Archive for December, 2005

Time the moments that fly by..
Time the ultimate thief…what it steals it is powerless to give back.
Time none ever mastered it.
Time that brings in happiness beyond expectations.
Time that brings in grief unparalleledTime which flew by before we could live it all.
Time which came by with wonderous gifts just when you though all was lost.
Time which leaves cherished reflectionsTime which scars the best of people in some way.
Time the ocean whose waves brought inthis special treasured gem of friendship into the shores of life.
Here ‘s hoping it’ll stand the test of Time.
Cheers always
P.S:The most difficult if not impossible thing for time to steal are memories.Say what:)
I know he does not check out this blog though he ‘s the only soul who knows about it(not that i mind …most of what i write here i anyway talk or bore him with it all the time).
Wrote these lines for him with his gift .Just thought of keeping a copy of it on my blog.Hope you are always happy dear wherever you travel with time.No gift i could find can express my happpiness at having a friend like you.
This week i literally lived that quote”Parents give you life, but friends walk you through it”.
They sure do .


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I love quite many things in life but most of them i cannot cater to as much as i want.Books are the only passion i indulge in .It is kind of my habit to relate to books.Sometimes i read even with my eyes not up to it after the terrible kind of work i haveof staring at the computer screen for hours with lenses.But they are my only escape from this world where i somehow find myself a misfit.I am not brilliant ….but the problem is i am not a fool either.Its hard being neither here nor there.
The past week has been like a harrowing time.Now that you are acheiving senoirity at job by being nearly a year old you are dumped with hopeless useless responsibilities of historical data collection.Then there huge work assigned involving staring for hours at excel data comparisons …i’m in a mess of a job and have no way out damn it.Ive seen others do it so i feel almost as though im no good but somehow i see no sense in slogging it that way.I appreciate them but man i’m just not upto it.So i feel like some hopeless fool at times in front of people who spend so much time and effort into becoming those brilliants..spending late nights and weekends at office and working out that stuff.
My amanger simply has one line you cant say i dont have time you have to make time.helllll i’m no good i dont want to.I always remember telling my sister long back if school and all was not so targeted at jobs and so id have loved to just study literature.
I wish i was a fool a real one life would have been easier ….why did i have to be above average but not brilliant.My eyes these days feel so tired .yet on a weekend i go ahead and read a book and finish it in one shot.Why simple i just want to take my mind off this depressing place ive got into and hard to get out.I and my friend recently were deleting our IM archives and could only laugh.everyday two times at least we message each other on resigning asap.This place is so depressing …you just have no one you feel like looking at…looking forward to(i cant beleive people call up on leave days looking forward to client responses….god thats what im such a failure.I just cant get enthusisatic when someone feeds you that line ……. its our company.its our project and so so.I see through this crap too much for my own good).They say its like a family in our company.yeah thats why its so damn boring.

Anyway met a dear friend and borrowed ‘Five point someone’ and finished it.Good read.All i could think of is how much i hated my Engineering college as much.It was not great like IIT but neverthless it is quite something but i did not like it.We did not see through stuff then and exams semesters assignments and travel to the end of town and all took away the best years of life and gave back nothing.

On the contrary i remember my previous bpo job with a top org with so much affection.yeah it was not a great job…..(my manager was no manager forget being a bad manager ) some even sneer at such jobs but the time i had there, the friends i made there were the best times after school which was of course the best.
Some friends make up for so much of the deficiencies of this world really.
A hopeless winter with no flowers with memories of last years loveliest garden ,spare time and now all these deadlines schedules…workplace politics..assesing oneself its not some great time im having.
Books change my mood like nothing else and so i read them with fluttering eyes sometimes.As if all this is not crazy enough i message my friend the book has been read at night 1 am and post all this on my blog.I just might get a week off year end and thats the silver lining of this year end.

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In a self analysis mood

I behave sometimes so stupidly that i realise again and again that the core person never changes.
I always was a person who had a temper but people in general never attributed it to me since childhood as i had excellent control over it.But as i grew up controlling myself pretty well by the time i really needed it in this world i have used it all up.My previous job in the service sector took such a toll on my patience .
One year of a service sector job trying to be nice to some hopeless people and i lost it completely.I could be more irate than any irate customer.The good thing was it was always the work side never with my friends or such.
Later i shifted to a normal engineering job and again i am a rather calm pleasant person unless someone really gets to me.but i really have lost it how to control . there are rare moments and days i really cant put it right …its like if i feel helpless i express it out clearly and only on the person who caused it.

I dont mind if i lose or win …a good nights sleep cures me of so much but anything or anyone that makes me feel helpless something like which i really cannot do much about i get so worked up and react.
I hate the feeling of helplessness.Some therapies do work.Once when mom was not at home and getting up at 6 and other disturbances made me feel just like that i threw a nice coffee mug straight intothe sink and as it broke into pieces i guess it made me feel calm if not better.I could sulk a lil bit about the mug and forget it but i hate feeling helpless….id rather be sad i realised.

There was a meeting and someone had a doubt on something assigned to me to handle for the whole team.Now immediately my manager points a hand to me ask her?
I was simply told i would be handling this activity for the team…but no one clarifies the standards for it or whats right or wrong as they themselves are clueless.whatever is assumed is trashed in the next meeting.i really reacted this day finally like this—-
“look here if i am not told what is correct do not expect me to tell someone else to do it this way.a week later you will change the rules.you do not expect me to explain the opposite again to the team.first i want to get myclarifications only then i will clarify anyone’s issues.”

This seems quite a reasonable explanation but the over emotional and ‘ im fed up kind of way’ i said it in the team meeting i really wondered if i can handle myself really as n If i move up in the corporate world.my team mates were like cool it cool it…..and i took so much time to calm down the way id become emotionally so charged up about me being made a scapegoat in this useless business.
The funny part is i used to think i was could so well control my emotions.Till end of my college days people refused to beleive i could shout….(the aunty in my hostel said if you wanna hear her real voice come along when sachin’s hitting those 4’s and 6’s.)………..well i was such a soft spoken person….now people really have to quiten me in this sh–sh–hush offices of these days .
I certainly am in no mood for a corporate weekend party…
i just want to get a 12 hour sleep but my little angelic teammates used their emotional blackmail well on me “next year tum kahan …hum kahan” and
im like ok ok ok.
So goodbye to my sunday sleep.they find it so bad that my excuse is sleep.Sleep is so underrated….i feel bad….more on that some other time.

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