then this is just an example the quantity of such contradicting bundles is not scarce at all…only the degree varies.   

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Sometimes its a exhilarating feeling when someone puts so beautifully and to the point what you so much feel about.

Whenever i find anyone who reads books we do end up talking about Ayn Rand… i guess a lot of them have read AYn Rand and like most people are influenced by her.
But most people in this world are found of ‘Fountainhead ‘.Its listed by celebrities as such a strong book and what not but for me its hogwash compared to other books by her.

If “Atlas shrugged” has one of the most powerful heroines anywhere in modern Fiction except of course my fav “Scarlett O Hara”…Fountain head has a wimp a hopeless heroine ever.

The other book people like is Atlas Shrugged and yeah i agree its a good book….but for me my favorite book was and is ‘ We the Living ‘. For me its realistic in the sense that unlike other books it simply is not an ideal…as if the whole world does not exist…its about individuality despite the world….and i love the book among all her book. I could never really explain to people why i liked that book over the other famous two.I and a friend of mine who is another of those hard core Fountain head fans had arguments on it and my views were so exact to the ARTICLE i came across .
It was as if some one wrote about our discussions and my opinions as it is.Its such a coincidence and its a feeling like well….exactly see thats what i feel.

“True. But for me there’s something even more powerful about We the Living — it’s as if the novel was written in blood. The fact that Rand lived through the same kinds of things that Kira lived through gives it an almost primal quality. It’s a cry from the heart. I think perhaps that’s what turns off Objectivists about it — it’s too emotional in a way, not serenely rational like her later novels.”

“I think a simpler explanation is that Objectivists don’t like the fact that it has a tragic ending.”

“I’m sure that doesn’t help either. But despite the ending, I think We the Living is more alive than her other novels. It’s about these characters fighting to live their lives. They’re not fighting for ideas, but for the simple right to live their lives and pursue their values.
I always felt exactly the above….

Its a tragedy alright…to me when i first read it it was more tragic than any i had read….i remember i had shut the book almost 3 times at those last pages where Kira asks Leo just one question…”If i tell you something that will hold you back would you still some day go ” and Leo answers ” Yes…but what is there to hold me back” and she replies…Nothing…” …….very few books can hold me like that.

It is also the reason why dont like reading pure philosophical discourses and hate and despise Self help…why i prefer fiction with philosophical touches better.

Its her most not so famous book and yet to me thats her true book over all the others wher its all theories galore….

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I am almost hopelessly completely depressed now i guess….

Its like something you tell yourself you beleive in and then it crashes down ….or may be its not even like that….It may be something you know will crash and break and yet after knowing it all you dont like to beleive it….you wish all kind of stupidities.

 Yesterday went through like a breeze but when i settled down at at the end of the day it was like a tiring heartbreak…….

Two people with whom i probably spent the best part of last year left office and i could not even see them off…all the while all those new joinees were like one doubt come here…come here….wanted to like tell all of em to got  hell….but well…..thats how things are…its no ones fault and yet…its strangely upsetting.

Probably thats what friendship is in a way.

They arent the kind of people i’d relate to much ….very childish girls very lively…very brilliant.I am not the kind of person they normally would relate to(books poetry…philosophy…no way) and if as real person knew me would cater to much but yet we somehow became friends brought together by fate and we went on ignoring in each other or even worse simply refusing to see anything beyond what we liked.

I never really understand  people i have as friends except may be a few (with whom i dont have the good times these days but share the worse times by cribbing to them)….what they see in me or what i see in them sometimes….except for the fact that we have a good time together.

Probably thats the problem with judging people in entirety……you risk your own opinions…your own judgements.

Then theres this other thing… you so wish to meet what you left by…of memories which you simply go an sweeting more than they ever were and then one day if you ever face then again you realise the illusion was so much better .But i guess in my case i wanted to get rid of all illusions in life and whats happening is all for the best.

Yes i very much wished this somewhere in life so that i can move on….if theres nothing better left then so be it …at least i stop beleiving that the past will come back.There is always this wish i guess in people who leave the place they grow up in childhood to have that world back…beleving it lasts.But the world moves by…even if the place lasts the people do not remain the same  but then do we ourselves remain the same…..People dont change ….not at the core i always tell myself…..but do they or rather is it like that people stop being themselves and take on a new persona…they dont change ….may be they just die….not physically but sort of killed of by the world…some become cynical like me..some become hopeless..some become wastrels…some become very successful….but what years ago made then so very special is lost.

and you dont really know them.It is then that you may wish that it stop…….this whole deconstruction of the past…..by the present.When the past comes to present and  cannot live upto you the illusion, then one starts hoping it stops ruining the delicate beauty of the past.

I think this is the greatest risk of meeting old friends and acquaintances…….and yet we seek them out everywhere we can on cycberspace ….. in real world.And yet when we do sometimes it ruins al those memories…those beleifs that carried you through this turbulent present.

You look back at people from days gone by and wish that comes back but in the end when they do you realise what has gone back will never come back.This week probably drove that into me more firmly than anything.But it dissapoints

such shining hopes
such sudden twists from
bright to dark……
…..
with the faintest sleight of hand
the alteration of all of life’s schemes
and all its scope..
all with one tiny turn
of life’s KALEIDOSCOPE.
Why do some of the best people lose to life…to this world…but they do and while it kind of

breaks your heart to see it…somewhere it tells you again that past is no promise of a future….what is there is all the present.

When i look back at my past i realise there is only one lesson ive learnt in my life….i’ve questioned and fought against most other wisdoms propagated.

What is there is Today…..What will be there is yesterday….What one better not bother with is Tommorow…and yet its hard when you are surrounded by people who talk abou planning…projects…..decisions…..life .

I keep repeating to myself…..
“Smile coz it happened
Dont cry that it ended”………….
But then i my usual way i cant help it…i smiled when it happened…i cry when it ended.

I’ll get used to it…..i have a habit of getting used to anything as much as i hate it.

Both of them were going on with such bright hopes to a new place and it hurts sometimes when you know that just as others failed in what you hoped for them…..you you too fail others in their visons.

V and P were like looking at me and R…saying you stupid two ….We four joined together …if you two too had gotten another job…we’d have all left together…. what a classic statement it would have been.

The only positive part in this………..i’ll be drinking less caffeine …as no one is gonna drag me away to heated sh…sh….coffee room discussions.

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Some lines just kind of float in ur mind for long…..
Very few lines i mange to remember….

My memory is like what they say RAM in IT.I simply forget as much as i love what i read….just a lingering essence of it stays in mind.The words are forgotten faster than what i read.Then there are some words somelines you cant forget some words that you hear just once seem so very simple but they just refuse to budge from the mind.These are a few of those lines i read somewhere

Ek tuti hui zanjeer ki fariyaad hai humaur duniya ye samajti hai ki azaad hai hum
Not sure why i started this post ….but will continue it sometime
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I left it at that on 25th July and then realised today it was a part post….but whats there to complete….anyway a few more lines on the same thoughts

You have fascinating books and some not so fascinating…but people who love books would any day tell you that there is something…some lines..irrrelevant mostly that remains from some books…sometimes that something may be a very vague feeling .

I am not speaking about the brilliant quotable quotes of a book …but some very simple thing that randomly just sticks on in mind. I have my own special lines from books.

I will start with a book that i disliked.there was a book by I Allan Sealy called Everest Hotel.I simply did not like it somehow may be the subject was too uninteresting for me.The author though describes beautifully…….I hardly remember anything much of the book and story except my dislike of the book and this line

“faye made a nunnery out of her garden and you’ve made a garden out of your nunnery.”
Probably it sort of reminds me in the end you can make anything out of anything..welll what is this thing i,m writing hmmm……………….
I ve never realised why i simply remember those lines they just sort of stuck in the mind.where i struggle to memorize anything these days …u just dont forget some lines.

Then there’s that excellent book by Vikram Seth ” A Suitable boy”. agree with whoever said that many people who talk about it would not have read it….its real time bulky.Well i read it over a month of my visits to the library on the weekend …
and ther’s a lovely soap opera kinda story in it and all that..what i can never forget is a set of lines whose meaning condensed to something like below…..

The heroine says to Kabir a guy she’s leaving to marry another…….”remember you got five runs that day in a ball.its like that …life….but…you cannot score five runs everyday can you…same in life”……..it was a strange analogy but it stuck.

I guess i will add to this post……. some more lines which i cant recall…….my mind is kinda blocked…..now……..too much work and depressive atmosphere is building up at office.

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