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Ok after a long time one of those pure rant posts. I had lots of nonsensical reading I was hoping to post about all that
but you see nothing inspires you out of laziness than such as below

Had one of those world is unfair moments – I mean you know thats how things are in the world but still when it stares at your face you have those moments when only may be Calvin saves you

worldisunfair

world_IS_unfair

Accessed someone’s resume when was left accessible.

Of course one expects resumes are pumped up and overblown version of work,but what I saw blew me away
This person happens to be the lowest contributor of our very small team of five which was well overblown to 9
but well designation is module lead, but thats acceptable in these cases

The contribution section was filled with past 3 years of my job description – tools on which she never worked or knows a line of
– added with the sheer confidence of a person who knows the opposite person also wont know that tool since its rare enough ,so one can always talk
– and of course extra fluff called motivating team members and what not

Yeah in a true blue interview not much of all this stands but it does two things
1. It spoils resume of people who truly worked on that stuff in general I feel – stupid may be but I feel it at times
2. how many true blue interviews happen really – esp if the lady’s a smashing bong with a seniormost executive hubby
– how she got in here itself is sheer fate – my stupid lead engg at that time said ” its ok we are not getting that skillset, we can always teach them” – thats a different matter he regretted it deeply withing few months – but well so what that chaps gone , but here she is .
Yeah guts to fake it – is also guts – and well appreciate it

She’s a pretty fine person , with a very cute child and great circle of friends and well that simply adds to that thing nah
world is unfair – I know – I know so what – I can still rant – say its unfair

It takes time though to sink in – accepting the unfairness of it all and my stupidity in various other things.
I need to get some serious sleep to get over all such thoughts.
But essentially thats what I am doing since last 1 week after taking literally over a fortnight off
– a house arrested vacation.
Now that sure will make some one say
– hey its unfair – yeah it is – it surely is ūüôā

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After a very long boring year or so I finally took a quick long weekend break.
I am not too social as it is and my current job – where we dont have much of a team really being scattered as it is –
so no outings, lunches etc – the usual corporate hoopla and thus for a very long time my only outing was to the shopping mall.

So this was was a very very unplanned trip. Some girls at my office had a planned outing with some other of their friends and a common friend suggested to join them.So I and my sister were virtual outsiders in that group and then other girls too joined and it was one tortourously packed cab we were in .

So prior to my usual rant – few lines about this quick trip to Coorg – it had its moments.

That moment atop Talacauvery temple and at Raja’s seat at Madikeri to get a view of the mountains with fog and clouds.
Then the walk to the Abbey falls in rain – it was a beautiful waterfall – but for me the euphoric thing was unlike quite a few girls I did
not get any leeches onto me. Seriously since the time I heard of Coorg – I who have a perenial scare of all crawling stuff was quite
worried.

Finally we hurried off most places to get to Nagarhole – but it was one big dissapointment. When the safari van chap
does not close the doors you know nothing wild’s around in the forest.
Nothing really – just deer deer and more deer and as they say so many deer means no tigers.
Not sure if we were unlucky not to spot any or its a nice coverup as many Indian things are.
But what I remember of that ride in nagarhole was the fresh and fragrant smell of forest . It was very very nice.
When you came out you could tell the difference.

In fact with the group of excited young women that I was with paddy fields on the way seemed to be
most entertaining with everyone posing their photographs.

All in all it was a welcome break for me – It was a experience though despite the travel discomfort of being packed up in a cab.
But I needed it to tear myself away from my laptop. It just isnt work – I sort of seem to be stuck with it – to avoid thinking .

So firstly the whole group was the very young brigade – hyper excited , jovial – the just out of girls college syndrome.
I was quite apprehensive on this count .
Also I sometimes I feel its better for me to maintain some personal distance with people at office.
The below incident explains why

Vibrant vivacious and very sweet this girl who sits two cubicles from me and I are in same room with my sister.
It starts such
You got the hike ? How less they give ūüė¶ but at least you got. You must be a rich girl.
Me: Try to play along – Yeah Yeah you are as rich as you feel
She: OOOO and my sis tooo joins in with ooooooooo
What I wanted to say: kiddo when i was your age I did not have a penny in hand – money is bloody important –
but what for the money is also as important – as is being peaceful at least ,if not happy with your surroundings.

She: How much experience you have XXX – Oh really I did not know that.
Then why are you here – you should jump and get such a good hike

Me: But well I am used to the good life here and work too is not bad and I have my perks of not being answerable theoretically half the time to anyone really – I have my issues but where are there no issues.
See in other jobs I’d never have been able to take this holiday as easily – though Id been abale to afford a expensive one
– so for me things balance out
She: But see this is the age to work work and earn. later we cant esp after marriage etc etc.
I cant afford anything with what they pay – have to buy a car.

What I wanted to say: My dear I am already at a age where I am tired – (then I would have rethought – really –
at what age did you not have the inertia disease.)
Seriously when such sweet young people offer advice so overwhelmingly confidently I can only remember one quote –
esp as since a decade -I think of myself as old

” I am not young enough to know everything”

She: This place has so much politics, this that and about her manager , other managers
Me: Have you worked anywhere else prior to here
I finally say what I wanted to say – I have worked a a few more places so let me tell you ,
while all you say may be true – wherever you go dont expect any different – just that they will pay you more which is good surely.

Its always been nice to work with young people their enthusiasm and all , but somehow there is a sense of discomfort.
Because they haven’t seen the other part of life. for e.g these I wish they would have a look at their juniors from 2009 who had seen their dreams crashing. What you get easy – one never values is what Ive seen and learnt from them.

As I said its the exuberance of youth – and as much as I like to watch it from a distance – getting cozy with them
raises such uncomfortable situations to which I have the answers but not the heart to slam it onto their faces.

P.S: Seriously I have my extravagant tastes – books for one or lil diamonds for another – , but why do people including my sister have a problem if that isnt buying a car or splurging on restaurants and dresses at sales of their choice.
I dont condemn their tastes – but whenever I end up in company of such people they have this way of making me feel like I am a miser.
I am surely compared to them – but thats how I am and have no qualms about it.

My sisters an expert at these esp with her interpretation of “The Ant and the Grasshopper” Aesop fable.
Most version I checked on google – specify that ants turn their backs on the grasshopper – and then the moral of the story is displayed about ” there is a time for work and time for play”
Buy my dear sister and me in our childhood must have read a kinder version wherein the ants after giving a long moral of the story
ask the grasshopper to join in – in return for singing for them.
So here’s the moral of the story she picks up –
After all the grashopper said sorry and it was just a short repreive and all Grasshopper does is sing along
doing what it loves and lives happily.

In a way she’s damned right and probably the world is skewed that way.
Grasshoppers always find ants who sustain them.

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This should actually be a seperate post. RGV deserves that but I am too lost in my worries (I add my saga to the end),and he put across a opinion which sort of merged into my thoughts I mix it up here.
Ram Gopal varma – have known quite a few fanatics of his. Have seen some of his movies which are too good and some too hilarious.
Seriously Thank god I watched Daud in TV. In theater I dont know how I could have managed.
The music of Dauuuuud… itself felt so hilarious.
But this isnt about his movies really. I did not like him much as a person as his visions seem like he’s still stuck in some crazy
curiosity associated with teenage boys – his potrayal of his leading ladies/his horror fixation.

But I dont know waiting at which place I flipped through which magazine/news wherein I read a interview of his where he said something like this
If I need to think why would I go to a woman. I would open a book
Now its not a comment that makes any woman happy , but the guy I thought was being quite honest and I admired that then and that thought stayed with me . Till I saw this tweet by him and again thought.
Well all said and done he just put honestly a very uncomfortable truth.
“The biggest lie is that hard work pays nd ths is mainly propogated by smart non workers who live off the stupid hard workers”

The thought and some other stuff and my life’s bad twists got me started off on reading “fooled by randomness”.
The goings slow but will post on that later.
So well its been terrible time .Its like something which was nothing has snowballed into horrid stuff.

Its actually not as horrible if only , if only I could develop that Take It easy policy.Its a hard hard bargain.Easy to say but tough to live upto .But some of the most idiotic people have that attitude and thats what carries them through.
Actually all managers Ive seen who really want to see you move up gave one simple advice – dont worry about people’s grumbles and mumbles .
I find it unlike others easier to implement it in life – but hard when it relates to work.

I once had a flare up with a team member regarding some work assigned and he mumbled something I got into the – lets clear this up mode and my manager calls me up and explains – come on its ok just ignore.

Similarly a friend who was sort of upset about being labelled too aggressive by a set of people who did not like being questioned
about timelines (esp by a lady)spoke to her senior manager who just smiled and re-iterated the same advice.
Ignore it – its part of the job.
(Heard of someone who happen to know by grapevine as a very bindaas – “I wont work” kind of cool person and
he got into IT’s most hallowed places.You could see the pain it causes to the people
who really passionately go about work. But well as they say high up there what you need is a bindaas take it easy person.
You cant go crazy everytime something crashes. But yeah that news sort of made me feel think a trifle
less of the only company I ever admired(I am not a great fan of big organizations , though been with few and still am).
I always thought – oh what could I do there – (its for the hot shot developers and ultra smart genius game changers and what not – but well times change or our perspectives change
)

Now this is all very nice if you have the support – but its a bit hard to take when you are on your own.

Added to that many women simply are worriers – I admit that and give up , we worry way too much.I know it yet its hard to change. Also you think you are cool and over most stuff by now and still at the crunch you just have that pent up emotion.

I have like a soap opera in my head running continuosly – if this is said , this is to be answered . If that then this and what not.
I am never a self help book person – I actually feel beyond help to speak the truth.
but one book I had once bookmarked to check someday was “Women Who Think Too Much: How to Break Free of Overthinking and Reclaim Your Life”

My greatest problem despite all the wonderful advice I have read and know is still the same.
You see a email, you are infuriated , reply reply now.

Forget fury – In any case I have a terrible habit with email – I need to reply and be done with them.
No other way I seem to be at peace.
A huge disadvantage well wishers have advised.
The best successful people are those who as the quote says.
“I love work. I can stare at it for hours”

So I spoiled a whole day in fury , being upset and what not and ringing up people up north and down south to
get a handle on my nerves and stop behaving like the idiot that I inherently seem to be.

I mean what are you supposed to answer when someone arrogantly (OK I exaggerate that chilling calm voice is what I take as arrogance)states as a benefit of working in this place for over 2 years
Where did you work previously (i.e its some small mid sized place)- here youve worked on blah blah – a big blah
And I react
Oh yeah So what ?? the next blah product you ask me to look at – well the manager there will also say
– I gave you the big chance on this blah , Did you ever work on this kind of blah”

I forgot – I forgot big time – that managers are also human beings
and human beings have egos
and a human being who happens to be a manager and Indian usually tends to have a big big ego.
Add to it the calm ones who are polished and nurse the hurts like a wound which does not augur well for little people like me.

And then just when I was trying to soothe myself from all the woes being visited upon me – I had a surprise situation.
A complete blackout. No power no transport and absolutely locked up for a day away from all this.

I thought I would gain some perspective , but I seem to have lost it, dont know why.
I actually have self diagnosed myself as having a problem of inertia.
When I work on onething I find it hard to leave it and do something else.Even if its not my job – even if its not worth from a payoff
perspective. If I find it good enough to get it started I kind of persist on it.
Similarly When I dont work and veer off to movies and books , work seems like a necessary evil and hard to get started on.
This extends to many other things which includes like not looking for a change.
But fortunately or unfortunately – strange circumstances happen – which finally get me moving every couple of the years.
Seems the next cycle has started.

Anyways its great to listen to stuff you pretty much know and actually might have said to them once from friends.
It reaffirms the whole thing again and makes us feel good.Same stuff we repeat to each other when times are bad , but it does help.
Like one freind told me a such stuff – to calm my mood – part of which I sort had once told her in different words though.Nothing new.
“See if I hire a servant from a village, and she looks after my in laws fine and is very helpful to guests but I dont seem to be
her priority I will still complain right. So it happens let it go.”
Then she added her hubby’s wise statements to it.(Ok I let it pass that he’s a manager)
See if your existing servant whom you started off asks for a 30% hike you scowl. She leaves – you hire a new one at 50%.
And those are the facts of the world we live in.”

Actually I previously had a co-worker who for all his faults had a great sense of humor.
He once remarked women are perfect for QA – they have inherent qualities for it.
i.e they find find faults with everything and anything – Nothing seems satisfying enough.

The verdict though has been clean and clear from pretty much my close friends I know.
You think way too much – what is there to think so much about trying for alternative job.
First try and then you can think – and dont over- react as if your job is in jeopardy (they know the whole issue is simply which
manager gets to suffer me now that I am angry)
You are one hell of a coward deep inside when it comes to yourself – in initiating the change”

Yeah I find it hard to disagree, – but I have my reasons
and at this point they say thats the hard part
your reasoning is totally flawed but hard to argue with you” –
So I start being a little courageous for myself. After all

“Courage is the fear of being thought a coward. ~Horace Smith”

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I had been on this thought since the last fortnight or so but finally in this rainy sleepless night have managed to key it in.
“Feeling appreciated is one of the most important needs that people have.
When you share with someone your appreciation and gratitude, they will not forget you. Appreciation will return to you many times.”
Steve Brunkhorst

Beautiful and True – If only it wasn’t developed into a fake art.

Appreciations or rather appreciation mails form one of the most important part and parcel of what we call our corporate jobs.
Oh well even government jobs have some appreciation I learnt, when I saw my father display some of his stuff.

Its the perfect alternative cited by the hallowed managers as what one must go after instead of materialistic compensation.
Even if for a moment you believe them you will only end up in disappointment with how much of all this is fake.
All I want to know is – if I have some one honest enough to let me in on the secret do they believe it themselves
and most importantly do they think that all their reportees are such blind fools not to see it through.

I guess at the core there are two kinds of appreciation mails – the original and the fake

The genuine and really heartfelt ones – rare from our managers in India, relatively easier to get from overseas customers/managers
Here while some are real nice and make you feel really appreciated ,some are a tad too
profuse and dramatic to the point of being embarassing at times.

Fakes as always have more variety unlike originals – so three very basic varieties

First are the obligatory ones sent – usually in response to one appreciation – its kind of like retweet on twitter

Someone from the top appreciates someone – and so they feel obligated to appreciate to appease the original top honcho
– Good job / Great job blah blah.
And they want us to believe they appreciate. Hell !!

Second are the compulsive appreciators. The ones who appreciate as a mean to appease themselves – something like
“I am on top I have the power to appreciate.”
So they send a good job – Wonderful and such one liners for every task by email

Last comes the calculated appreciations a hybrid of the above two
The ones with the right cc , with the right cut copy and paste .The ones which dont just feel fake, but in someway seem to
want to ensure its obvious the are fake – the mean art of appreciation.

Thought about it when we received a appreciation mail for some work from a Sr manager abroad in very simple
genuine almost handwritten letter kind of words.
Felt nice though,No big deal we felt ,apart from the fact that we had to do a
rarity in our project – work late till midnight for just a day.
The cc list was a bit too high up , I almost felt – why the heck.
And then a follow up mail a week later to it saying the customer too was very happy and we were like – uff let it be please.
Glad to hear and love that you appreciate.

And here it wouldve ended but for the fake drama that ensued.
First the clueless immediate manager wants to know – umm what was that for.

I reply back – I did blah blah …
A did mwha mwha ….

And then in half an hour it gets retweeted to another cc list as I said

Good job B for doing blah blah
Good Job A for mwha mwha . keep it up

Some say this is needed to spread the word. May be it is – So a Good Job with the Fwd will suffice ,
but when you start doing cut copy paste in such manner of my own words – back to me its a fake and makes me despise you for the fakeness.
This is why its probably better to go after materialistic compensation. At least the fakes there have some use till discovered as fakes.
And so it goes…

Its been a messy career move for me, the last one I did I guess. Quite unhappy here in every aspect.
Why do you need to ask for what you deserve??
I refuse to – not a great career plan , but what the heck !!
Its time for them to get what they deserve.
Ive got to move out of this comfort zone Ive gotten myself into. More on that later.

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OK Fate has conspired to ensure that I finally write a post after what seems ages since I last did.
Happenings are perfect –
A mid year\review discussion at office – the kind that makes me desperate to vent out.
And I forgot my laptop charger at the office so no busy busy work .
Its a forced break from work this weekend and Im detemined to make most of it.

As a first proof of my maturity or mellowing down with age I will not unlike my previous posts ham and ham about horrible management.

Lets start it with some unsaid thoughts. I had thought and thought in in myriad hues – about saying this and that months ago but then this got planned suddenly this month and I was not really up with my exact punchlines . Sad hmm.

Life is cruel , My manager received a terrible feedback himself from his team (I was cruelly neutral as has he been) as his scores were out just a week back and the fella while sportingly trying to recover from it goes in for another review and I say Im unhappy and so on….

I have no scope here…this that ….
I am told about how scope in product companies are different (slow moving wonderful elephants).
Then I am asked what have you done for your product and you talk of scope and so on and forth about the innovation and differentiation.

Anyways Ive lost the plot honestly these days.There is lot of back flashes to all this wherein
I am the angry frustrated person among the oh so cool acting people lecturing like “Baba Whatsoever” saying
Take it easy , Calm Calm Cool it while muttering and simmering inside and being sarcastic whenever opportunity arises.

Neverthless when I complain about no feedback – I am told I’ve been told earlier too to schedule a meeting to discuss such important issues.
But I finally get one, I think you should be quite successful but you see you seem to come across as a very harsh person ,whom people are not keen on approaching but people like we who work with you
find you quite fine. So you should be some one people should ant to work for.
Now I quite sportingly said “I take that”
What I left unsaid is You are not the first person and you wont be the LAST to say this.

Faking it is the greatest corporate mantra (or may be the way life is supposed to be).Show a little emotion and you are frustrated. WoW
Serves me right for ignoring all my assumptions about the big MNC’s. But the thing is I’m quite tired in Life and et I have to look forward and plan a move to get any raise.
Half Glass Empty Thinking – First Time in my career – Over 18 months – and no raise and no diamonds
Half Glass Full Thinking – First Recession seen in life (ok lets not think the IT crash of 2000)

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I’ve been like at my most work alcoholic phase of my life.Its not because I have more work, well its because I am taking it up.
Its not cause I hope for a hike or a promotion (cause recession / or at least the hype about it has ensured that there’s not a remote chance of it) but just because I feel better doing it.
There’s hardly anyone questioning me out here, I pretty much have my way, the team
work is relatively reduced by my own way and Im happy doing individually whatever nuisance I seem to be in.

Things are not very good all around in every sphere of life – so I seem to have taken a kind of solace in being lost in getting the stuff up and running at work.
The work is nothing very innovative(my self reflection tells me I just ain’t into innovation though every company seems to have innovation as its buzzword these days – I like success in implementation i.e seeing things work.) .So this work is more of getting things to work and well seems to give me some peace as I work all day long late at home while no one @ office bothers what I am working on.But then thats the best part of this place – flexibility.

Anyways I kept thinking so much of reading something, watching movies,and writing a post but somehow, felt better to just get lost in work.

It took some troublesome scenarios at home all over again to make me feel like writing again.
But in the end it was because I simply forced myself away from the work and tried to accept the fact that in here – in this life ,I will never have my way without hurting myself and everyone.

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”
‚ÄĒ Mitch Albom (The Five People You Meet in Heaven)

You fight your way in the world , hope wish and finally get a small room to yourself and now people wish to move back to a little cozy all in one happy togetherness of sharing and adjustment as this causes trouble and finally something for them to worry about .
Logic has nothing to do with this its just a whim to be taken care of – save pennies spend pounds is what works in my home.You can go on non co-operation movement but then thats the whole point. You hurt yourself as much by hurting some.I’ve tried to break off in my own way as I do not fit in but fate’s never let me.
I do wish to act highbrow and say I do not believe in destiny but I can’t.
But yes all my life I’ve done one thing as is said
“I believe in destiny
I also believe that I have the right to restrict its options” – Ive surely exercised that right – at what price is debatable.

Looked simply its nothing, its just that some people like me were just wired hyper – sensitively in a very wrong manner . To handle this requires immense insensitive behavior and doing that makes you feel bad in general and so you end up being unhappy anyways.(On second thoughts there seem to enough people around me who think I look way too happy despite too many not so good things.)

At work I’ve just one teammate and as much as I am annoyed by the fake niceties of this chap I’ve tolerated him cause its WORK and because unfortunately we are in the same team and started off having lunch together with another chap and my manager since we all joined and now not want to act childish and make unnecessary enemies for no good reason.
But one fine day I just snapped back at a joke made when I was seriously checking some financial stuff and since then the chap’s started being deliberately uncommunicative .
While this would be a reason to celebrate in all normal circumstances it ends up causing immense communication issues during work, so I did what I never do, i.e keep talking as if all was just fine , as if I never noticed that you were being uncooperative.
That I need to be like this causes immense strain to me.
Then there’s my manager – poor chap acts very decent but has indirectly implied that he’s had to suffer in many quarters because he had to go and ask for clarity in work and this he did – because I really made huge noises about it.
I do feel bad about some stuff which has happened but then I believe that was due to wrong handling, but then that’s the problem with quiet people. Its tough to guess whats going on in their head.

Nevertheless I was really stuck up and all, tried reading a book and unfortunately I was a with a book which though different and good was not quite the right one for my mood – “The Autobiography of an Unknown Indian” By Nirad C Chaudhari.

So today I just re-read the speech by Steve Jobs which is something I really love apart from the Orhan Pamuk stuff I keep loving and writing about , then read some blogs and I really feel so better and I finally wrote some nonsense in here.

I will write something better may be tomorrow itself.

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This has been one hell of a stupid kind of fortnight since the new year. As ever  appraisal time are as evidenced on my blog are usually very drama oriented.
This year at this new place I am may be doing a complete U turn and writing a defence for the other side. But what is bloody uncomfortable is I am a fringe player in this drama and yet it has affected my mood worse than when I was at the center.

When I was at the center it was a one or two day thing of fretting and fuming and a post or two here – thats it – then get on with it – the work the life. Now its like there’s filth all around and every other day something sticks on as you stand at the fringes thats the feeling.

This is going to be  another of those boring long post to  shake off some of that feeling .

Joining a new project /organization especially one where most people have stuck on within themselves¬† together hating it –¬† too much with the mood similar to the “better or worse” norm – for a minimum of three years – (I dont know the maximum )¬† it is tough enough for someone who’s slightly socially challenged and has dripping sarcasm and being single open for speculation.

But what’s worse here is unlike most places where work somehow due to its sheer quantity and the competition took precedence and blunted the direct effect of such gossip and its different side effects. Here the frustrations and ill will is played out like an art – the sort it probably was done during the Cold War.

When I joined I was the first member of a new team in a set of very old teams working together to safeguard what they could retain by merging into a huge corporation.They like the brand name now but are not willing to give up their secrets or rather what they believe is the result of their hard word and experience to anyone new – their only source of security.

In a way I am fortunate I feel . It could have been worse but then if it were may be I’d have run off again .
I mean I was put in a brand new team – with brand new people and a manager who too belonged to the newer brand .So I kept myself relatively isolated but then our work inherently depends on the old guard. Why they hired us – under what great/ inner agendas this whole thing is going on is yet unclear. Suffice it to say that our team has a slightly differential status as its more specialized in a generic area and not deeply competent on a product only which most here are .
Thus as of now we have lesser work(Not that we mind it – but we were at times desperate to do something more).This sure hurts people who believe they are a slogging workhouse.But well thats ok, I’ll take it any day.

When I came in first the most problematic timing was the lunch. You never knew where to go. In fact I believe it mostly is in any new place and even in older places. One excellent piece on this scenario which is very close to my experience is described in an excellent manner at this blog.

Started out in the inhouse cafeteria room where women who get lunch boxes converge but as I heard the saas bahu sagas and people started getting too personal it made me flee. Luckily new team member A joined and our manager too joined them- being new in this location himself somehow to lunch with the team.He’s pretty easy going and casual and so we did not mind and hence 4 of us lunch together i.e 2 of whom report to him.Now I had very deliberately¬† avoided my managers at lunch(despite their nice efforts – i was quite abrupt) in my previous jobs. That I preferred the opposite scenario now is in itself is obvious of what I think of the rest of the crowd.This was setting myself up for some crap from mean people but I was prepared for this .

It is relieving to walk to a different building where the canteen is as unlike my previous  place where I was hardly at my desk I am glued to my desk here Рwork or no work.
It feels better to hear a bit of nonsense about politics cricket or some work related crap rather than being questioned about how your mom allows you this and my mother in law is against this or doesnt your sister get bored now that she has no job.The faked concerns just get to me .Dont know some are may be genuine but I neverthless dislike it.

I am a dull person usually so I surely feel fine when there are abit of effusive and talkative people around , and in such a new place there was this vibrant and fun girl R a northie slightly loud but easy to get along.
I was not down south at the age when people acquire tastes and feel I lack that understanding and appreciation for the South Indian movies and jokes which seem essential to a lot of conversation without getting into  personal matters of home caste and family.
The one thing about her was she spoke out which seemed better to me most of the others who spoke at the back.
R simply is very well known and chats non stop about her  family ,lovely daughter and has a tendency to get very concerned about personal life of others (something she denied vehemently and has now taken as a personal affront Рas her new manager now which happens to be my manager(Ah Irony) pointed out that she paid more attention to personal matters- now I pointed out that at least thats how she come across as Рeven though  she does work  very hard  ).I sure should have more sense to keep my mouth shut but I just tried being some good friend and tried to explain why she is perceived by the management and she should act slightly professional Рrather than just going on about my work is professional stuff. By my stupid advice I invited some more cold professional vibes.

I would have cared two hoots but for the fact that I have been assigned something like a consultant on a tool to her and thats being my nemesis.

Thing is for once I simply MISJUGED hugely the amount of trouble being friendly with her will cause.(this post must be a lesson learnt for me).
Not only that I spoke a bit more about others with her than I now feel I should have.
My manager said once you should drive R to finish this job soon now that you too are part of helping her – I felt very upset the way I was being used here by both people.
She walks up with errors and expects me to instantly answer them without any trial and error i.e if you try to compile and check Рoh I have done that Рnext what and next what and acts as though thats what a consultant is for.When you tell her that may be her OS is corrupted and not the tool  as ntdll is a windows file she gives a decent shrug Рoh thanks a lot dear .
If she was the same from the start I dont mind – this drama started since the day she talked about her management feedback discussion and I gave my stupid friendly advice.(Silence is golden I remind myself so much now again after

damage is done)

Update: Ok next day R came up and she said , don’t feel bad I was in a terribly bad mood and Never meant to hurt or ignore you in any way.Well at least that relaxed me a bit, howmuch ever she meant it.

She’s built a deep seated negativity about my manager due to one of her past friends who while quitting had enough fracas with this manager.She vents it out in ways our team is rather uncomfortable with and me and A both find it¬† unpalatable. He’s hardly a great manager – too indecisive ,too¬† much of a loyalist and has a too much of the traditionalist approach at times – and for me the worst part is sometimes he gives too much of a free hand at work¬† which people take liberty with – including me at times- but he’s as fair enough as they come I felt .

The Appraisal discussion week is the week of long faces all over.Whatever it is the repercussions were so bad that  finally the poor exhausted manager confessed to us- (that such a assumption would be made was news to him was new to me, I thought that its an expected scenario).
People here are so unprofessional that almost everyone here it seems expected that you two would be rated higher by me due to our being very friendly at lunch.But what to tell them that even you two are extremely displeased with my rating“.

This was because we both expressed serious concerns and had record of nearly 2 hrs each of furious discussion over it

with him .

Though on my part I simply used it to vent all my concerns over work and all and I dare say his experience in managerial diplomacy was appreciable.
For most of the part I really was fine with the rating simply because the work I did as per me just good and I do not consider it anyway excellent by my own standards.The tragedy is there’s no one in the project with better standards.
Our moot concern was if you dont give us work how do we display our competence and he countered it in standard managerial way.
Go beyond you duty – come and ask and take up tasks. I was blunt enough to answer he should know why I or rather many did not do that, I do not want to be saddled with what I dont like.
What upset me was simply that people who did below average to bad too get rated the same but then in those damn rating system you just have excellent / good / average and anyway in a year and and in a company where the difference in hikes as per ratings(if there are any this horrid year) is usually just 1 or 2 thousand why bother.

So honestly after that 2 hr argument I just was like chilled out and cool as I never was after a appraisal discussion as I never was in all these years. Then I slowly noticed the insecure talk all around and experienced the whole R drama and it simply leaves you with a disgusting feeling.

If nothing it vindicates my decision to avoid the management track at quite some cost to myself.
I just am not comfortable with such people games even if I can at times out of sheer necessity play them I am extremely uncomfortable in this arena and it takes a huge toll on me.

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