Another rant – unfair unfair and what not

Ok after a long time one of those pure rant posts. I had lots of nonsensical reading I was hoping to post about all that
but you see nothing inspires you out of laziness than such as below

Had one of those world is unfair moments – I mean you know thats how things are in the world but still when it stares at your face you have those moments when only may be Calvin saves you

world_IS_unfair

Accessed someone’s resume when was left accessible.

Of course one expects resumes are pumped up and overblown version of work,but what I saw blew me away
This person happens to be the lowest contributor of our very small team of five which was well overblown to 9
but well designation is module lead, but thats acceptable in these cases

The contribution section was filled with past 3 years of my job description – tools on which she never worked or knows a line of
– added with the sheer confidence of a person who knows the opposite person also wont know that tool since its rare enough ,so one can always talk
– and of course extra fluff called motivating team members and what not

Yeah in a true blue interview not much of all this stands but it does two things
1. It spoils resume of people who truly worked on that stuff in general I feel – stupid may be but I feel it at times
2. how many true blue interviews happen really – esp if the lady’s a smashing bong with a seniormost executive hubby
– how she got in here itself is sheer fate – my stupid lead engg at that time said ” its ok we are not getting that skillset, we can always teach them” – thats a different matter he regretted it deeply withing few months – but well so what that chaps gone , but here she is .
Yeah guts to fake it – is also guts – and well appreciate it

She’s a pretty fine person , with a very cute child and great circle of friends and well that simply adds to that thing nah
world is unfair – I know – I know so what – I can still rant – say its unfair

It takes time though to sink in – accepting the unfairness of it all and my stupidity in various other things.
I need to get some serious sleep to get over all such thoughts.
But essentially thats what I am doing since last 1 week after taking literally over a fortnight off
– a house arrested vacation.
Now that sure will make some one say
– hey its unfair – yeah it is – it surely is 🙂

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A Welcome break for thoughts

After a very long boring year or so I finally took a quick long weekend break.
I am not too social as it is and my current job – where we dont have much of a team really being scattered as it is –
so no outings, lunches etc – the usual corporate hoopla and thus for a very long time my only outing was to the shopping mall.

So this was was a very very unplanned trip. Some girls at my office had a planned outing with some other of their friends and a common friend suggested to join them.So I and my sister were virtual outsiders in that group and then other girls too joined and it was one tortourously packed cab we were in .

So prior to my usual rant – few lines about this quick trip to Coorg – it had its moments.

That moment atop Talacauvery temple and at Raja’s seat at Madikeri to get a view of the mountains with fog and clouds.
Then the walk to the Abbey falls in rain – it was a beautiful waterfall – but for me the euphoric thing was unlike quite a few girls I did
not get any leeches onto me. Seriously since the time I heard of Coorg – I who have a perenial scare of all crawling stuff was quite
worried.

Finally we hurried off most places to get to Nagarhole – but it was one big dissapointment. When the safari van chap
does not close the doors you know nothing wild’s around in the forest.
Nothing really – just deer deer and more deer and as they say so many deer means no tigers.
Not sure if we were unlucky not to spot any or its a nice coverup as many Indian things are.
But what I remember of that ride in nagarhole was the fresh and fragrant smell of forest . It was very very nice.
When you came out you could tell the difference.

In fact with the group of excited young women that I was with paddy fields on the way seemed to be
most entertaining with everyone posing their photographs.

All in all it was a welcome break for me – It was a experience though despite the travel discomfort of being packed up in a cab.
But I needed it to tear myself away from my laptop. It just isnt work – I sort of seem to be stuck with it – to avoid thinking .

So firstly the whole group was the very young brigade – hyper excited , jovial – the just out of girls college syndrome.
I was quite apprehensive on this count .
Also I sometimes I feel its better for me to maintain some personal distance with people at office.
The below incident explains why

Vibrant vivacious and very sweet this girl who sits two cubicles from me and I are in same room with my sister.
It starts such
You got the hike ? How less they give 😦 but at least you got. You must be a rich girl.
Me: Try to play along – Yeah Yeah you are as rich as you feel
She: OOOO and my sis tooo joins in with ooooooooo
What I wanted to say: kiddo when i was your age I did not have a penny in hand – money is bloody important –
but what for the money is also as important – as is being peaceful at least ,if not happy with your surroundings.

She: How much experience you have XXX – Oh really I did not know that.
Then why are you here – you should jump and get such a good hike

Me: But well I am used to the good life here and work too is not bad and I have my perks of not being answerable theoretically half the time to anyone really – I have my issues but where are there no issues.
See in other jobs I’d never have been able to take this holiday as easily – though Id been abale to afford a expensive one
– so for me things balance out
She: But see this is the age to work work and earn. later we cant esp after marriage etc etc.
I cant afford anything with what they pay – have to buy a car.

What I wanted to say: My dear I am already at a age where I am tired – (then I would have rethought – really –
at what age did you not have the inertia disease.)
Seriously when such sweet young people offer advice so overwhelmingly confidently I can only remember one quote –
esp as since a decade -I think of myself as old

” I am not young enough to know everything”

She: This place has so much politics, this that and about her manager , other managers
Me: Have you worked anywhere else prior to here
I finally say what I wanted to say – I have worked a a few more places so let me tell you ,
while all you say may be true – wherever you go dont expect any different – just that they will pay you more which is good surely.

Its always been nice to work with young people their enthusiasm and all , but somehow there is a sense of discomfort.
Because they haven’t seen the other part of life. for e.g these I wish they would have a look at their juniors from 2009 who had seen their dreams crashing. What you get easy – one never values is what Ive seen and learnt from them.

As I said its the exuberance of youth – and as much as I like to watch it from a distance – getting cozy with them
raises such uncomfortable situations to which I have the answers but not the heart to slam it onto their faces.

P.S: Seriously I have my extravagant tastes – books for one or lil diamonds for another – , but why do people including my sister have a problem if that isnt buying a car or splurging on restaurants and dresses at sales of their choice.
I dont condemn their tastes – but whenever I end up in company of such people they have this way of making me feel like I am a miser.
I am surely compared to them – but thats how I am and have no qualms about it.

My sisters an expert at these esp with her interpretation of “The Ant and the Grasshopper” Aesop fable.
Most version I checked on google – specify that ants turn their backs on the grasshopper – and then the moral of the story is displayed about ” there is a time for work and time for play”
Buy my dear sister and me in our childhood must have read a kinder version wherein the ants after giving a long moral of the story
ask the grasshopper to join in – in return for singing for them.
So here’s the moral of the story she picks up –
After all the grashopper said sorry and it was just a short repreive and all Grasshopper does is sing along
doing what it loves and lives happily.

In a way she’s damned right and probably the world is skewed that way.
Grasshoppers always find ants who sustain them.

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Random Rambles

This should actually be a seperate post. RGV deserves that but I am too lost in my worries (I add my saga to the end),and he put across a opinion which sort of merged into my thoughts I mix it up here.
Ram Gopal varma – have known quite a few fanatics of his. Have seen some of his movies which are too good and some too hilarious.
Seriously Thank god I watched Daud in TV. In theater I dont know how I could have managed.
The music of Dauuuuud… itself felt so hilarious.
But this isnt about his movies really. I did not like him much as a person as his visions seem like he’s still stuck in some crazy
curiosity associated with teenage boys – his potrayal of his leading ladies/his horror fixation.

But I dont know waiting at which place I flipped through which magazine/news wherein I read a interview of his where he said something like this
” If I need to think why would I go to a woman. I would open a book”
Now its not a comment that makes any woman happy , but the guy I thought was being quite honest and I admired that then and that thought stayed with me . Till I saw this tweet by him and again thought.
Well all said and done he just put honestly a very uncomfortable truth.
“The biggest lie is that hard work pays nd ths is mainly propogated by smart non workers who live off the stupid hard workers”

The thought and some other stuff and my life’s bad twists got me started off on reading “fooled by randomness”.
The goings slow but will post on that later.
So well its been terrible time .Its like something which was nothing has snowballed into horrid stuff.

Its actually not as horrible if only , if only I could develop that Take It easy policy.Its a hard hard bargain.Easy to say but tough to live upto .But some of the most idiotic people have that attitude and thats what carries them through.
Actually all managers Ive seen who really want to see you move up gave one simple advice – dont worry about people’s grumbles and mumbles .
I find it unlike others easier to implement it in life – but hard when it relates to work.

I once had a flare up with a team member regarding some work assigned and he mumbled something I got into the – lets clear this up mode and my manager calls me up and explains – come on its ok just ignore.

Similarly a friend who was sort of upset about being labelled too aggressive by a set of people who did not like being questioned
about timelines (esp by a lady)spoke to her senior manager who just smiled and re-iterated the same advice.
Ignore it – its part of the job.
(Heard of someone who happen to know by grapevine as a very bindaas – “I wont work” kind of cool person and
he got into IT’s most hallowed places.You could see the pain it causes to the people
who really passionately go about work. But well as they say high up there what you need is a bindaas take it easy person.
You cant go crazy everytime something crashes. But yeah that news sort of made me feel think a trifle
less of the only company I ever admired(I am not a great fan of big organizations , though been with few and still am).
I always thought – oh what could I do there – (its for the hot shot developers and ultra smart genius game changers and what not – but well times change or our perspectives change)

Now this is all very nice if you have the support – but its a bit hard to take when you are on your own.

Added to that many women simply are worriers – I admit that and give up , we worry way too much.I know it yet its hard to change. Also you think you are cool and over most stuff by now and still at the crunch you just have that pent up emotion.

I have like a soap opera in my head running continuosly – if this is said , this is to be answered . If that then this and what not.
I am never a self help book person – I actually feel beyond help to speak the truth.
but one book I had once bookmarked to check someday was “Women Who Think Too Much: How to Break Free of Overthinking and Reclaim Your Life”

My greatest problem despite all the wonderful advice I have read and know is still the same.
You see a email, you are infuriated , reply reply now.

Forget fury – In any case I have a terrible habit with email – I need to reply and be done with them.
No other way I seem to be at peace.
A huge disadvantage well wishers have advised.
The best successful people are those who as the quote says.
“I love work. I can stare at it for hours”

So I spoiled a whole day in fury , being upset and what not and ringing up people up north and down south to
get a handle on my nerves and stop behaving like the idiot that I inherently seem to be.

I mean what are you supposed to answer when someone arrogantly (OK I exaggerate that chilling calm voice is what I take as arrogance)states as a benefit of working in this place for over 2 years
“Where did you work previously (i.e its some small mid sized place)- here youve worked on blah blah – a big blah”
And I react
” Oh yeah So what ?? the next blah product you ask me to look at – well the manager there will also say
– I gave you the big chance on this blah , Did you ever work on this kind of blah”

I forgot – I forgot big time – that managers are also human beings
and human beings have egos
and a human being who happens to be a manager and Indian usually tends to have a big big ego.
Add to it the calm ones who are polished and nurse the hurts like a wound which does not augur well for little people like me.

And then just when I was trying to soothe myself from all the woes being visited upon me – I had a surprise situation.
A complete blackout. No power no transport and absolutely locked up for a day away from all this.

I thought I would gain some perspective , but I seem to have lost it, dont know why.
I actually have self diagnosed myself as having a problem of inertia.
When I work on onething I find it hard to leave it and do something else.Even if its not my job – even if its not worth from a payoff
perspective. If I find it good enough to get it started I kind of persist on it.
Similarly When I dont work and veer off to movies and books , work seems like a necessary evil and hard to get started on.
This extends to many other things which includes like not looking for a change.
But fortunately or unfortunately – strange circumstances happen – which finally get me moving every couple of the years.
Seems the next cycle has started.

Anyways its great to listen to stuff you pretty much know and actually might have said to them once from friends.
It reaffirms the whole thing again and makes us feel good.Same stuff we repeat to each other when times are bad , but it does help.
Like one freind told me a such stuff – to calm my mood – part of which I sort had once told her in different words though.Nothing new.
“See if I hire a servant from a village, and she looks after my in laws fine and is very helpful to guests but I dont seem to be
her priority I will still complain right. So it happens let it go.”
Then she added her hubby’s wise statements to it.(Ok I let it pass that he’s a manager)
See if your existing servant whom you started off asks for a 30% hike you scowl. She leaves – you hire a new one at 50%.
And those are the facts of the world we live in.”

Actually I previously had a co-worker who for all his faults had a great sense of humor.
He once remarked women are perfect for QA – they have inherent qualities for it.
i.e they find find faults with everything and anything – Nothing seems satisfying enough.

The verdict though has been clean and clear from pretty much my close friends I know.
“You think way too much – what is there to think so much about trying for alternative job.
First try and then you can think – and dont over- react as if your job is in jeopardy (they know the whole issue is simply which
manager gets to suffer me now that I am angry)
You are one hell of a coward deep inside when it comes to yourself – in initiating the change”

Yeah I find it hard to disagree, – but I have my reasons
and at this point they say thats the hard part
“your reasoning is totally flawed but hard to argue with you” –
So I start being a little courageous for myself. After all

“Courage is the fear of being thought a coward. ~Horace Smith”

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Ahem the Appreciation(Mails)

I had been on this thought since the last fortnight or so but finally in this rainy sleepless night have managed to key it in.
“Feeling appreciated is one of the most important needs that people have.
When you share with someone your appreciation and gratitude, they will not forget you. Appreciation will return to you many times.”
Steve Brunkhorst

Beautiful and True – If only it wasn’t developed into a fake art.

Appreciations or rather appreciation mails form one of the most important part and parcel of what we call our corporate jobs.
Oh well even government jobs have some appreciation I learnt, when I saw my father display some of his stuff.

Its the perfect alternative cited by the hallowed managers as what one must go after instead of materialistic compensation.
Even if for a moment you believe them you will only end up in disappointment with how much of all this is fake.
All I want to know is – if I have some one honest enough to let me in on the secret do they believe it themselves
and most importantly do they think that all their reportees are such blind fools not to see it through.

I guess at the core there are two kinds of appreciation mails – the original and the fake

The genuine and really heartfelt ones – rare from our managers in India, relatively easier to get from overseas customers/managers
Here while some are real nice and make you feel really appreciated ,some are a tad too
profuse and dramatic to the point of being embarassing at times.

Fakes as always have more variety unlike originals – so three very basic varieties

First are the obligatory ones sent – usually in response to one appreciation – its kind of like retweet on twitter

Someone from the top appreciates someone – and so they feel obligated to appreciate to appease the original top honcho
– Good job / Great job blah blah.
And they want us to believe they appreciate. Hell !!

Second are the compulsive appreciators. The ones who appreciate as a mean to appease themselves – something like
“I am on top I have the power to appreciate.”
So they send a good job – Wonderful and such one liners for every task by email

Last comes the calculated appreciations a hybrid of the above two
The ones with the right cc , with the right cut copy and paste .The ones which dont just feel fake, but in someway seem to
want to ensure its obvious the are fake – the mean art of appreciation.

Thought about it when we received a appreciation mail for some work from a Sr manager abroad in very simple
genuine almost handwritten letter kind of words.
Felt nice though,No big deal we felt ,apart from the fact that we had to do a
rarity in our project – work late till midnight for just a day.
The cc list was a bit too high up , I almost felt – why the heck.
And then a follow up mail a week later to it saying the customer too was very happy and we were like – uff let it be please.
Glad to hear and love that you appreciate.

And here it wouldve ended but for the fake drama that ensued.
First the clueless immediate manager wants to know – umm what was that for.

I reply back – I did blah blah …
A did mwha mwha ….

And then in half an hour it gets retweeted to another cc list as I said

Good job B for doing blah blah
Good Job A for mwha mwha . keep it up

Some say this is needed to spread the word. May be it is – So a Good Job with the Fwd will suffice ,
but when you start doing cut copy paste in such manner of my own words – back to me its a fake and makes me despise you for the fakeness.
This is why its probably better to go after materialistic compensation. At least the fakes there have some use till discovered as fakes.
And so it goes…

Its been a messy career move for me, the last one I did I guess. Quite unhappy here in every aspect.
Why do you need to ask for what you deserve??
I refuse to – not a great career plan , but what the heck !!
Its time for them to get what they deserve.
Ive got to move out of this comfort zone Ive gotten myself into. More on that later.

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Extremely boring stuff ahead …..

OK Fate has conspired to ensure that I finally write a post after what seems ages since I last did.
Happenings are perfect –
A mid year\review discussion at office – the kind that makes me desperate to vent out.
And I forgot my laptop charger at the office so no busy busy work .
Its a forced break from work this weekend and Im detemined to make most of it.

As a first proof of my maturity or mellowing down with age I will not unlike my previous posts ham and ham about horrible management.

Lets start it with some unsaid thoughts. I had thought and thought in in myriad hues – about saying this and that months ago but then this got planned suddenly this month and I was not really up with my exact punchlines . Sad hmm.

Life is cruel , My manager received a terrible feedback himself from his team (I was cruelly neutral as has he been) as his scores were out just a week back and the fella while sportingly trying to recover from it goes in for another review and I say Im unhappy and so on….

I have no scope here…this that ….
I am told about how scope in product companies are different (slow moving wonderful elephants).
Then I am asked what have you done for your product and you talk of scope and so on and forth about the innovation and differentiation.

Anyways Ive lost the plot honestly these days.There is lot of back flashes to all this wherein
I am the angry frustrated person among the oh so cool acting people lecturing like “Baba Whatsoever” saying
Take it easy , Calm Calm Cool it while muttering and simmering inside and being sarcastic whenever opportunity arises.

Neverthless when I complain about no feedback – I am told I’ve been told earlier too to schedule a meeting to discuss such important issues.
But I finally get one, I think you should be quite successful but you see you seem to come across as a very harsh person ,whom people are not keen on approaching but people like we who work with you
find you quite fine. So you should be some one people should ant to work for.
Now I quite sportingly said “I take that”
What I left unsaid is You are not the first person and you wont be the LAST to say this.

Faking it is the greatest corporate mantra (or may be the way life is supposed to be).Show a little emotion and you are frustrated. WoW
Serves me right for ignoring all my assumptions about the big MNC’s. But the thing is I’m quite tired in Life and et I have to look forward and plan a move to get any raise.
Half Glass Empty Thinking – First Time in my career – Over 18 months – and no raise and no diamonds
Half Glass Full Thinking – First Recession seen in life (ok lets not think the IT crash of 2000)

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Finding a safe cocoon in Work Work and more….Work

I’ve been like at my most work alcoholic phase of my life.Its not because I have more work, well its because I am taking it up.
Its not cause I hope for a hike or a promotion (cause recession / or at least the hype about it has ensured that there’s not a remote chance of it) but just because I feel better doing it.
There’s hardly anyone questioning me out here, I pretty much have my way, the team
work is relatively reduced by my own way and Im happy doing individually whatever nuisance I seem to be in.

Things are not very good all around in every sphere of life – so I seem to have taken a kind of solace in being lost in getting the stuff up and running at work.
The work is nothing very innovative(my self reflection tells me I just ain’t into innovation though every company seems to have innovation as its buzzword these days – I like success in implementation i.e seeing things work.) .So this work is more of getting things to work and well seems to give me some peace as I work all day long late at home while no one @ office bothers what I am working on.But then thats the best part of this place – flexibility.

Anyways I kept thinking so much of reading something, watching movies,and writing a post but somehow, felt better to just get lost in work.

It took some troublesome scenarios at home all over again to make me feel like writing again.
But in the end it was because I simply forced myself away from the work and tried to accept the fact that in here – in this life ,I will never have my way without hurting myself and everyone.

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”
— Mitch Albom (The Five People You Meet in Heaven)

You fight your way in the world , hope wish and finally get a small room to yourself and now people wish to move back to a little cozy all in one happy togetherness of sharing and adjustment as this causes trouble and finally something for them to worry about .
Logic has nothing to do with this its just a whim to be taken care of – save pennies spend pounds is what works in my home.You can go on non co-operation movement but then thats the whole point. You hurt yourself as much by hurting some.I’ve tried to break off in my own way as I do not fit in but fate’s never let me.
I do wish to act highbrow and say I do not believe in destiny but I can’t.
But yes all my life I’ve done one thing as is said
“I believe in destiny
I also believe that I have the right to restrict its options” – Ive surely exercised that right – at what price is debatable.

Looked simply its nothing, its just that some people like me were just wired hyper – sensitively in a very wrong manner . To handle this requires immense insensitive behavior and doing that makes you feel bad in general and so you end up being unhappy anyways.(On second thoughts there seem to enough people around me who think I look way too happy despite too many not so good things.)

At work I’ve just one teammate and as much as I am annoyed by the fake niceties of this chap I’ve tolerated him cause its WORK and because unfortunately we are in the same team and started off having lunch together with another chap and my manager since we all joined and now not want to act childish and make unnecessary enemies for no good reason.
But one fine day I just snapped back at a joke made when I was seriously checking some financial stuff and since then the chap’s started being deliberately uncommunicative .
While this would be a reason to celebrate in all normal circumstances it ends up causing immense communication issues during work, so I did what I never do, i.e keep talking as if all was just fine , as if I never noticed that you were being uncooperative.
That I need to be like this causes immense strain to me.
Then there’s my manager – poor chap acts very decent but has indirectly implied that he’s had to suffer in many quarters because he had to go and ask for clarity in work and this he did – because I really made huge noises about it.
I do feel bad about some stuff which has happened but then I believe that was due to wrong handling, but then that’s the problem with quiet people. Its tough to guess whats going on in their head.

Nevertheless I was really stuck up and all, tried reading a book and unfortunately I was a with a book which though different and good was not quite the right one for my mood – “The Autobiography of an Unknown Indian” By Nirad C Chaudhari.

So today I just re-read the speech by Steve Jobs which is something I really love apart from the Orhan Pamuk stuff I keep loving and writing about , then read some blogs and I really feel so better and I finally wrote some nonsense in here.

I will write something better may be tomorrow itself.

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Some Nonsense I’m living with and a Gross Misjudgement on my part

This has been one hell of a stupid kind of fortnight since the new year. As ever  appraisal time are as evidenced on my blog are usually very drama oriented.
This year at this new place I am may be doing a complete U turn and writing a defence for the other side. But what is bloody uncomfortable is I am a fringe player in this drama and yet it has affected my mood worse than when I was at the center.

When I was at the center it was a one or two day thing of fretting and fuming and a post or two here – thats it – then get on with it – the work the life. Now its like there’s filth all around and every other day something sticks on as you stand at the fringes thats the feeling.

This is going to be  another of those boring long post to  shake off some of that feeling .

Joining a new project /organization especially one where most people have stuck on within themselves  together hating it –  too much with the mood similar to the “better or worse” norm – for a minimum of three years – (I dont know the maximum )  it is tough enough for someone who’s slightly socially challenged and has dripping sarcasm and being single open for speculation.

But what’s worse here is unlike most places where work somehow due to its sheer quantity and the competition took precedence and blunted the direct effect of such gossip and its different side effects. Here the frustrations and ill will is played out like an art – the sort it probably was done during the Cold War.

When I joined I was the first member of a new team in a set of very old teams working together to safeguard what they could retain by merging into a huge corporation.They like the brand name now but are not willing to give up their secrets or rather what they believe is the result of their hard word and experience to anyone new – their only source of security.

In a way I am fortunate I feel . It could have been worse but then if it were may be I’d have run off again .
I mean I was put in a brand new team – with brand new people and a manager who too belonged to the newer brand .So I kept myself relatively isolated but then our work inherently depends on the old guard. Why they hired us – under what great/ inner agendas this whole thing is going on is yet unclear. Suffice it to say that our team has a slightly differential status as its more specialized in a generic area and not deeply competent on a product only which most here are .
Thus as of now we have lesser work(Not that we mind it – but we were at times desperate to do something more).This sure hurts people who believe they are a slogging workhouse.But well thats ok, I’ll take it any day.

When I came in first the most problematic timing was the lunch. You never knew where to go. In fact I believe it mostly is in any new place and even in older places. One excellent piece on this scenario which is very close to my experience is described in an excellent manner at this blog.

Started out in the inhouse cafeteria room where women who get lunch boxes converge but as I heard the saas bahu sagas and people started getting too personal it made me flee. Luckily new team member A joined and our manager too joined them- being new in this location himself somehow to lunch with the team.He’s pretty easy going and casual and so we did not mind and hence 4 of us lunch together i.e 2 of whom report to him.Now I had very deliberately  avoided my managers at lunch(despite their nice efforts – i was quite abrupt) in my previous jobs. That I preferred the opposite scenario now is in itself is obvious of what I think of the rest of the crowd.This was setting myself up for some crap from mean people but I was prepared for this .

It is relieving to walk to a different building where the canteen is as unlike my previous  place where I was hardly at my desk I am glued to my desk here – work or no work.
It feels better to hear a bit of nonsense about politics cricket or some work related crap rather than being questioned about how your mom allows you this and my mother in law is against this or doesnt your sister get bored now that she has no job.The faked concerns just get to me .Dont know some are may be genuine but I neverthless dislike it.

I am a dull person usually so I surely feel fine when there are abit of effusive and talkative people around , and in such a new place there was this vibrant and fun girl R a northie slightly loud but easy to get along.
I was not down south at the age when people acquire tastes and feel I lack that understanding and appreciation for the South Indian movies and jokes which seem essential to a lot of conversation without getting into  personal matters of home caste and family.
The one thing about her was she spoke out which seemed better to me most of the others who spoke at the back.
R simply is very well known and chats non stop about her  family ,lovely daughter and has a tendency to get very concerned about personal life of others (something she denied vehemently and has now taken as a personal affront – as her new manager now which happens to be my manager(Ah Irony) pointed out that she paid more attention to personal matters- now I pointed out that at least thats how she come across as – even though  she does work  very hard  ).I sure should have more sense to keep my mouth shut but I just tried being some good friend and tried to explain why she is perceived by the management and she should act slightly professional – rather than just going on about my work is professional stuff. By my stupid advice I invited some more cold professional vibes.

I would have cared two hoots but for the fact that I have been assigned something like a consultant on a tool to her and thats being my nemesis.

Thing is for once I simply MISJUGED hugely the amount of trouble being friendly with her will cause.(this post must be a lesson learnt for me).
Not only that I spoke a bit more about others with her than I now feel I should have.
My manager said once you should drive R to finish this job soon now that you too are part of helping her – I felt very upset the way I was being used here by both people.
She walks up with errors and expects me to instantly answer them without any trial and error i.e if you try to compile and check – oh I have done that – next what and next what and acts as though thats what a consultant is for.When you tell her that may be her OS is corrupted and not the tool  as ntdll is a windows file she gives a decent shrug – oh thanks a lot dear .
If she was the same from the start I dont mind – this drama started since the day she talked about her management feedback discussion and I gave my stupid friendly advice.(Silence is golden I remind myself so much now again after

damage is done)

Update: Ok next day R came up and she said , don’t feel bad I was in a terribly bad mood and Never meant to hurt or ignore you in any way.Well at least that relaxed me a bit, howmuch ever she meant it.

She’s built a deep seated negativity about my manager due to one of her past friends who while quitting had enough fracas with this manager.She vents it out in ways our team is rather uncomfortable with and me and A both find it  unpalatable. He’s hardly a great manager – too indecisive ,too  much of a loyalist and has a too much of the traditionalist approach at times – and for me the worst part is sometimes he gives too much of a free hand at work  which people take liberty with – including me at times- but he’s as fair enough as they come I felt .

The Appraisal discussion week is the week of long faces all over.Whatever it is the repercussions were so bad that  finally the poor exhausted manager confessed to us- (that such a assumption would be made was news to him was new to me, I thought that its an expected scenario).
“People here are so unprofessional that almost everyone here it seems expected that you two would be rated higher by me due to our being very friendly at lunch.But what to tell them that even you two are extremely displeased with my rating“.

This was because we both expressed serious concerns and had record of nearly 2 hrs each of furious discussion over it

with him .

Though on my part I simply used it to vent all my concerns over work and all and I dare say his experience in managerial diplomacy was appreciable.
For most of the part I really was fine with the rating simply because the work I did as per me just good and I do not consider it anyway excellent by my own standards.The tragedy is there’s no one in the project with better standards.
Our moot concern was if you dont give us work how do we display our competence and he countered it in standard managerial way.
Go beyond you duty – come and ask and take up tasks. I was blunt enough to answer he should know why I or rather many did not do that, I do not want to be saddled with what I dont like.
What upset me was simply that people who did below average to bad too get rated the same but then in those damn rating system you just have excellent / good / average and anyway in a year and and in a company where the difference in hikes as per ratings(if there are any this horrid year) is usually just 1 or 2 thousand why bother.

So honestly after that 2 hr argument I just was like chilled out and cool as I never was after a appraisal discussion as I never was in all these years. Then I slowly noticed the insecure talk all around and experienced the whole R drama and it simply leaves you with a disgusting feeling.

If nothing it vindicates my decision to avoid the management track at quite some cost to myself.
I just am not comfortable with such people games even if I can at times out of sheer necessity play them I am extremely uncomfortable in this arena and it takes a huge toll on me.

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A Serious Joke

 
Ok I have a cruel streak and here’s a example.But then the world has too much of a stage loving posers for my comfort zone.
There’s my sole teammate at work w.r.t being a peer – he’s a tad short .The chap used to be a bit too effusive with  self gloating humor
 and all and so I too never bothered much about restricting my sarcasm.
Now I’ve shut up but I guess its a bit too late and the way it pans out is worthy of note.
Months ago as we returned from lunch , he with a spring in his step was jumping around hitting some signs hitting across the office corridor.
I remarked in my blunt manner smilingly that had you done this when you were young it would have been better.
He immediately said you should not say such and i realized ok ok one does get touchy .
Today nearly 3 to 4 months later as we were going for lunch he instinctively jumped to hit the sign post and and then checked himself with

clenched fist. I noticed that and later during some remark of his I remarked that you act as if you dont care but this
is how at heart you take things.

And now in front of my boss the joke continues.
He:You know what would happen if I tell to the HR what you said says he.

Me: Oh go ahead tell it to HR.After all i just spoke about the benefits of such jumps when young 🙂 rather than now.
He: No No This is a hurt to short people and discrimination.
Me: Ok enjoy yourself go and complain
He: yeah then I will become famous about a reverse case of discrimination.
Me: May be but then you dont know how many well wishers I will have who would say what a brave girl – just said what’s on her mind while we could not say it .
He: Ha ha nopes nothing like that will happen
My Boss; Smilingy indulging us while making mental notes – yeah by the end of it all the organization will have to hang all signs too low so

that no person feels short when trying to hit them.

Now all this was done with smiling faces . This exactly is why A joke is always a serious thing.
Life’s a vicious circle we all somehow fall in and it nurtures itself on and on.

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Aargh..Just the same

Aristotle was right – absolutely right
“All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind”
And so was whoever who said that nothing changes – life just goes round and round.

Again the same thing(Huh even my normally sweet and reticent friend today agreed once she went to US – that yeah all jobs are the same)
Again a flashy fiery email about what else but workplace attitude.
Again some funny cause – being unavailable for a remotely broadcast training arranged way too late i.e for a product  you’ve already finished a project on .
Only difference – this time the cause is not a single person ( I like to give the benefit of doubt to some people some times ) but simply a comedy of errors or miscommunication (unless I think up a conspiracy theory here which frankly in workplace scenarios  cannot be ruled out.Now I didnt mean outside the workplaces such scenarios are ruled out – they actually are the norm, Ask Ekta Kapoor. )
Ah that line of Karla from Shantaram and how many times do i quote it – “If fate does not make you laugh you just don’t get the joke”
I’ve been getting the joke more than ever these days.
And to think just in my previous post I was sort of complaining about feeling less passionate about venting or raging about anything .Think before you wish dear – Think before you wish.
=================================================================

P.S: Read up the blog of a chap I knew (Blogging’s become so very fashionable these days since Amitabh and Aamir started it that I feel like stopping writing here – feels as though I ‘m trying to do some in thing).
But neverthless quite a  revelation some stuff – though sometimes I wonder if a lot of it is fact – especially stuff about some gals. Reminded me of the boasting done by the character Raj in “Bachna Ae Haseeno” after meeting the first heroine in the story played by Minnisha Lamba.

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Old and Nostalgic

Time just surreptitiously takes away your life – a day at a time and before you know you have nothing left.

Did want to write something from quite some time but its just that have been unable to zero upon anything.
Books I tried to speed read – a few non fiction,
movies – well a few but need some discipline in my head to write anything
the world around you crashing in different ways and means – floods ,stock markets, terror attacks and yet I seem to have become sort of lost in my very cocoon , once again.

Work when its open ended makes you feel busier than when say its target oriented. Work centered around evaluation / exploration of stuff seems a cool thing but in the end it strains you a hell lot more than when you work towards getting done with stuff to acheive a target thats set.
Handling such things then becomes more of an attitude thing i.e how you as a person want to take it based of course on your position in life and workplace and universe too i guess.

You don’t have the pressure of targets – so if you have a take it easy and anyway we can cook up a story and such get away kind of attitude life is pretty cool in such work scenario.

Problem starts if you take it as though you want to put across something substantial for the exploration/stuff you have been working on and you hit roadblocks at everything, and you never know where to stop , what is enough or is it good enough.
Being at a new workplace in such a job sort of makes you more intent on the second option and thus I’ve been feeling a bit like a workalholic.Not that many will believe at my office since I walk in pretty cool at 11 .

Sometime last month again I went through living my usual yearly stress – of avoiding people forced to wish me happy birthday and asking for treats and cake and all that drama. Not that I dont do it for others , but they seem happy about it. I pretty much may be mistaken about them.Who knows.
For me I never since childhood enjoyed it and with time I tried my best making people miss it which kind of had a strange effect.
They missed it that one time and after that never really. So the best way out was join the exuberance and say oh people would like me to be at home and avoid all and then give some treat just any other day to make them feel I was normal enough.

People who somehow crowded my life with their affection, though I never looked or hoped to get it all have dissappeared with time and its cruel ways and it is now you feel the vaccum.

I’ve never minded being alone and loved solitude since childhood somehow but as they say

How sweet, how passing sweet is solitude.
But grant me still a friend in my retreat,
Whom I may whisper–Solitude is sweet.

When I was a child I never had the friends – so may be it never meant that much
but now after these years of cribbing complaining and sometimes escaping a set of people I miss their presence.

But oh I’m older – did not some Ted Koppel say
It becomes increasingly easy, as you get older, to drown in nostalgia.

Or May be I’ve been born old – an old soul – hmm cause I seem to have been drowning in nostalgia since forever. Over 3 years of nostalgia on this blog seems a testimony to that fact.

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The unwelcome women managers

People seldom differentiate between managers and leaders but there’s a huge difference there. And while with respect to leadership women may be fine though using different style totally I’ve never seen much loved women managers esp in middle management.
I do not mean competent , they are more often than not competent and ambitious but i mean I’ve never heard of any mid level woman manager being admired inspirational and so on.
There was some talk about opportunities ahead for women in the organization and also with some new women in the managerial hiring last quarter there’s been some incidents which made me feel like summarizing a few thoughts.

Somehow in software when i do a reality check women as managers are yet to be cherished by employees.
From what i’ve seen around in all my previous organizations , whenever there is a woman manager there’s a instant dislike, suspicion and the foremost people to initiate or at least openly express these are the unfortunately women employees.

Most of these thoughts are from what i hear and then perceive from people around me rather than my individual experience which is a bit offbeat.

There’s an instance of a woman manager making a point about employees being on time. This stringent rule in a organization known for its flexibility in timings, certainly made one too many employees furious and ended up as a complaint against her.
In a normal circumstance I also pretty much will join this complaint, when people make an issue about hours and timings.
But what i dislike is why people link this as a issue that cropped up because the manager was a woman and women are like that, too rule abiding taking things too seriously and what not.

In another organization my friend is forced to come on time(being the only flaw explained in her one year of tenure because of which she did not deserve a promotion) even if there is no work by a manager who is a guy. Here they say he’s a horrid sadistic boss but they do not say , oh he is guy.

Frankly a lot of women are high strung and cannot relax with deadlines looming  and in such a situation when your employees go around playing TT and have endless smoke and lunch breaks it i guess it does get on their nerves.

From what i observed there’s a root cause.
Women want to go home (or at least off work) invariably on time and quite a few like to do decent work if not great and so would like the things all in control and fine when they leave office.
Men on the other are quite cool , a delay here a delay there  – we can always stay late , come later and are so much relaxed.

So yes its very nice to have a boss who is cool and will never make a issue about timings and errors and wont like to be in know how of your whereabouts every minute,
BUT its not very easy TO BE such a boss when you have employees you know are not all committed.

My short experience in that scenario of being a back up manager put me off management track quite well. I am quite a nervous freak myself and

have fondness for own personal time way too much and so yes its much easier doing your work however tough it is than getting a bunch of disinterested people committed to work.
The worst part is any case is the personal slurs that people make if the manager is a woman. I am all for criticizing their over strictness or  even their over ambitious drive in proving themselves and the picky nature, but whats terrible is to keep quiet when people make statements
like
” Oh this is what happens when a frustrated single woman is a manager ” OR
“She just got in through her husband’s connections” OR
the standard stuff about looks and character.

Also when a mistake is pointed out by a manager , they say oh he’s being too much. If she’s a woman manager well she’s  picky – she’s a woman.
Ok women are picky at times esp our brilliant technos hate it when a lady goes on picking issues with email and language.
A guy as a manager wont do that.
So there you go , another irritant factor against women as managers.

Then there are things I hear that makes you really feel cynical.
You have all our great MNC’s promoting women in workplace and you have a senior manager in one of the greatest workplaces disliking women at workplaces.Of course he wont dare to go on record in his company .
But thats the whole point – by making rules you cannot change attitudes.And imagine how that inbuilt resentment is expressed in everyday life in subtle saddism.

Women more often than not worry – it comes naturally esp if they strive for a perfect deliverable.Also trouble follows cause they ensure that you also worry about it and do something.
Something that many people think is quite uncool esp if there is a chance to get away with it.

I really on a personal front (i.e about my managers) cannot tell the difference caused by gender of managers in concrete terms much may be because I take things individually rather than gender wise and my experience has been quite reverse i.e i have had more immediate managers as
women rather than men.
I have cribbed all my blog about them, but I doubt any of those issues would have disapeared if the manager was a guy.I honestly wonder if the rare few who read the past three years of crap on managers here guessed that my manager was a woman.

I’ve had good as well as bad from them – I doubt sometimes men as managers would have fought for me and my work with senior management with as much passion and conviction as my previous managers did.
They had their own benefits and reasons for doing that but yet when I look at my current manager I suspect he would stand up for any one and fight .
And yet I tell people that he’s quite cool – reason he never gets worked up over deadlines, will not care that i come in at 11 am almost every other day (OK fine thats my achievement – I finally convinced my woman managers too to live with that flaw of mine with a commitment
that none of their expectations in terms of work will be affected )and is a quiet listener, a humble person with great commitment to the organization .

Ive seen others of this kind , loved a lot by employees, if the employees are good they make them work , if not then they themselves do the work but they do not take a stand and fight. May be thats being cool.

The problem though i guess comes at the end with such people.At the end of the day when you want something tangible while they do support you , people of such  nature will start talking philosophy, rules and organizational commitment etc.
They may want to help you but they really lack a passion to fight for their own selves how will they do it for anyone?
I guess as usual i deviated from a general issue to a personal one, but such seems to be my limitation.

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Becoming Rude

On hindsight i think for a person who’s quite shy with new people i am very rude too .
But as much as i try to be patient if not nice,  its tough for me to be  saccharine.
It occured today too , in fact it seems like this whole week was the same in a way.
The problem stems from my inability to be diplomatic where i and my beliefs are strongly involved and my absolute lack of self control  over my facial expressions when angry.

There’s A in my team who too joined almost at the same time as me. The guy used to be some sort of a technical manager onsite and now we are all back to working rather than managing. As much as i try to be quiet and let things pass it becomes a tedious life .

Unlike others , esp chirpy young girls who usually get awed by a US returned or talk of US i do not and rather  get bored hearing of the rides there, of the food there and all the trappings. In fact i just have the same old problem of never being over eager to know about  what your colleague was upto  or is daily upto except may be the work (If i consider the person a friend or truly look up to them its different, i love to hear all but such people are far and few)  .Thing is thats all the chap talks about apart from work – how much US people liked him , how good it was there
 and how much fun he had.
Such  conversation is pretty straining to me even though i personally agree with the universal notion that he is a simpleton and too sweet spoken .
Problem is i it gets to me that….. being sugary though you arent as happy or amused really.

Even talk about  work ends abruptly like this because our attitudes are different. He asks questions about something i ve worked on and expects one to have a one shot answer and i am a person who likes to search analyze and answer since i have a severe shortage of memory in my head,
 i do not and cannot rattle off Java methods. I rather happily look into the API and am very  quick to underastand it use it and forget it.
All i remember is the keyword and that its there in the API.

I try and i try to be helpful(after all you dont want to be at loggerheads with your only team mate considering the third chap in the team struts as a senior ) despite some irritating acting smart questions, cant see why cant he google them up if he’s so dissastisfied but i have my limitations.
In such a scenario when you raise  points about what i beleive in strongly  i do dish it out scathingly.

A: (In Jest …thats how it starts)You come in so late , do you think if you were in your prev comp it would have been fine

Me: I was the same there too and they tolerated me because when they raised the point i ensured that i come at 9:30 and leave at 6:30 which ended up being a loss to them.
 You walkin and play TT for 2 hrs and i just walkin a hour late. Whats the use of being in office to count hours .

A: Its not the same .you see i believe all must come at 9:30 because when themanager is in all the people should be around and one must stay
till the work is complete(of course thing being his managing hangover). If i was themanager i would never tolerate people coming at 10:30 or 11.

Me: If you were the manager i would never join your project.

A: Hmm well yeah that is a different thing

Me: You count  hours present and not amount of work. Well that does not cut with me . I will not stay in such a place  where they count hours spent  and not work done. I will come at 9:30 and stay till 9 , and yet wont do much is that ok with you? ( I delivered it in such a scathing tone that reflected my prime irritation with such ideologies )

A: Hmm see thats not the thing. chalo chodo. (Poor guy this is what happens when you have only one gal in the team and she is so scathing and upfront instead of being the nice oh so amazed…tell me i will learn kind of thing).

He turned back to work at his laptop and did not talk for nearly 2 hrs and i felt remorse at expressing my beliefs so clearly esp since the chap is a jolly kind of fellow
 and every one likes him a lot.But my patience was used up a lot when i was young and here i am old and impatient and i cannot humor people much.

The other incident was like a comedy of errors straight out of Shakespeare.
I have been particulary upset at my work environment due to various reasons particulary lack of clarity and decision making .
In one such a time i happened to be in a classroom where my manager uttered “May be it was my fault or may be it was yamini’s fault” in a very confusing context.
This triggered off all my pent up frustration in this place and i stormed out of the room requesting a one on one.Everyone almost thought i would hand in my papers i looked so upset.
 Of course after i vented how and why was i dragged into a mess i hardly am related to i was calmly clarified by the manager that he was referring to another yamini  – the one who arranged the things.

Now for once i am sorry, though i was glad to have put my all other thoughts clearly in the meeting  that i am fed up with lack of clarity , but then in an innovative environment clarity is always lacking or so it seems i am told.
Huh well so be it.
Life’s being unkind all over again since last year can’t help it.

Since friends are sparse , rather than cram life with just people
I long for some solitude .
I want time , some work just by myself , collaboration can wait.

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Pathetic overhearings

Pre Scene happenings:
Tall modern new women manager joins office
Single young fresher wins awards for taking initiatives and innovative ideas

Conversation overheard at Lunch:

W1: I cannot spend that extra time for all this appreciations.
W2: Hmm now they reward people for spending extra time at office
W3: Yes for all that you need to put in more time and we cannot because we have responsibilities
W1: Yes we too if we had remained single could have been like that.
W2: Been like what?
W1:Huh That lady manager
W3: Why do you say that..She has a 13 yr old son
W1: Oh well then (took a second to get over the wrong hypothesis ), well i guess its all about what priorities are.(Meaning she has family as priority so she is stuck here while that lady does not prioritize family like her so she has advanced in career)

Life sucks here….big time.So much hypocrisy.
Damn if you have taken the responsibility be proud of it, of your great sacrifice for the greater good…
why use it as a reason for someone’s success and your not being able to match them.
Its there everywhere, i knew it early, so did never have much hopes
but here the acid seems to be concentrated way too much even for my pessimism.

My work too seems to be at a dead end.I feel despair beyond my usual self in this place.
Something ought to happen….even if it is bad…i want to be out of this rut.

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Bidding Adieu to an era….and learning to let Go

Its been like the end of an era for me today in more ways than one.
I just walked out of a place i spent nearly 3 years – my workplace and no i did not even look back and walked off as though it was just another day.
I put in my papers a week back and to my utter astonishment I was relieved in a week when i had requested just a month early releiving (well when cost cutting is the mantra such things happen…my only regret being that if i knew they would be so nice I would not have spent almost an hour at the new company interview begging for a 2 months notice and instead bargained for a better package).

When i sit down and look back there is so much to cherish , so much to be thankful that it got over but yet I am not mourning .In fact i was almost tearful when two of my friends in the group left over a year back. I have changed it seems , that girl who used to get sentimental enough to sulk for hours and days when you leave a place/person seems to have finally after thirty years of existence gotten used to leaving things behind.
I have always since childhood had to leave things behind being the the daughter of a government servant transferred around, and every place it took one hell of a time to adjust and then when i finally did , we moved again and i became grief personified as a melancholic child.
Now i guess i finally have learnt to Let Go.
Is it because i have finally grown up , or is it because i have finally given up?
I have been wondering.

I dont know what lies ahead of me , and I being that worst scenario thinking person I do have my fears but i am so calm relatively.Then i came home and looked at my blog. I noticed that in the last 1 year after changing the project i have been relatively less bitter about my workplace esp my managers on the blog .

The reason being that it was relatively a much nicer project and place than my previous one but yet today when i gave my exitinterview i filled in the form in what i remembered bitterly .

After that i realized unfortunately that this might end up being used against my immediate project/manager rather than being taken as a collective feedback for the organization.
I spoke to my manager to let it be known and i guess she’s pretty cool on that which made me feel better.
In fact even in my previous project i really appreciate my manager for the support (despite such a sick sr management…against whom i have the real issues) and all except for the damned possesiveness they possesed about letting people go their way and the dramatics that were associated there.

Somewhere it pained when was greeted with a “thank you for your services” line but then what can you expect from someone way up the ladder and had minimal intearction with you.

For a moment i felt guilty about giving any negative feedback of any sort considering the fact that while i have always been criticized for not doing something more, I have always been appreciated here for doing what was expected of me splendidly.
But then I always believe that one needs to do it for a future set of people who would come in and some who stayed behind.

Nevertheless I for one last time met people who would remember me fondly and so would I though the chances of us meeting were less .
I somehow felt fine about leaving . I sort of realize deep within finally that things change in any case, if i dont move on others will and we anyways will end up on different paths.

I will always remember this place for the friends i made here….friends who remind me of the quote
“Love is blind , but friendship closes its eyes“.
So many of them did that for me , I ‘ve never realized why ?

People who pulled me out of my quiet moods ,
People who put up with my temper,
People who for all their jokes on all around spared me ,
People who gossiped all around and had so many judgements of everyone but never judged me or at least always put up a not guilty for me.
People who for all the ease with which they speak on all other stuff to me become hesitant when they ask me , when will you marry ? or invite us for your marriage.
People who stood up for me even when I spoke against them.
People who trusted me and took my word instantly.
People who may have thought me miserly but yet adored me despite it and spent a lil bit more on me.
We all have dispersed slowly across companies , cities and continents.
I will miss them . As you go up that damned ladder one is forced to climb i know it will rare to get that same love ,that trust that loyalty,
but then for once i will be positive minded, for i did not expect all the above here too when i left my past organization.(I started my blog with a poem missing people from my past organization)
I know its hard , but yeah for once its not really impossible.

So here’s hoping for the best and getting prepared for the worst.

P.S: I have now 2 whole months to fritter but considering i have only one offer in hand , to minimize the risk i am considering to request an early joining .
But yeah for the next fortnight i plan to just be idle and while away time , cause i no longer have a team i can go around with , and most friends are married and
have I have a family which does not travel well.
So i will get some books and enjoy them my greatest loves and traverse a thousand worlds. 🙂

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why isn’t it ever unfair in my favour?

So its Diwali and i am posting on this blog out here…..
That pretty much implies i am not into crackers
and i have had my share of watching the sparklers from the balcony.
The last 10 days have been a strain heavily on me …..
…..so straining that my only refuge was Calvin….and
i promptly updated my signature lines to
“Reality continues to ruin my life “(and it sure does…god or whoever has such a bad imagination)
Does Calvin rock….or what…I certainly dont remember every strip of his or all the names and stuff but his one liners i tell ya….Thats all thats there in this world.Bill Watterson you just are great.

I got my much awaited and debated appraisal….
and i am asked Are you happy and then leaving no chance as the expression my face
 became clear i am told “You should be happy”.
Gosh how people love to control other people’s emotions too …
At home parents/family tell you …you should like what they select /give.At office its the boss.

Damn i dont even get sympathy once i get outside with my pay cheque….cause i am told and true it is that except for a few excellent i’ve got the 2nd or 3rd best possible deal at my grade. Hmm the only line i could think of is
“In the kingdom of the blind….one eyed is the king“.

Whatever it is the thing is its over and i ve reached a dead end in my career too apart from my life which seems to be perenially stuck there.

Added to it my healths been at its lowest since probably years
and nothing really scares the living daylights off me than bad health.My imagination runs riot …and i just congratulate myself once more that despite being a topper in biology at school  i never wanted to become a doctor cause blood and gore and my imagination(developed by unintentionally watching those UGC programmes on brain surgery /skull drilling …i puke almost whenever i remember that).I would have imagined all the diseases i studied on myself.
One of the best decisions of my life….not taking up biology beyond school.

So sitting tired and staring at some horrible work at desk I casually remembered Bill gates and Calvin together and some farmers exploited by middlemen.
This is the crux story of outsourcing which i figured out by some chance glances at figures on some computers at work.
In the US the company saves $4000 by outsourcing a $8000 work to india. Super saving $4000.
The company here thus bills 1 Engineer around $4000 to this us client and pays the engineer $ 1000.
Assuming a $500 administrative expense per engineer our dear entrepreuner makes a cool $2500 profit.and they say farmers are exploited by middlemen.What about poor us….But we lack the courage to bet on  and be an entrepreuner …hmmm.

Gates said: Life is not fair get used to it.
Calvin:”I know ….but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favour?”
 

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A good read of some new maxims

Somehow found this site and been very happy about it.
http://positivesharing.com/2006/08/top-5-business-maxims-that-need-to-go

Pretty much what i felt always and what made be tell a friend at my BPO job once a quote by Stephen Covey .
” Treat your Employees as you want them to treat your Customers“.Thats the only line i cared for in the books i guess.

Indian Companies really go the old stupid way and its so pathetic when the times of india

published no hikes in IT for next few quarters on front page and rediff says work weekends.

Heck man did they give us extra hikes as dollar was strong or 4 day week .

 Then why all these stories now.

I ve been enjoying and relating to so much on the site .Like when my manager says to me ok great youve done good work..whatever you were assigned a great job but what more for the

company, we paid for your work what extra for the organization……and then the splendid question one keeps pondering is why pray why!!!

“Each individual should work for himself. People will not sacrifice themselves for the company. They come to work at the company to enjoy themselves.”
– Soichiro Honda, founder of Honda

Wish some one tells that to many of our managers

The site has great articles

Like this which reminded how whenever we had stayed late we got a pizza and

did that lessen our anger well no not at all.
Or may be those boring team lunches and biryanis organized.
http://positivesharing.com/2006/12/why-motivation-by -pizza-doesnt-work/
My yrs exp in the service industry supports this totally
http://positivesharing.com/2006/07/why-the-customer-is-always-right-results-in -bad-customer-service/

I ve seen techs who went out of their way and time to help customers who were

a bit kinder and nicer.

Then this http://positivesharing.com/2006/03/how-not-to-lead-geeks/
 esp the point about tools. How can you run a application which itself needs 256 MB and Visual studio on a machine which has only 256 MB RAM and then code test scripts fast. It sucks but people are expected to. Because we are so very adjusting.

 The whole set of articles i find are excellent and great but it seems the only people who read them are us who know them by experience and not the managers and leaders who would rather know them but well.
————————————————————
Last weekend read Benazir Bhutto’s Interview in Times
 It went like this
“The happiest years of my life were spent at harvard-radcliffe campus in the US.
I was young then , wore my hair loose and looked like Joan Beaz, and attended rock concerts in Boston.”

Immediately after the above she says
When i retire , I’ll have a less hectic schedule . I’d like to teach politics to young people.

I kind of wondered and wondered whyyyy

You were young and happiest in life at rock concerts and now for the newly young you recommend politics…..Its strange how radically one alters their perceptions…or is it that old theory of the happiness of the young being envied.
I am not the right person to know yet…i’m on neither side yet.

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Some organizational and management crap for the record

The less i want to write about management and organizational crap the more it seems to be around in life.
The last 3 weeks have been my most agonizing and irritating in quite some time. In fact i was so upset that i almost wished to put up that brilliant mail by my sr manager up here or somewhere on the web and see how many people really would like to work for such a manager.
Actually i beleive there will be quite many because there is no dearth of people who love the bureacratic way of working in an office or rather putting in the hours and not the work.

Management is all about having no principles(put beautifully as being open ) and double talk.
How are you supposed to feel when a manager constantly walks into team meetings and says 
” I am authorized to fire anyone “.
“We pay for you work  you are expected to do more for the organization”
why pardon…well everyone has that question but no one asks

“The company’s revenues are dipping and so you will see quite a shock in the appraisals” by saying this is his encouraging people to work well or work at getting off the organization i did not get

My lead tells me see dear i have no problems with anything your work is great and all else is fine…
but you see the sr manager is very upset about your walking in late…then she adds thought fully even there are issues in  team(now i know for a fact no one in the team complained…they just crack jokes and that is being used by managers)
Then she adds
If it was a work issue i could have explained saying you need more experience willl learn but what do i say for this…..its a silly thing and how do i explain it – you are single(oh yeah if you are single you should love nothing but your organization) ……dont even have any chores ……why cant you come on time.
Anyways i could live with that….but next day when a sr manager drafts a mail with the kind of plain threat about taking disciplinary action (i.e this is for walking in at 1 hr late ) what exactly must anyone do…well they should get back and put such people in their place and if my career did not have the precarious blanks and past career shifts no one and no one i know could have managed to threaten me like that.
I have often blogged about how i dislike charityin general  and mail goes on about how the
 “organization is not a charity institue…and one should follow discipline as other people who walkin at 9 feel upset about people who dont”
Walking in at 9  esp when there is no need is discipline ???….ahhh its for no reason i say life is unfair.
the whole mails had no reason or provocation except that two people  beleived that rather than wasting time chatting and playing TT at office one can walkin after a good sleep and yet finish all work better than anyone else on the team used to walkin an hour late.

Charity…by not firing me for walking in at 10:30 they think they are doing charity …WOW.
Though i am not much into charity and did not get much chance in my current project i think i have being doing a lot of free social work for the organization esp in my previous projects staying late and all that….huh.

After writing such a crappy threatening mail to the team he walkin smilingly and talks of where the team party would be and we are supposed to be excited. Now thats professionalism.
When a colleague put in the papers after taking a hike the sr manager says
 ” you’ve exploited me”….its soo amusing.
Next we hear he’s also planning to put in his papers as he has an offer from the Indian IT giant if he does not get a project here which sends him onsite.Such people talk of principles and we are supposed to be inspired.

The guy makes such jeers about local guys who are managers and love to have candidates
from their hometown but never thinks how openly its visible his preference for high profile / north indian gals.

Whenever i think that in the end you too have to end up as a manager you hate it being in the middle of such double talk.Well we tell each other at least while leaving we can speak during exit interviews but well no one including me is for it cause now companies have reference checks…another threat used to the hilt by managers….
and then you never know when during the job hopping drama you meet him and his friends again.
This is a very connected world….and so everyone stays mum and so they flourish.

So why am i here still here….
because everywhere else they like Perfect lies and i’m too scared to make up one.
If my age were a factor i should have been a manager by now and
since i am not  — dig up is what they do at interviews.
 everyone likes to speculate and its so much fun with a resume in hand.
Umm so why did you not do any work for four years …what kind of reason.
Put in a fake there for four years your resume is perfect and so can be the pay
…nothing else counts.
You just have to hope that lady luck is on your side and the company is not
 in a image building mood wherein they fire employees for putting in fakes and
since i know that lady luck and me are not on speaking terms i play it quiet .

I sometimes guess if i was a bit stupid or not good enough for the work i do
then may be i would have gotten away but while i am definitely nowhere brilliant
 but being quite good at getting things done , most people like to speculate on my personal life
 as why else would a 1st class engg graduate almost a decade ago is having only near to 3 yrs software exp and is still not in US.
It is oh so dissapointing and frustrating for most to find nothing there.
One of the guys on my team asked in his oh always being nice jokes ,
u from that college…..so when did you pass out
 implying how many times did i fail…
having a cute face ,a fancy car and classy humorous lines helps him anyday in this office .
Its with no reason that i say life is unfair but neverthless its ok after a 11 hr sleep almost everything seems fine to me.

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Raining Jobs and Parched IT TalentSpace

Essentially i am not much of a fan of rediff’s articles and its discussion

boards are really gross most times. But i came across this article.(Nothing new in the article really)

What struck me was a comment by a manjula pathy there which i somehow noticed

“Why cry? there are number of people who are very well experienced sitting at home bcoz they are middle aged. companies who hire want very young people.In some of the countries employers see only capability and experience and not the age ,caste and sex like they do in India!!!”

Its not like very greatly put may be but its a very essential truth. I am a part of this industry and have been an going through it and here are a few of my cynical observations .

Like say about young people here’s what it is,
Beleive me all companies want this—
A Engineering graduate with 70 or at least 60% + at 21yrs of age and then by 24 or 25 they should have a  3or 4 year experience.
That is perfect and thats what they want.

Now some years ago there was a IT slowdown. Nobody hired where would you get such perfect resumes. Many that are would go to US by now.So what is a clear …whenever there is something that perfect there’s a great chance its a fake and yet it is welcomed.No harm in that if you stand by it .

Then one fine day Integrity and Honesty touches these corporates and they fire off people.  Initially i thought it was quite fine and right when people who get in with fake are not upto the expected standard they must be penalised.

But I was shocked to read of a leading company’s statement.They say why did these employees fake it especially when they were competent enough to get it on merit. Well i guess it is they themselves and not the candidates who need to answer that.

And the answer simply would be that to even be considered for your interview you need fake.
What industry is expecting is perfect employees to use for their benefit but they are not mass produced. In fact in no industry do they exist these perfect employees.

Integrity is still available but i guess Integrity does not really equal smartness and what the companies need are smart workers isn’t it?

Its one heck of an amusing thing simply put.

Many times we discuss and wonder how cool it is in the US to work when you want , if you want to or work part time . Esentially people work and take vacations have a life and come back. Is it feasible in India really.

Can you walk in to a interview and say well i passed out of college did a great job for 3 yrs took a break for 2 years had fun ,travelled and now i want a job again. Is it possible.
There may be exceptions(esp women who get married or had kids but even they get in with hubby or friends help even though they are quite good by  themselves) but however competent you still may be after the break there is an assumption that you’ve lost it, your ability somehow at least in India.

HR people have these theories.
If you leave companies you are not stable. Well if all are stable how would you hire?

If you take a break and work or are not sure of your one great FAKE AIM in life(honestly how may have a real one in IT except earning money  which is unspoken )…you cant be reliable.(Assumption:for all you may leave the job any day to have another vacation- Ok confession – this aint an assumption I was asked this question once upon a time )

Can someone at 30 wanting to start a job really compete with a fresher though both are at the same stage of learning.
Its a absolute fact that youngster have more zeal will learn more and every company and country wants a young workforce but when you dont have the youth for it instead of cribbing about shortage cant we even look beyond.

I definitely am not for hiring  people who are sub standard for a given job but i wonder how many companies know what they are hiring for. Half of them stock employees on bench.Its sad to see freshers on bench. I would rather like a nice tired veteran on bench who can use the bench time to learn amd update slowly rather than the restless and raring to go fresher on bench. But yeah they hire the best in campus at times and put them on bench or make them do absolute useles work(some companies provide great recreation facilities though) and disillusion them till they fit into your regular job hopping IT employee type.

Another amazing aspect that HR people and companies keep gushing on is Employee referrals.
In fact I think that is the root cause of all substandard stuff.
You just have to observe with you eyes open when you wait in queue at inteviews. very interesting scenarios proceed. Actually some companies dont even advertise jobs all jobs are through employee referrals.

 Well what most companies don’t get is Indians love their own and their own does not start with their company(Unlike say in USA). It starts with family , cousins , all other relatives and friends and then the company .
 So the first good they think for when they refer for the company is in the same order….family……

But then may be one good employee and they think its ok relatives means same genes so it will anyways be good is it…(hmm well i get ideas when i write).
Also that quote ” Birds of a feather flock together”
But if that one employee is bad. Ah the theories.

There’s another amazing aspect i have discovered from my experience in IT and ITES world.There is so much importance laid on English speaking and all that – so candidates and evaluators take communication as equivalent to speaking good english.
So candidates rattle of words and words of english some with a great accent but ask them to write a stanza, or even something like reading comprehension.

Half of the wonderful IT people do not understand simple IT requirements definition documents. …forget the strange one authored by the Americans.

They code great , i mean i envy their command over coding and memorizing mnemonics and keywords , I poor me who relies heavily on intellisense of IDE’s….but do they really know what they are coding for.

Hell just ask some people to read a newspaper and some cant get it straight.Lets face the fact these crash courses in English will get you to speak good English may be but not speak what you wnat to convey and it will not develop your english. The best way to learn English or any language will be its constant use and reading something and assimilating it.

Thats why there’s no point in saying “It’s raining jobs! But whom to hire”.
Its more like Its raining jobs and no one knows what and why to hire let alone how.
P.S:Well thank god i have a nice job – if not good job-else this post may

seem like the greatest crib…but heck thats why I blog.

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No Individual Rights – be it cricket/ Workplace

I did not want to write much on the Indian cricket drama…so sad it has been but yeah i am forced to for more reasons than one…because mostly when i hear it it seems less cricket and more Management stuff in general relating to workplace politics.

Like i saw walk the talk by Kumble and he spoke how just because a set of players go out for lunch or other places together does not mean they have a rift with the rest.

Well this is what i fail to convince managers of….why do we read up the management books of the west and apply them to ourselves miserably.
I m told one must interact with all the team members of a 40 member team well great ….cool but i do interact and help…but how in the world do you expect that 15 as in the Indian cricket team or 40 in say my team previously would hang out together and have fun.

Why do we have team building activities thrust upons us….playing ball and games will not make anyone like a person who talks shit or is a egotist or bores you with self falttery.
Yeah we work together comminicate and as long as i do that why am i supposed to be oh so chummy with them.

In fact in some cases may be i do appreciate the difference in the opposite person and admire it too but that still does not make me be chums with him/her because i may not fit in there.

Ever been a single sitting at team lunch among married people discussing kids and inlaws.It gets to you.
Ditto the opposite …ever been a busy married one sitting among a bunch of singles planning the next fun weekend.You hate it.
This is a way too simple example but there are many other reason why you have groups and will always be there.

Important thing is there should never be any disharmony about work and communication in general should be encouraged but that hardly means mass meetings at lunch or some games devised by a foreigner(read it as Self help books…Seven habits/ DeBono amd what not) with no knowledge of Indian sensibilities.

One or two day training or activities do not build a team…esp if the constituents are the real quiet people who are not very outgoing.
In fact i guess a better way was as in school they rotated the desks and so rotate the cubicles. At least with some time you know a person in general than as a game or a lecture tells you.

Things take time…oh yeah they do.But we like it all instant….well food can be …and so can be other things but with people instant stuff never works.

Next was the damned BCCI contract thing…..i heard about.

Isn’t it the same when the CEO of a business goes about acquisitions mergers and what not for business and money …well quite good…but the moment a employee resigns for money its not really seen in the same light.

How does an employer get a right to your personal time and space…..
Sack the players for bad performance …surefire…
but how can you take away their personal right to choose what they do with their personal time.
Next i guess there would be a clause in the contract….should not go out with any Bollywood actresses 1 month before a major series.
Its more like mothers telling children …sit at home and watch TV and rest the sun and dust is not good for you….and implementing it strictly.

Managers ask you why you need a leave where you will be….and no most projects we do insoftware are not some mission critical stuff where your lack of presence will drown millions or lives will be lost.

Managers want to be the first to know when you get married…is the guy from town…coz you may have to leave otherwise.

This whole Management lanaguage upsets you ……its apt they’ve started calling the new post a manager. Oh yeah professionals the great power point wielders.

Wonder if all Aussies stuff is to be followed by players why not go the whole hog and do what they did to Pawar.

Shove such politics and political people off and say Get moving!!!!

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Uncertain Times Certainly

Ok well things have gone as haywire and yet as fearfully expected.The fears come true so dont fear them hmmm is that what it is ….ahhhh whatever.

In There i used to be like the center of most happenings at work…and i said i am fed up being surrounded by same set and at center and moved in here……. a perfect novice ….appearing actually more quiet , unsocial, strange than i actually am(of course relativity is a factor everywhere).

I seem to be nowhere and noone. Well not bad for me cause i am not very fond of being at the center in general its always been the backstage and backbenches that interested me. Only problem is if you want the money out here they say get on stage… and play along…and well now actually it is the only issue .
Now i know all who knew me in there where i stayed due to my inertia problem would say why did you give it up all and go there to start from a scratch…see this is what would happen…as if i had not contemplated it. I sure foresaw it and still made the choice.
I dont like it here nor do they like me in here.Cool…but well i thought lets see how it goes but then on friday they gave me a good excuse to move me into somewhere still new…AArgh.
Firstly for 2 yrs i never moved and now in 2 weeks …2 new places for me….huh. Not that i mind yet….till i see what the workload is like.
But the greatest tragedy on my resume is this….i am in such dilemma …which shall i put on it for the interview.
Unlike others who are good at either A /B/C. I am just familiar with all A and B and C but expert in none coz never got to work real time full fledged on any more than 2 weeks basic ramp up. So should i go for an interview fo A /B /C. Or may be just play along with these put her here / there game.

Though i must say she put it elegantly….

“you see in the x proj there is a crunch need and they want some one commited(i.e stupid to stay stuck for two yrs in same place) and i was asked how are you i said she’s very good and all”

All this was said in 5 seconds like rapid fire so that shows how it was meant . I was too quiet for my new hyperactive and ever food loving lead. Added to it i continue to hang out with my old friends from my different project a floor away and hence not mingling greatly with the team…. “a team that eats together esp snacks stays together” is the theme .

I though essentially beleive its my fault…i did not go simply because the bunch was a group of lucky freshers …they got a great technical project while starting off so very glum and surprised anyone who’s not familiar with their technology is suddenly senior engineer.

More importantly too investigative kind….i mean i honestly don’t know how to fend off such people at work or rather people with whom you are supposed to get along with.

I am new here and need help getting around with what are called known issues in projects s o i need to get along with people who’ve been here long enough to know the known issues. Now i have this lovely girl…very smart and investigative out of college a year ago and here’s the blantant drill she gave me with her demanding and coyish smile.

She:Are you a ASE or a SE

Me:I am an SSE

She:Uhu …since when are you here…..Oh so what is your salary

Me:xxxx

She:Oh so when did you have you appraisal, how much did you join for

Me:xyz

She;Oh so You had experience in other company too before ..oh where was it,how may appraisals you had then.

Me:Er wait i have to finish this …will talk later

In 2 minutes flat she got info off me so blatantly…i mean normal circumstances no one could even have dared ask me such questions directly….but such is what happens when you are supposed to gel in a team .

Thus i am glad if i am looked upon as unsocial and quiet and one who leaves on time. Out here they love the office and works a great excuse…most of them leave together…what bonding.

Now all this is cool with me …if only if only…….. all this would not affect the only reason i work at this software hell….my paycheck. Heck it does and so i want a way out….which way is the problem as i mentioned above A/B/C.

Things seem bleak now though……i remind myself the way i am wired i dont remember liking any place since school itself when its new….and remember all good things 6 months later. Thats the only solace.

So very fed up kind of mood that even did not feel like shopping but just went along with sis taking leave early at office once i heard of my new confusions there and what ho i got tickets somehow just on a hunch for “honeymoon travels.” Well not a bad movie though there’s hardly any story its more like an introduction of all the couples…it was a nice concept if only they wanted to tell a story.

What anyway felt great was that we got the direct bus home instantly after the movie…no wait… and well what a releif that can be.

And then i laze around on weekend worrying about all stuff and end the weekend with this post staring into a very uncertain week ahead.

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