The wasted times

So I decided to write a post -countless times I pen something in the head when triggered and
then by the the time I think let me write it organized just do not feel up for it.
Two things triggered this small post it both the past .
The current situation simply triggers anger or hopelessness .
So yeah the past though not the best allows once to reminiscence of different stuff.

First of course I opened the blog after nearly a year and I saw comments esp on the ICSE school days memories and they just put me back in a different frame of mind but I was like what to write about that isn’t already debated discussed or detailed upon in today’s hyper social media world.
Then I remembered a day back I was searching for a old required receipt and had to move all my stuff and
I found a box of letters from those days when letters were handwritten.
I shoved it aside saying no don’t want to walk down that lane, let it be.
But in a separate file there was a envelope somehow missed segregating .

It was a printed email – of a letter I realized not something I recalled straightaway till I read it
and it really brought back a flood of a memories and realizations . They were less of myself but more of the eras our generation truly bridged.

It was from a friend who had moved to study in the US just pre2000 and she had emailed the letter to her sister who printed it and posted it to my address as I did not have a computer yet and even computer centers were like minimum 30 mins travel from home and expensive. So no I was not computer savvy as my Engg was non CS as my only access to computer was the 3 hours I spent for 1 month learning Oracle and SQL.

After writing about the life there , the US Universities and other details to my questions etc she wrote,
“please get a email address dear so I can communicate directly with you .”

And then it triggers you what it was , what it is now , for in this daily life that I live by where I tell myself the world has moved ahead and I’ve kind of stayed back and such nonsense I realized not really, not at all.
When the world moves even if we stay still we would have moved its in our mind that we really get stuck.
Who would’ve thought then that in just 5 years or so I would start a blog and then 5 years down the line stop writing there much as the world would move to non stop communication in every sphere of life.Friends Politics ,Medical, Arts, Literature ,Trolling, celebrities open to public and the whole mess of it .

The letter had a line about the wide roads/ infrastructure of US and now you look back how much in just a few decades
we take that for granted in India too I mean in the cities at least.How much the US was the land of dreams for that generation and now its just another stop for so many.
And the still preserved birthday gift then was a full printed cricinfo profile + stats of Sachin and Rahul Dravid .

Oh gosh I’ve had good times ,I tell myself , however small . I wasted a hell load of time and potential according to many and now even I feel convinced may be I did indeed but then it’s these look backs that remind me of this quote

“Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” – Bertrand Russell

Read Full Post »

Coming Out ….?

No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become.
No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell.
There are no maps of the change. You just come out the other side. Or you don’t.
Stephen King
And so I write again ,

for I looked at my blog , my older posts here and not here

and I was in a sense of wonder yesterday night.
Was it me that wrote these so passionate about the life’s trivialities ?
And then I realize how life’s been playing the part and well what I have become.
I did wish to write it out believing that old adage of flushing out the pain
in words but never did it work, could not just work myself up to put it words.
But today morning in Pinterest when I come across this quote I told myself may be I am coming out on the other side.

I cannot write on it – what was that blue section from 2012 to well ongoing exactly -its hazy and its all in the mind
– the fears, the pain , the regrets , the way life overwhelmed me.
They reside still in mind refuse to be tamed and I do fear I may never come out

and even if I do its on the other side.

From someone agnostic I have tend towards the beleivers , never was against it but its become more pronounced .
From someone who accorded ones own initiative a fair share for success I tend to lean more on fate’s wily ways
Its not a side I was ever against but its not a side I believed I would be on

I have walked onto that path by choice only that there was no map and I ended here.

Its not that I feel wrong just that it defeated my worldview bringing me to a point where I

Amazed at my own past self , sad at what I seem to have lost
but then I guess in the end everyone is the same

“Everyone who has something is afraid of losing it, and people with nothing are worried they’ll forever have nothing. Everyone is the same.” – Murakami

Everyone is same

Read Full Post »

A quick jotting

Somehow was feeling this has been an immensely depressing year. There hasnt been anything good for ages in life but this year it has been like the end of hope.
I was thinking about forcing a change , taking risks and all that and this crossed my mind – Sounds stupid but well !!
To take a risk and jump off too you need a cliff
What can you do in a vast desert – beyond giving up and hoping to die
OR keep dragging yourself on hoping fate lands you at an oasis out of the blue.
But yeah its again onto fate …..What can you do in when all you have is shapeless pointless and endless sand ?
Well as I post this I thought again – May be stare at the blue sky and be delusional that there’s water – all you need is to stare up

Read Full Post »

On being moved to appreciate trivialities

Usually quotes come to mind as I write some thoughts but when I started to write this post after much laziness preventing any writing I could not much recall any that fitted the exact thoughts in my minds which triggered me to post this until I found this.

“To praise the sun is to praise your own eyes.” – Jalal ad-Din Rumi

And so you could say for anyone who can really praise anything while not directly involved with it.
While human craving for appreciation is so well known what we do not realize is how few can truly appreciate.
I do not mean the appreciation mailers really I blogged on but more like enjoying something irrelevant really enough to appreciate – not because it is a success or because everyone loves it -But really be able to be touched by something small thats well ignored in general.
May be I am confusing it with many things I think in this respect so lets go to the background that framed the thought.

Someone from our team was leaving – well to build the character first
– the chap can be exasperating in his questioning which is where we started off when he came new
– argumentative when he knows something and absolutely I care a damn about authorities.
He kind of had a reputation for being a confuser – in which I played a good part due to the way he confused me too – but more
esp as somehow his communication style made life worse for him.
But then with time I really could see the passion with which he worked on what he liked even when no one cared and I seriously appreciate that.
One of the downsides of having a policy at work where its like do what you want , how you want as long as what we want is working is no one out there differentiates between how well optimally or precisely someone got it to work.
No one appreciates the finer backend stuff .
So well time went on – we had new manager , new leads and now this guy was leaving and so he arranged a knowledge transfer of his work. There were just two of us me and a new senior lead who was now picking up most of the work writing code and he walked us through – at the end the senior chap just said to me – “he has written it so well”
Something I always knew and saw but there was nothing I could say as in the end its all about what is accepted as working
– in which we had less success
This new senior guy is also a very hard working chap and has made a success out of things so well that stands out. What no one sees is – he writes things to work for that moment – his success is due to his heroic efforts – which in future would be hard to handle by others – unlike someone who wrote it more well neat with a thought for ease and longevity.

But I thought at least this guy had the eye to see the good work – something the so called managers pre-occupied with making ppts dont. And so that incident and another below brought me this whole thought of how
– can we appreciate and – what we appreciate tells so much about us.

My father is one of those persons about whom one of the advertisements jokes – “tab tho un dinon street light ke paas kaafi bheed rahi hogi” (it must’ve been really busy with so many people under the street light)- Yeah he too says I studied there .

Nevertheless he was viewing the new 5 star add where two guys sat on a wooden horse thing and well he said “what crap is this . They pay lakhs for this nonsense” . Well I thought – Ok he’s off on his usual rant – but then he remembered a ad and appreciated it – a rarity and that would tell so much about him – its not a enjoyable or fun ad but he appreciated it.
“He said that add where a kid takes a wire and makes something like tongs for his mother – how nice that concept was” – It was for Havell’s fire proof cables
The fact is my father is one of those people who loves making things out of such crap which exasperates us no end as this pretty much means nothing in the house can be thrown out – everything could be useful in some way !! . Yup oyr house is full of old wires being used for clothesline – broken shoe heels can be fashioned into door stoppers and what not 😦
And so I realised that was why that ad touched him and he liked it .
Just as someone who loves to code appreciates a good code.

Indeed to praise the sun is praising your own eyes – your own love for the light & warmth it bestows

Read Full Post »

few thoughts on an unplanned holy visit

It wasn’t a trip I planned nor would I have.A trip to holy places is never on my agenda. No its not because of my aversion to stringent religiousness . It is more because of what it does to me.
Every time I visit those pilgrimage spot strangely it happens to be some special day when crowds throng more than usual . And then in those crowds I do not see God. I see the lack of what they call God. Yeah I know its all about perception.
I do start out hoping as people say that in places like haridwar etc you find peace , are touched by divinity of the place and so on. And then you get rushed up in trains pushed as you walk through to the aarti, misguided by locals , of the fake ritualistic talk by pilgrims and the whole milling population around does not arouse any divine feeling. It depresses me no end.
The chilled water does bring some peace if you manage to sit calmly at the ghats but every time you see people you see all that is wrong at least what I feel wrong played on like a exhibit repeatedly.
You see the dirt and plastic in the water and then someone calls it holiest of the holy
– its hard to be blind and its worse to see so many being willfully blind.
I would love to be an atheist & some do brand me one but then unfortunately such certainty never sat well with me . I’ve always been the lost agnostic & have reconciled myself that I will stay the same in this lifetime.

The river had its beauty & held its own as you gazed at it late in the moonlight but whenever I saw people in and around it it lost that mysticism. And if you stray away from the river well that was it – I found nothing much in the air whatever they say.

And then there was this quick drive to Mussoorie with a terrible driver who simply refused to take us anywhere & so all we had was a drive up the hills & a walk on the road & a garden.

All I stared at was the trees . Huge tall trees have a way of holding me breathless and making me recall the quote
“Trees are earth’s ode to heaven”

Then tried recalling all my Ruskin Bond stories & the pine trees and was lost in that.
Then there was our very young lil friend all lost worrying about all & sundry in the world & future – reminding me of my myself a decade ago and this quote
“It is an illusion that youth is happy,
an illusion of those who have lost it.”

Innocence is so rare in people though these days that even a semblance of it brings such joyful laughter .Almost poetic.
But then life is on firmer ground -along with us was a family from a small town & the lady and her actions reminded me why ekta kapoors serials work. Throughout the trip there was her frustration with a “devil may care attitude” cool husband while she tagged along with a really troublesome boy & a calm quiet girl child. And everytime she was teased about her angry demeanor with her husband she justified it with her own deep insights on marriage – of how they were not fighting – love is all about differences & adjustment & fights are not really fights. That there can never be a person with whom all your thoughts gel & would be perfect.
The words seems true taken verbally – so logical but its the vibe that gives it all away . She rambles on all the while acting oblivious to the fact that her every word showed her frustration with life & how it had depressed her to no end . Her talk of how her aspirations were stifled and what a brilliant teacher she was – and how despite being someone who handed out corporal punishment at college she was oh so liked…you despise them when you hear them at times & then you think & feel so much pity & you end up in despair deciding on your own emotion.

Then there was the family we visited – for all our talk about all the baba’s agitation & its politics we saw how people believed in them. Some blindly and some with their own twisted logic but one could see the dedication – the need most people have deep within for order & discipline & faith as else they feel lost – and how its exploited.
Then you feel your own hypocrisy at times …whatever we thought we never argued for we do not offend our hosts by cold logic .
Would want to write more but its all so fuzzy somehow.

p.s: the nuggets you listen in train from villagers
“I dont know why they force kids to go to school – its ok for city kids as schools are nearby
but think of the village kids – they spend 3 to 4 hrs travelling – whats the point ?? ”
Ah the illusions one India has of another are so bewildering

Read Full Post »

Another Year

Whats a year but a number when life seems to be almost in slumber.
2010 drifted really in a nothingness sort of way for me

Have been in a strange mood since December. Dont feel like reading much.
Dont feel like writing too.
Thoughts come to mind but there is a tendency to just lie still and not jot them.
Hope 2011 lets me get over all that and we come to a grand end as predicted the following year.

Sounding too morose this post for a new year?
Well here’s a lovely song that makes me feel hugely better
always with lovely lyrics as usual by gulzar

ek subah ek mod par

P.S: This post was made just hoping that I try to post more or rather something better than what I did in 2010
And just as I am planning to click publish I remember its a new decade too. Ok so next post may be a decade recap ? Let see

Read Full Post »

Quite Robotic !!

To state it simply it was a hugely underwhelming experience.
The hype , the praise surrounding Robot – I was prepared to be slightly dissapointed but really to be bored in a Rajni movie
– not expected and yet for most part I was bored.

It just meanders on , it tries to touch on high brow issues here and there no doubt about science and humans
and social effects but really just a scratch on surface.
For most part it just streches on. One movie whose success is beyond me.
As for Aishwarya she is so perfect for Robot.Such a beautiful Robotess??
In that song where in a scene multiple clones of Aishwarya came on screen I just thought what the heck is the movie all about.
If chitti likes Sana then the scientist shouldve made another Robot for Chitti just like Sana and let the matter rest.
Or the Robot who cloned himself all over shouldve made one like Sana who really likes him and program non cheating (but bugs will exist in code as always!!)

I do not dislike it – Its just boring. In fact of all mass heroes Rajnikanth is the most entertaining with whatever his patented stylishness is and yet this so boring a movie.
Crazy fans I understand – but even for them there is not a single rajni punch line or anything for mass hysteria seriously.

Oh Yeah technical brilliance appreciation is deserved – yeah for folks who never watched beyond Indian movies yes brilliant
– but anyone who saw other stuff wont find this mind blowing.
Yes this cost less was done at on etenth the price of Hollywood – so the director and technicians did a feat ,
admirable take nothing away from them – but the movie was enjoyable – how ??

The technical appreciation for an admirable work by an Indian while completely deserved , me being cruel thinking
reminded me of lalit Bhanot’s amazing comment during CWG. “Our standards are different than yours”

The movie lacked heart or emotional touch somehow for me – and since I am not a great technical effects fan I guess thats the core issue.Even in movies like Matrix I loved the subtext the emotional conflicts and the whole discussion etc rather than the high quality stunts and whatever.

But technical eye feast if thats to be talked of not in strict technical terms – of the few movies I’ve seen I just
have to say “Lord of the Rings” – I just love the whole setting and the extravagant setup.
There’s a joy in every character human or robotic .
I was terrified and disliked the Gollum creature hugely – but saw a forum where a lady found him cute – Hmmm.

P.S: Since the post was about a underwhelming experience I will just post a unrelated link from CWG which was a overwhelming experience.I am no athletics fan nor ever watch it but was led to it by a link and was wowed by it.Girls with no support whasoever and such odds and the video seems just like a thriller in a movie.

Read Full Post »

first err in haste and then rant in blogposts

Its one of the hardest things to do – to accept that mistakes inevitably happen ,
whether due to luck or pressure ,rush or whatever.
Unlike others who find it hard owning up to one I very easily can own up when I see one ,
but to accept it to myself that I overlooked something , it is very hard.

I try , but its hard till I manage to get some sleep over it.
Its till I do that well enough , I find it tortures me .

And then when people tell you , its ok its ok – its hard not to try to
figure out who says that as a smirk and who means it genuinely.

This was a week I felt after a long time felt that whole elements were simply against me.
It felt like a huge conspirarcy of fate , nature and what not and I slipped up .

Murphy’s law took its course and everything that could go wrong did go wrong.

I just hope it ends here and does not carry through to the next month.
reminded me of a sysadmin to whom once I said after our whole servers crashed
” Oh that VM is fine , well then the worst is behind us”
To which I was replied

“Never say that –, The worst is never behind us,
it is always ahead of us , waiting for us to slip up and then catch us ” or something like that
Even on messenger it seemed ominous then.

In hindsight , such errors keep you grounded , may be .
Trying to look at the bright part of it.
I erred , when many believed in me.So yeah they will cross check now but
had I committed something similar before that belief set in ,
I guess like some others I would have been typecasted too.

But neverthless right now I typecast myself as a hopeless freak and nervous wreck who mulls over
things like a wrong version install to write rant posts like this.

P.S: The movie “I hate love stories” may be just one more has been movie for me, – I watched it on CD so offhandedly and with not much time spent on TV I never listened to the songs actually.
And then I listen to the Sadka song from it while shopping at a mall for nearly an hour , it kind of grew on me as I was there and now its been looping for the last two weeks on my media player. Love the song.

Read Full Post »

Random Rambles

This should actually be a seperate post. RGV deserves that but I am too lost in my worries (I add my saga to the end),and he put across a opinion which sort of merged into my thoughts I mix it up here.
Ram Gopal varma – have known quite a few fanatics of his. Have seen some of his movies which are too good and some too hilarious.
Seriously Thank god I watched Daud in TV. In theater I dont know how I could have managed.
The music of Dauuuuud… itself felt so hilarious.
But this isnt about his movies really. I did not like him much as a person as his visions seem like he’s still stuck in some crazy
curiosity associated with teenage boys – his potrayal of his leading ladies/his horror fixation.

But I dont know waiting at which place I flipped through which magazine/news wherein I read a interview of his where he said something like this
” If I need to think why would I go to a woman. I would open a book”
Now its not a comment that makes any woman happy , but the guy I thought was being quite honest and I admired that then and that thought stayed with me . Till I saw this tweet by him and again thought.
Well all said and done he just put honestly a very uncomfortable truth.
“The biggest lie is that hard work pays nd ths is mainly propogated by smart non workers who live off the stupid hard workers”

The thought and some other stuff and my life’s bad twists got me started off on reading “fooled by randomness”.
The goings slow but will post on that later.
So well its been terrible time .Its like something which was nothing has snowballed into horrid stuff.

Its actually not as horrible if only , if only I could develop that Take It easy policy.Its a hard hard bargain.Easy to say but tough to live upto .But some of the most idiotic people have that attitude and thats what carries them through.
Actually all managers Ive seen who really want to see you move up gave one simple advice – dont worry about people’s grumbles and mumbles .
I find it unlike others easier to implement it in life – but hard when it relates to work.

I once had a flare up with a team member regarding some work assigned and he mumbled something I got into the – lets clear this up mode and my manager calls me up and explains – come on its ok just ignore.

Similarly a friend who was sort of upset about being labelled too aggressive by a set of people who did not like being questioned
about timelines (esp by a lady)spoke to her senior manager who just smiled and re-iterated the same advice.
Ignore it – its part of the job.
(Heard of someone who happen to know by grapevine as a very bindaas – “I wont work” kind of cool person and
he got into IT’s most hallowed places.You could see the pain it causes to the people
who really passionately go about work. But well as they say high up there what you need is a bindaas take it easy person.
You cant go crazy everytime something crashes. But yeah that news sort of made me feel think a trifle
less of the only company I ever admired(I am not a great fan of big organizations , though been with few and still am).
I always thought – oh what could I do there – (its for the hot shot developers and ultra smart genius game changers and what not – but well times change or our perspectives change)

Now this is all very nice if you have the support – but its a bit hard to take when you are on your own.

Added to that many women simply are worriers – I admit that and give up , we worry way too much.I know it yet its hard to change. Also you think you are cool and over most stuff by now and still at the crunch you just have that pent up emotion.

I have like a soap opera in my head running continuosly – if this is said , this is to be answered . If that then this and what not.
I am never a self help book person – I actually feel beyond help to speak the truth.
but one book I had once bookmarked to check someday was “Women Who Think Too Much: How to Break Free of Overthinking and Reclaim Your Life”

My greatest problem despite all the wonderful advice I have read and know is still the same.
You see a email, you are infuriated , reply reply now.

Forget fury – In any case I have a terrible habit with email – I need to reply and be done with them.
No other way I seem to be at peace.
A huge disadvantage well wishers have advised.
The best successful people are those who as the quote says.
“I love work. I can stare at it for hours”

So I spoiled a whole day in fury , being upset and what not and ringing up people up north and down south to
get a handle on my nerves and stop behaving like the idiot that I inherently seem to be.

I mean what are you supposed to answer when someone arrogantly (OK I exaggerate that chilling calm voice is what I take as arrogance)states as a benefit of working in this place for over 2 years
“Where did you work previously (i.e its some small mid sized place)- here youve worked on blah blah – a big blah”
And I react
” Oh yeah So what ?? the next blah product you ask me to look at – well the manager there will also say
– I gave you the big chance on this blah , Did you ever work on this kind of blah”

I forgot – I forgot big time – that managers are also human beings
and human beings have egos
and a human being who happens to be a manager and Indian usually tends to have a big big ego.
Add to it the calm ones who are polished and nurse the hurts like a wound which does not augur well for little people like me.

And then just when I was trying to soothe myself from all the woes being visited upon me – I had a surprise situation.
A complete blackout. No power no transport and absolutely locked up for a day away from all this.

I thought I would gain some perspective , but I seem to have lost it, dont know why.
I actually have self diagnosed myself as having a problem of inertia.
When I work on onething I find it hard to leave it and do something else.Even if its not my job – even if its not worth from a payoff
perspective. If I find it good enough to get it started I kind of persist on it.
Similarly When I dont work and veer off to movies and books , work seems like a necessary evil and hard to get started on.
This extends to many other things which includes like not looking for a change.
But fortunately or unfortunately – strange circumstances happen – which finally get me moving every couple of the years.
Seems the next cycle has started.

Anyways its great to listen to stuff you pretty much know and actually might have said to them once from friends.
It reaffirms the whole thing again and makes us feel good.Same stuff we repeat to each other when times are bad , but it does help.
Like one freind told me a such stuff – to calm my mood – part of which I sort had once told her in different words though.Nothing new.
“See if I hire a servant from a village, and she looks after my in laws fine and is very helpful to guests but I dont seem to be
her priority I will still complain right. So it happens let it go.”
Then she added her hubby’s wise statements to it.(Ok I let it pass that he’s a manager)
See if your existing servant whom you started off asks for a 30% hike you scowl. She leaves – you hire a new one at 50%.
And those are the facts of the world we live in.”

Actually I previously had a co-worker who for all his faults had a great sense of humor.
He once remarked women are perfect for QA – they have inherent qualities for it.
i.e they find find faults with everything and anything – Nothing seems satisfying enough.

The verdict though has been clean and clear from pretty much my close friends I know.
“You think way too much – what is there to think so much about trying for alternative job.
First try and then you can think – and dont over- react as if your job is in jeopardy (they know the whole issue is simply which
manager gets to suffer me now that I am angry)
You are one hell of a coward deep inside when it comes to yourself – in initiating the change”

Yeah I find it hard to disagree, – but I have my reasons
and at this point they say thats the hard part
“your reasoning is totally flawed but hard to argue with you” –
So I start being a little courageous for myself. After all

“Courage is the fear of being thought a coward. ~Horace Smith”

Read Full Post »

And some work related nuisance

This isn’t the first time and it wont be the last but I have my days when I properly turn
upside down all that I work for like a petulant child.
When I rarely used to draw something years ago I had this inbuilt , sketch my favorite rose very nicely and
then scratch it all over or in my best mood draw window rails all over it.
This post is just a rant , a record I am just posting – to look back how I never seem to grow up.

I just did not like it what was happening at my workplace.
I am countless times told , oh you are appreciated – Good job what not but at the end of the day I have nothing to show for it.
But well that’s a normal thing in corporate offices .

What bugged me was the reason for this was that this was because I was in the middle of a power struggle of
two or may be unknown to me three managers.

No one wants to fight and further a cause which does not benefit them directly.
The one who is benefited is not in a position to further my cause directly.
And thus I end up sidelined.Well this is all again usual I guess.

What I do at such times is my very own style of stupidity.
Most people would simply go out look for a change and slam it in the face of such employers or
look at some brighter side in their life and trudge on in the same way.
I just go and talk nonsense and then feel hugely relieved about it.

After working from the scratch on something for 2 years because I was angry at this whole scenario
I just walkin and say I want to move out to some other department, and well they are thrilled about my asking for a move ,
but not from the whole department – we have so much in here… and so on and I talk back even more ridiculosuly – or may be not.

Ok do you want to do some development work ?

What dev after 6 yrs of QA – no I dont want to be your average developer.

Ok we have some work on blah blah…would you like to explore
No I dont want to do any exploration work at all .

Would you want to do the set up …
No i dont want to set up anything anymore did fair enough of that

So your interest area in performance end would you want something on that.
No you product is too complex so they dont use tools and
do it like …… I dont want that.
I did not want to mean that I did not like complex products but I guess they took it like that as it suited them

Ok so you want some new challenge
No i want what I am good at – no challenges anymore Ive taken enough

I did just some similar odd angry talkback like this some 3+ years back for moving out of a module – that I literally owned and was indirectly told to be the lead.

This process seems to keep me perennially stuck up at the same point in my career and well I have my moment of regrets
when I look back at my peers and all.

But they are just moments, they pass too quickly and after a good nights sleep I have to recall what the whole fuss was all about.
It just some well meaning friends who actually do the rub in or scratch the painful reminders.

For now I am like very chilled out.
See the best thing about all my outburst is I’ve practically announced – no longer rely on me,
and they know they havent much to offer unto me.

So while I did screw up my long term career prospects my short term mood prospects are so better.

But I console myself with that wonderful line

“In the long term we are all dead” – I am absolutely rooting for 2012 end of the world – ok at least for me.

P.S:one thing Ive learnt is we Indians are so conscious about who’s the boss – always.
Everyone goes around saying we should not be taking orders from the US people when the whole workforce is here – we do the real
work and what not,but what no one says openly is while they can still swallow some US chap ordering them around in India – nothing embitters people as much as an Indian in US ordering them around .
I wish I just said that one line too. But then I know both sides are pretty much the same so I am glad at heart I managed pretty well.
So lets see how things work out from here.
P.P.S: Few months back when things weren’t as bad in life as they are now I and my sister had shortlisted two places to may be visit
if we could save up.Thailand / Leh.
Thailand had the political unrest.Leh now has that cloudburst
It means nothing really and yet I feel so cursed even in my thoughts.

Read Full Post »

Some reading —

I somehow had on the twitter two articles sometime last month on the same day that left an
immensely bad taste and worse mood .
Now one usually does glance out at much crap like this first article and dismiss it as a hopeless insane person.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/07/08/sharron-angles-advice-for_n_639294.html

Which is what I almost did except that the crap line in support of God
” Much good can come from a horrific situation like that, Angle added.
Lemons can be made into lemonade. ” and “God’s plan.” sort of stayed with me
and the usual stuff of bad karma that gets associated with such stuff.

Then as I coincidenatlly read another link that I came across and I almost had a very vicious argument in my head against such crap.

Now this is a very long article on a very sad situation and while it is in general about the post war stuff in Rwanda , the difficulty of reconciling with people who are the prime cause of torture can be a personal thing too in many cases.
There was something esp understanding I felt about so many people being dismissive of physical torure

http://www.guernicamag.com/features/1853/linfield_7_1_10/

I dont want to write much on that and the article is amazingly painful in general.
But since I happened to read the previous nonsense when I read this I wanted to ask that horrible stupid woman
(and they say education makes people better)- look at this about Rwanada.
Now what good is to come of this.
Did God have a plan – how can he make such a plan and be God?
Half a million people had bad karma?
“It says but Human Rights Watch estimates that up to half a million women were raped. Seventy percent of those who survived are HIV-positive, according to UNICEF, and it is thought that ten thousand to twenty-five thousand children were born of these rapes. Their mothers are often ostracized by their communities and live, therefore, in marginalization and immiseration (some have been forced to turn to prostitution); the children are reviled by other Tutsis as “children of bad memories,” “children of hate,” or “little killers.”

I am quite agnostic and dont like to get at all into personal relegious discussions but when such crap is
mentioned by people aspiring to be leaders(forget the fact that she is from US – we will happily have our equivalents ) it seems sick.
I am sure they will justify it by some plan of God surely.
The article touches upon the effects of torture – in the Nazi context in a very moving way – we seem to have these days built this highbrow stuff about soul and heart and all but forget that most normal people cannot think of that – when the body is in painfully tortured – that torture sort of can define their soul.
Améry learned, too, that all those aspects of his character that he had considered central and unique would quickly vanish, leaving only one irrefutable reality: the body in pain. “The tortured person never ceases to be amazed that all those things one may… call his soul, or his mind, or his consciousness, or his identity, are destroyed when there is that cracking and splintering in the shoulder joints… Only through torture did he learn that a living person can be transformed so thoroughly into flesh.” The destruction of the autonomous self—a destruction that, if he survives, will continue to haunt the victim—makes torture “the most horrible event a human being can retain within himself.”

The tortured person loses what Améry called “trust in the world”: a belief in the social contract, a belief that the boundaries of the body will be respected, a belief that the world wants to share itself with you. Trust in the world means that you, too, are entitled to a minimal safety and a minimal life: though the world might not shower you with happiness, it will at least defend your right to exist. The loss of that trust, Améry argued, is a kind of mutilation. That is why “whoever was tortured, stays tortured… It was over for a while. It still is not over. Twenty-two years later I am still dangling.”

Read Full Post »

Ahem the Appreciation(Mails)

I had been on this thought since the last fortnight or so but finally in this rainy sleepless night have managed to key it in.
“Feeling appreciated is one of the most important needs that people have.
When you share with someone your appreciation and gratitude, they will not forget you. Appreciation will return to you many times.”
Steve Brunkhorst

Beautiful and True – If only it wasn’t developed into a fake art.

Appreciations or rather appreciation mails form one of the most important part and parcel of what we call our corporate jobs.
Oh well even government jobs have some appreciation I learnt, when I saw my father display some of his stuff.

Its the perfect alternative cited by the hallowed managers as what one must go after instead of materialistic compensation.
Even if for a moment you believe them you will only end up in disappointment with how much of all this is fake.
All I want to know is – if I have some one honest enough to let me in on the secret do they believe it themselves
and most importantly do they think that all their reportees are such blind fools not to see it through.

I guess at the core there are two kinds of appreciation mails – the original and the fake

The genuine and really heartfelt ones – rare from our managers in India, relatively easier to get from overseas customers/managers
Here while some are real nice and make you feel really appreciated ,some are a tad too
profuse and dramatic to the point of being embarassing at times.

Fakes as always have more variety unlike originals – so three very basic varieties

First are the obligatory ones sent – usually in response to one appreciation – its kind of like retweet on twitter

Someone from the top appreciates someone – and so they feel obligated to appreciate to appease the original top honcho
– Good job / Great job blah blah.
And they want us to believe they appreciate. Hell !!

Second are the compulsive appreciators. The ones who appreciate as a mean to appease themselves – something like
“I am on top I have the power to appreciate.”
So they send a good job – Wonderful and such one liners for every task by email

Last comes the calculated appreciations a hybrid of the above two
The ones with the right cc , with the right cut copy and paste .The ones which dont just feel fake, but in someway seem to
want to ensure its obvious the are fake – the mean art of appreciation.

Thought about it when we received a appreciation mail for some work from a Sr manager abroad in very simple
genuine almost handwritten letter kind of words.
Felt nice though,No big deal we felt ,apart from the fact that we had to do a
rarity in our project – work late till midnight for just a day.
The cc list was a bit too high up , I almost felt – why the heck.
And then a follow up mail a week later to it saying the customer too was very happy and we were like – uff let it be please.
Glad to hear and love that you appreciate.

And here it wouldve ended but for the fake drama that ensued.
First the clueless immediate manager wants to know – umm what was that for.

I reply back – I did blah blah …
A did mwha mwha ….

And then in half an hour it gets retweeted to another cc list as I said

Good job B for doing blah blah
Good Job A for mwha mwha . keep it up

Some say this is needed to spread the word. May be it is – So a Good Job with the Fwd will suffice ,
but when you start doing cut copy paste in such manner of my own words – back to me its a fake and makes me despise you for the fakeness.
This is why its probably better to go after materialistic compensation. At least the fakes there have some use till discovered as fakes.
And so it goes…

Its been a messy career move for me, the last one I did I guess. Quite unhappy here in every aspect.
Why do you need to ask for what you deserve??
I refuse to – not a great career plan , but what the heck !!
Its time for them to get what they deserve.
Ive got to move out of this comfort zone Ive gotten myself into. More on that later.

Read Full Post »

To Blog or not or whatabout

I myself have been brooding over why don’t I write a post for quite some time, but somehow I don’t get down to it.
Sometimes I feel I’ve vented a lot in here so I probably repeat myself and then sometimes it just feels too much to key in.
Then again I have gotten into that comfort zone of just reading all interesting links links in my Reader and twitter.
and finally Ive lost my inspiration i.e my frustration with people – ive developed a zen like calm with my solitary & hopeless & dreary
surroundings @home & @office
I think half my posts are my ranting against something – some happening , some thing said by someone or worst some movie and so this is what happens by following the zen calm or accepting what we lovingly call our karma.

You don’t even bother to rant and rave for or against things. And yet and yet so much of the stuff you see in the most busy section in a book shop – the motivational books hmmm – they preach the same thing.Accept and be happy or at peace or whatever.
Does that brings peace – now does it really?
I guess it fosters a habit of accepting less than the best .So borrowing management terminology while in short term it looks good – in the long run may be it will only end up in quite a opposite way.

And so what do I write about ??

My pet hate my office – Oh but what and who do I hate there. Almost everything and everyone is sort of absent there. I lead a very solitary and powerful professional team which is involved in something oh well – lemme put it better
The link leads to a paper presented in the field of my work . And the best way to describe my dilemma is presented in the small fable section there.
I just keep wondering who Am I there? Jerry Overworked,Kevin Shorttimer,Ahmed Hardluck
No No I sure am not Anita thankfully http://www.io.com/~wazmo/papers/seven_steps.html

I have a deep desire to forward the above stuff to all my managers(and I have a bad luck – I never seem to have one – its always multiple) with the above lines.

Movies – Oh but I never am any good at reviews which anyways are done way better by much better people all over the blogosphere. But I used to chatter about how I hated or enjoyed some. But Bollywood has been hugely disappointing whatever I managed to see.
You cant even dislike Kites – Seriously – you cant love it , you cant say what you hate it. Its more greek than spanish truly!!

Books – Ive been reading less books and more about books .
But still may be thats what I can write about.

But honestly I do wish I get myself to write somehow. Its just that life all around seems to be in a very heartbreak arena.
Half the world seems heartbroken or rather hell bent on breaking each others heart.
And then it just feels good to think you are heartless and thus hale before you realize – its too good to be true.
You are play acting exactly what you want to avoid facing.

Read Full Post »

A sudden bend in time

The last month and half if that could be a time frame was a sort of surprise , nothing I can write in here much of as I cant see them yet of any serious consequence for good or worse but yet it has changed so much or has it ?

I have been quite clueless about literally everything happening around me and so I just let it go on. Meeting people you thought have all but forgotten you and people you have sort of taken for granted dissapearing suddenly.People who you hope would stand up in life falling into ruts of such low that you don’t know if to hate life’s cruelties or hate the lack of spine in such people.

It has happned to me sort of earlier if not exactly but similarly. A sudden pattern wherein all the people in life just dissapear.Being not quite a social person this unnerves me in ways, despite the fact that these werent the most important people OR people I depended on .They were just people who sort of kept me ensconced in the world of my professional life which pretty much is my social life too.

Two friends moved suddenly to differnt cities for personal reasons and my teammate (against whom I do rant and rave here and yet we pretty much kept this strange team that we have going )left finally yesterday. We never agreed , we had differneces and yet we never let anyone else use that against us within/outside the team . So now suddenly its like I am stuck alone in one big mess. And in a few days another kid who used to be with us also is gonna leave. I sort of seem to be the last person standing in a old falling castle.

I wasnt sad , neither was I happy , just unnerved by a sudden vaccum in a not very nice world.Its like everyone I knew in my office is quitting and everyone I knew outside office has already quit this country.

I too want to move on but as usual its so many things fears , risks which hold you back especially now in such a uncertain world. And so it goes on for me like a never ending saga. I am at a very clueless point in my life. Things dont make sense either ways when I look at anything.

It reminded me of Kundera’s lines in that opening chapter of “The Unbearable lightness of being ” (posted previously here )discussing the idea of eternal return

We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.

There is no means of testing which decision is better, be­cause there is no basis for comparison. We live everything as it comes, without warning…..

And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself?

Read Full Post »

Idle thoughts as I laze in a year end break

Been long gone …. have been way way busy with work and stuff the past quarter so much – and that too when there isnt much light at the end of this tunnel I seem to have fallen into.
There’s something wrong with me – I always end up working for two bosses somehow wherever I start.
Also this year my evergreen time pass – my dear sister has finally moved to a far lil town so Im just all by myself and my work.
But nevertheless I took a break, a nice week off – no vacations nothing – just too many leaves going down the drain while Im horribly stressed with work did not feel good.
So here I am just sleeping way into noon and reading all over the place in my little room .
I picked up quite a few books, read up all my unread stuff in RSS on the net.
Watched some CD’s.Essentially nothing to write much of but some thoughts jotted here.

I cant even write about the books I picked up (it was fun as I splurged on them) as I’m like multi tasking among some amazing variety

– The God Delusion by Dawkins
– Think About these things by Krishnamurthy
– A Thing Beyond Forever by Novoneel Chakroborthy
– Mr Sampath by RK Narayan
– Sacred Games by Vikram Chandra

And then I have stuff I have yet to start

YajnaSeni –
Never let me go- kazuo ishiguro

But sometimes I hate the way my own reading degenerates into.I was reminded it a book fair , there were a bunch of girls picking books
Girl A was trying to pick Olivers Story – the sequel to the famous book Love Story by Erich Segal
Girl B said oh leave it yaar. Its boring -I will tell you the story. The guy meets another girl and then he still does not like her at the end leaves her too . Thats it and it was described in native language by her.

I guess thats a way of looking at it and age does have stuff to do with it I guess. When I read Olivers Story sometime ago I found it a bit brooding may be , but it was more emotional.It did not have the popular appealing eternal love of Love Story. It was about coming to terms with things, that some people just cannot get over things like others can.

As much as I am a fiction person with age I guess you like looking at other stuff .
I still love fiction but a pure dosage of that does not work well for me now , but I guess it never did fiction / non fiction.
That is why I pick up such bestsellers like A Thing Beyond Forever by Novoneel Chakroborthy. It reminds you of all sugary stuff you liked at times and now it isnt bad but has a tendency of getting to you .
But thankfully I am not yet that old to dislike them and start loving the self improvement books.
Gimme a story any day – soppy sugary or spicy.
If anything this year I started reading some science fiction. Started with Asimov’s magic and though havent read much of other I absolutely loved his essays in it. Absolutely – the way he distinguishes Magic and Science fiction and all that.

As for now Richard Dawkins is working hard through his ” The God Delusion ” trying to convert me from agnostic to atheist.
Whether he succeeds or not I absolutely love the arguments – and may be I should read the Origin of the species. Usually I dont really care.
I mean well wherever we came from we are here and thats the thing isnt’t it.
Why is it always such a big deal always about – ” where we came from ” and ” where we are going to ” I find it hard to get, but I try hmm.
I guess its because ” where we are now” seems perenially boring so we let our imagination come into play and without any drugs the best place to imagine is always the past or the future.

I then had to clean up all my finance stuff. I mean when I got my first job I wanted to save and yet there was no google no information like we have today , but I wanted to invest and the simplest was Mutual Funds, and just like a stupid newbie I bought all over the place – itsy bitsy penny money in some 10 funds. It was exasperating to consolidate them now and strained me on my holiday.
One article I loved when reading up old stuff online was this
http://www.crossingwallstreet.com/archives/2009/03/why_do_people_m.html

I may have lost good amount of savings in the market and may never be a pro in that field and make money but tell you what
I like the markets .If only I had enough money to lose in there .Sigh !! I know it sounds more like hoping for money to gamble – but it is fun.
A part of it is explained in that article. It should be read even if you know nothing about the markets.
It will explain why CNBC flourishes with its perenially wrong forecasters – It not not just cute Udayan and Shirin.

” The dirty secret is that stock market forecasts are fun.
It’s odd that people ignore this basic insight. Markets are a lot of fun. Sure, every serious person is seriously concerned over market forecasts because they’re not serious. Still, people do it anyway. Why? It’s damn fun.
………………
Finance is and has always been a game. I’ve noticed that over the past few years the look of ESPN and CNBC has become steadily similar. That’s not an accident. ………. Heck, the indexes are nothing but a scoreboard……………………………..

Of course it’s addictive because it’s fun. Trading or forecasts aren’t harming people. Investing and risk-taking is good for a society. Obviously people should know what they’re getting into”

The worst part of taking a home holiday is you still get tempted to open you office email and see all the pending work and list coming your way come Monday and it spoils the whole damn peaceful aimless lounging around.

Read Full Post »

Movies in Busy times: Love Aaj Kal etc ….

Last month I catched up on Movies finally.Two of them were terrible disasters I would say , the third though nothing great saved my day .

Love Aaj Kal is not a movie you would not call awesome in any way. Its good but its more pathbreaking than many will let out.
I mean see Shahrukh promoted this convincing parents theme and last minute – shaadi mandap interrupts and while it looked sweet then it really became unbearably irritating after a point.

So finally we have a movie wherein after watching umpteen Hindi Movies so that nothing in a movie is ever suspense Love Aaj Kal
has just that one moment of suspense and I am revealing it .
Saif asks Deepika ok so what is you status – so coolly- as if its like a facebook or Orkut Status.
So does she at the last minute chicken out of marriage to the other guy rahul Khanna ?
Oh no she does it better.Now I know why Imtiaz Ali chose Deepika the dumping queen .(YuvRaaj must be thanking his stars)

She gets married and next day when her husband is scanning through the honeymoon vouchers she gets her realization and the best thing is the cool way she says. “I have to talk to Jai now and if I feel he is the right person, I will say sorry to you later for all this” to her husband.
Now that it pathbreaking truly in Bollywood.

But apart from such stuff the movie is absolute new gen stuff and is likable though I’d say it could have been oh so better.

Jab We Met was such a simple common story which is like aired every week these days on TV and yet it has a timeless sweetness.I have seen Socha na Tha partly and that too is much sweeter.

Love Aaj Kal is not sweet, its kind of as practical as the lead characters , though the 60’s track love story looks sweet enough , you know its just rose tinted . The not so sweet story unfortunately is more true.There were a few couples who really danced at the theater at the end at Aahun Aahun. They kinda seemed cuter then many parts in the movie.

So while its a no no for puritans its quite fine for a watch.More so for the songs which Ive kinda taken to .
I just love the Chorbazaari number – its like ages since Ive listened to a song for over 3 days in a loop.

Things are bad enough at home and work ,
I got another of those classic emails about latecoming from my manager(the reason as usual though unlike from previous managers was cho chweet, “I dont want my people being tagged as habitual latecomers“) but Ive since long given up and can laugh
and hum
“Dekh ke mujhko hasta gaata sad gayi ye duniya sad gayi”

=================================================================================

Now a few lines on those disasters

– Kambhakt Ishq, Why oh why i went to the theater. The loudness the crassness and I dont know it felt terrible and since
thats a hit , you know why you hate most people around yourself and at time oneself too.

–Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

It ruins a perfect story perfectly. I mean I still recall how much I was thrilled and in suspense when i read this book
and posted this post on it.
This movie kind of is like a art movie, into which they put unnecsarry puppy love which in itself if done would have
been enjoyable. But its a joke and a waste of time.
I had hoped for some better stuff in the last part where they go to the cave to get the ring . That too was not thrilling enough.
Dumbledore death is like so hopelessly done that you do not even get it.Only nice thing was Malfoy’s character seemed better empathised and presented on screen, like its internal confusion etc.
The horcruxes are not explained and they leave the whole thing about Voldemort’s past which I thought was quite important and presentable on screen.I pity the people who never read the books and only watch the movies.

Read Full Post »

Scattered thoughts

Been wanting to write since long but somehow things just dont work out. I was just looking up 2008 and I wrote like 3 posts a month. 2009
seems to be starting off worse. It not the numbers , its just that so much is there and yet so much seems the same and so much seems
worthless to key in.

There’s a virtual disconnect with people most of the time. There is work and yet no work which leaves you satisfied about something useful
created however trivial(Thing is my temperament seems to need that ). Seems like just catering to the whims of one and all out there.Have been
trying very hard to be harmonius in  a work environment where things seem to be extremely sour beneath the surface.Though we do the usual
smiling routines the vibes are worse than when there used to be open fights in my previous office.
I am like a neutral point because I’ve become immune to much stuff and am unambitious enough to care to take offense.

I am not keen on moving much from this company now (ok flexi timings and easy work culture is a great turn on) but seems like I
will have to later if not sooner – if nothing else finances may force it.
Things are the usual pain at home, but the change that will occur this year with Dad retiring and coming back home is quite a challenge in itself.

My own hurts within seems to have numbed in life – having given up on most stupid ideologies. I hardly seem to be bothered about much except health and wealth which still constitute worries.
What still bothers me is the pain I see around me-( oh no not I’m not that great now to talk about our worlds’s poverty and the heartless
villians). It just everyday people like me. I still see how we hurt each other , sometimes knowingly , sometimes wantingly and many a time
with no reason whatsoever on the surface and I still get disturbed by it.

Circumstances make us be friendly with people we despise and cold shoulder people you care for, so many times.
And I see how warm people turn heartless with circumstances and it makes you feel  all the more cynical.

A girl asked me about the scope of a job position in R&D in a electronics company and I said I dont know much , it all depends on so many things.

But what I wanted to say was that , we’ve entered the era of Insecurities.
No job , No life , No relation is secure, If one can depend on anything (to an extent that too) – its just oneself.
Everything in the world seems so fragile and evanescent.

I had so many things on my mind all through the last month and yet I’ve lost the ability to put them coherently somehow.
Reminded me again of Evening Solace.
Poetry is sometimes such a solace compared to a story which means a world at times.

Read Full Post »

To hell with All – Just Kidding

Had a real bad day yesterday capping a bad week.Nothing new , just scraping up of old wounds, but Ive lost it and just blew it up.
I just cannot put it up any longer and its these jokes and the “Just Kidding” people who frankly inspire violence in me.
In the workplace you have to be cordial to one and all ,in the name of collaboration, and at home too you get hammered on the virtues of settling down with whatever and wherever so you find some more people to be cordial to. After all we wont last forever is the lament.
And gosh what is it that I earn given all my insecurities (even freshers get paid almost the same
these days for their freshness value, its so  low brow),  but I live among the great new Indian middle class and hence seems almost everyone is after me – only person right now living the high brow IT dream(though deep down they have their doubts , how come she’s still never gone abroad.All companies send s/w engg abroad).
Of course they are just KIDDING.
What is money , after all did they not spend so much on me – i.e buying their favorite things for me .
When i proclaim that  let me live my life in peace for the few years I may live, I aks nothing from anyone – my very own who are the epitome of optimism ,and still beleive in doing or in fact planning everything in the next decade rather than now – question me ,
 “If you have no such belief in tommorow what is it that you do with your money, where and why are you stashing it “.
This from a set of people who never know or care where they blew up all they earned in three decades – to me who’s earning since just last five years.
I used to walk 3 km to save Rs 5 on my Internet expenses because the way I was handed out pennies I hated asking(now the story is we gave what you asked),
I was shut up on one occasion too many saying that I could not earn a penny so I better behave and now I am told ,
you take every little thing to heart, it was just SMALL things.
If we take what you say seriously what will it be like ? is what i am told.
Hmm well yeah – WHY DO YOU NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY IS ALL I SAY AND THINK.

Someone in the family buys a car and the whole gang and their well wishers who visit believes since I earn enough and have a plan anyways I should buy a car – take a loan.
I blow up about taking loans and I am advised and rebuked – come on its not like you were paying it off immediately or buying it,
 just smile and say OK and forget it. Its just their way of joking and talking.
“It is your mistake surely – you are being touchy , they just expressed their know how and opinion”(uncalled for is what i can say)
Oh yeah I am being touchy.I am bloody hell am.
At the workplace people who happily had all the fun – onsite jobs , parties and a lavish lifestyle now say well we don’t own a house.
 Look at you- you are single have a house and what the hell do you do with your money ,
you even stay with your parents so hardly any expenditure.Come on give a treat…he he its ok JUST KIDDING.
Oh yeah I am being touchy and stupid and have lost all my patience with people.
Point is why associate with such a hopeless touchy person, more so when she wilfully stands out of your way.
The kind of violent emotion the whole drama inspired in me , makes me realize all said and done English is never the first language.
I cannot express that well enough just wish I could as easily blog in hindi/native language.
Then there’s grossness in people. R made such a cheap remark about S being no good, just because he hasn’t been helpful for her
 in her career plans,such gross spite made me re-evaluate my whole association with her.
I cant handle the raw gross cheap language used. Its nothing bad may be just raw emotion on her part,pure frustration like me
 but getting so badly personal about a person for a few career issues made me feel so very uneasy. And its not like they
stop at that – she expects you to either support her or the opposite person and giving reasons.
After such stress on diplomacy you get home and what awaits you is more of the same, this time more where it hurts.
All my loving ones and caring and always well wishing for me dearies all over my home and in the world 
can you please stop KIDDING with me.
I just was not born with the mood.
You just wish humanity be damned and then say Oh was JUST KIDDING

Read Full Post »

The Unsettling Conscience

The last temptation is the greatest treason: To do the right deed for the wrong reason. – T.S. Eliot

It been hard resisting that temptation.
Its so very easy for me to do that right thing –  like say be nice to people for they are nice to you.
I am naturally polite most of the time and can behave like quite a soft spoken person but to behave like that with people , for issues I do not believe in or I am not convinced about is being hard on me.

Happenings last week seem quite very simple on the surface but there is a feeling they will resonate in my head for quite sometime.
It was such a beautiful day today at home i felt somehow since the morning that i did not feel like writing much about the dismal things that are around  me.The day almost made me feel somewhere some good thing had happened. May be i woke up with some nice dream subconsciously, nothing else explained it. I felt so fine that i did nothing much except stare through my window onto the sunlight beaming all around.Its only after nightfall that I manage to write somehow.

Its quite easy being rude and cut people out its said but its really tough I feel esp for me if you are not convinced that these people have  no ill will towards me.It makes me feel queasy after i behave the way i do.

After ranting so much against my team mates in quite some previous posts due to their opinions and thinking , when i think it over charitably i feel a bit bad , simply because none of this whole charade is regarding me in particular.
I somehow end up in situations where people at least outwardly are rather nice to me. Too nice for my comfort frankly.

The hardest part of life right now is having a too sweet and a bit too friendly but absolutely unmoved by stuff kind of manager is – you dont know whom to really get at at times.
The culture in this wonderful place where nothing seems urgent or planned explicitly reminds me of that quote
“Take your life into your hands , and what happens? No one to blame“.

I try to maintain  my distance and try coming across as extremely ill mannered but ah i am quite disturbed with all this.
Like this incident when both of them invited me over to check out the houses they bought recently as they were going there and it was on the way for them to drop me at home.
I made the most pathetic excuses , to the extent of saying they should not even look forward to a cup of Tea I am such a bad host in general, but neverthless when i did ask them they just had a glass of water, but the thing is I feel bad being so unkind to people who for whatever reason are decent to me.
I just do it with some nice self deprecating wit  but still I dont like being that unhospitable.The issue is honestly its not a comfortable thought to think of fighting/arguing with a manager and team members who visit your home. That kind of status quo spoils things.It is actually being quite a learning curve for me.

It is quite an experience shifting from a services organization to a product based organization.
You miss the buzz and happenings and expectations that are part of being in any services software or otherwise.
Appreciations from the clients, the expectations (most common being the onsite stuff), the particularity of things, the careful drafting and revising of emails repeatedly befor hitting a send.
These are the very things you hated then and I stll remind myself of that instead of calling them sweet memories.
Here where i am its a perfect place for the innovators i guess OR the world weary – cool atmosphere , not much nonsense about etiquette and  relaxed attitudes which only get disturbed on news of firings for cost cuttings.
And here I am complaining I have nothing to look forward to.
I complained about the extreme pace of things then and now i fret  at the lethargy of things around me because i have seen things moving faster in every sense.
Why is quite such a big thing to have the balanced best of both worlds i quip….

Then there was another drama which left me all the more unsettled.
Some of my mother’s close but far off cousin sister turned up with her family.She’s a government servant , with a husband who is a lecturer  in a small town. Belonging to the educated but traditional kind of family they started the same charade that everyone does , but in a more polished and kinder way than say the more rustic relatives.

They see me after what some 20+ years and express their deep affection and keen desire to see me well settled and try talking as they say some sense into my head. I try every trick in my book dissapearing to the balcony , picking up a book and keeping silent saying that i hardly am much of a speaker.

But the lady seemed quite intent on forcing a  rountable conversation , with her hubby  my mom and sis included and would stop at none.
She thought I should stop at reading books, enough books by now. I have a job too , so thats enough.

Anyways the conversation veered off in all directions of my expectations , their experiences etc etc, with the lecturer ending up asking me , how much do i earn – a question i deliberately did not answer but was forced to quote a figure in a way only Indian relatives can.
In fact the man joked it off saying “Tell me – lets see how much i have earned after putting in all these years of service and how much you people earn.What is that you people do to get paid such. All these stress strain  things that people talk on these days.”

My essential problem is unlike others is with age i become more passionate when talking about what i believe in and have lost the patience that i seemed to have so easily as a child.I started pretty reluctantly due to this but when they seemed to be so insistent i gave them a piece of my mind.
“Its pretty simple. You as a lecturer can take classes of any quality as you like that is if kids attend firstly and get away with it, not something you can really do in our  case and so on as easily.
For you what you have  learnt in college is the end , here you just have to keep unlearning and relearning.”

The fact is there are so many misconceptions in half the people outside software about software industry.They just know software engineers = good money earning and scope and US chances.There is one set who thinks they are overpaid for jobs that even Xth standard people can do and the other half thinks just the opposite . I almost feel like cracking a bad joke that well because a highly educated person supresses his capabilities and does a Xth standard job he ought to be  paid more.

“Whatever happens no one employed now will lose jobs for next 20 years ” says this man and I tried to enlighten him about my friends who were given pink slips with 2 hrs of notice period.That the real money is hardly earned by an average software engineer but by businesses which were built to cater to them.That half of the rich lifestyle this set of people put on  is debt money in the shape of plastic cards.

Its really easy to snap such people out of your life i think and then realise , but for my family or may be my job i would never associate with such.
And as this continued , I was told that my expectations were all wrong I tried to make some fair arguments and my sister chipped in with some but for them all that i could talk of were trivial.

As per them
Finances should not be an issue(This from a person who in the previous conversation had said he never joined any of the universities as a professor because , it only means research and career growth and I want financial growth too for my family hence i stayed on as a college lecturer- which i though was a very honest decent answer.)
Lifestyle should not be an issue.
Differences in upbringing are not an issue.
Looks must never be an issue

Survival is the the word they spoke of (though i guess social conformity was what they meant at heart and should have been spelled it such ) and then  I really was worked up to a point that i was forced to be blunt that I survive decently if not well and any so called compromise of settling down should improve my quality of life rather than doing the opposite.

The conversation finally was ended up with a cheery smile that we both sisters spoke too well and know almost every line of argument, but you know from those polite faces that these things have resonances in people heads, like how the generation has changed, how the world is going to become and what not.

The thing is they were not bad people or one of those scheming / sermonizing relatives everyone has their share of – but they just belong to a  world I want to escape from.
They cannot see beyond what they are in ,as they find it safer and comfortable in there and I do not like what they show me from their perspective.I never like being so heartless to such people but I guess that seems to be destiny.

Anyway life goes on and at this point in life with over thirty years of being a nuisance in the
universe i can only quote from somewhere

“The years are forest paths
Where I’ve lost my way
Not even a sun-ray
To guide my wandering… ”

The best thing though in this rather unsettling week was my reading “India Unbound” by Gurucharan Das.
What a fine book , nothing earth shattering and yet so effective in presenting the country’s journey from pre independence and its dilemmas to this age and i will write a seperate post on it. Its core may be set about the economic ideologies that have changed but its touches a whole lot more splendidly.

Read Full Post »

My Daily Life of Morosity

There are calms before storms. I am not sure what storm awaits me but this is a depressing and extremely bad calm phase i am stuck in.
I have become irritated thinking about it, blogging about it and yet I have to live it through everyday.

Now i understand why Katherine Hepburn said “Enemies are so stimulating” and here i am stuck among a place i cant even make enemies.
This phase i fear is pulling me into being a hypocrite .
After all these years of  getting over my reluctance to interact much with people esp strangers, I am again at a point when i have started despising people.Well at least the ones that I get stuck with. And the way i act and suffer this I despise myself too.

The problem is this is my job , my sustenance. There are just five of us i deal with at work.
One is a technical lead and except in team meetings he can be ignored, one is a fresher with the cool attitude that since anyways you’ve gotta work a lifetime why bother so early getting into this mess and they have their gang to hang out which is just fine.

One is a manager and however cool they act its always the management and I am quite wary of that and I have yet not been proved wrong.
Thus remain two people. One is “Me” the morose serious argumentative and the other chap is the sugary , laughter packed  all knowing guiding angel to the new freshers.

I do not care who hogs the limelight and I have my share in different areas . Neither do i care how wonderfully they build social networks.In four months in this new company I know fourteen people may be in the company maximum and he knows a hundred may be.

How they bond so soon Such wonderfully or superficially I never get  and I frankly think thats great as thats how businesses work in the end.Only fault the few people see in him is may be his overt argumentativeness regarding the work which is pretty OK.

The problem is this is where I spend three fourths of my day and I share the cubicle with these.

Fair enough so what I do is come late and spend continuos hours at my desk finish my work and leave. No coffee breaks / no walks nothing. Those days are gone poor lady I tell myself.There are days when i have my lunch at desk to avoid them.This when they take so much care to include me being a lone teammate.
How cruel am I ?

Strange no one here would question if i dont show up for hours together and yet I am at my desk always and at my previous place it was vice versa.

This is why it was said in that wonderful book Shantaram “If fate does not make you laugh you just dont get the joke”

I can take being alone as I am someone who likes solitude.

It is the 1 minute conversations that punctuate my solitary life in my
office that irritate the hell out of me.

I might have brought this upon myself in ways and deeds unknown who knows.
I got friendly with probably just one woman named R here in this multitude, may be because she is the one who talks the most to strangers.
She gets people to talk and then gives advice which again is a common livable problem.
The reason is you can ignore it though when i keep saying hmm hmm to lot of stuff i dont beleive in I know this is my descent into hypocrisy.

The following is a very harsh description of someone who is known as the funny lovable guy who even in long US stint in his previous organization was loved by one and all as per him.

But I dont enjoy having him as a teammate such because while I myself can carry on quite a few superficial conversations when circumstances need, I never respect or like people who talk on and on for the heck of it and never stick to what they say and then when you start a decent
argument hide it in humor  and say things like
“I may say whatever just for fun but think twenty times before doing something”

But he happens to be my only co worker and hence I cant really put up the perfect go to hell kind of attitude.
The lady R from a different team is also quite talkative so she considers this chap one of those dil ka saaf nice guys and he is like meri didi didi types.

Understandable both people from a similar region(Cant avoid this in India).

Their views and worse me being the quiet participant with hmm hmm are playing havoc on my peace of mind.
Some conversations:

R: Oh that friend of mine , she is a tamilian
He: They are quite kanjoos na
R: No why , she always keeps getting stuff for me and is very nice
He: Oh then she must be nice
R: One should not say like this about everyone
He: why in my college down south the lecturer said in front of everyone, I hate Biharis and I stood up and asked why what is your problem and

he said you are an exception.
R: Well thats why they are driving them out in Mumbai
Me: Well its always like that one or two people spoil the name of a whole set.
He: True

The point here is this chap has no viewpoint or if he does he does not exactlt speak that. If you argue a bit he will hide behind that
facade Ok we all northies esp Biharis are bad Fine Ok.
Its such irritating though no one raises that point he brings it up.
=========================================

Now notice the heartfelt concern he has for people here and i am so cold blooded.

He: Yamini I am so upset what kind of place we have gotten into. here everyone is scared that if our
project succeeds they all may be jobless. It seems they feel only the Top performers will be kept and rest downsized.

Me:Well why are you bothered no one can help people who want to live taking this job as some government secure job.
And you and I have worked in service companies with much stringent work culture and if it comes to that for us we
can take it. So why worry?

He:    No I feel very bad this whole rating business you know like rating one person above the other,
to tell one person that you should be like him, he is good , you are incompetent is so bad.

Me:Well like it or not Bell curve kind of rating is a norm in all leading companies. If these people hoped that by default of an acquisition they had a secure job in a big company, its sad.

This conv was continued…as below

R: I do not like Ramji among gods and she goes on about his treatment of sita.Useless fellow leaves a expecting lady in forest.

Me; Same here I too dislike(though I am agnostic , I discuss Gods quite well and am not averse to the chat in general)

He: Well thats because you dont understand. Ram Bhagwan and even sita maiyya knew the happening even before it happened.
He did it for Rajhith (Good of the country) and because that was the vidhi(process or rather as prescribed socially).

R: Ah caught you , now this firing or rating too is exactly that for company hith(good). So why you complain.

He:Ab aap bhi naa(You are too much)

======================================

He: Ha ha you know what my resolution is? (Bubbling with enthu like a kid)
Me: Whatever
He: I wont drink tea.It has nicotine. I will eat only sattvic food(ya thats a new buzzword for chaps
like these who’ve had their fill of non  veg in the US and all over. Damn I’ve been a veggie by choice all my life and yet never complain a

word about non vegans or potray being a veggie as sattvic)

As i type this blog i remember i should have spoken about Hitlers’s sattvic food.

========================================

Some talk about marriage came up.
R: Guys parents have so much attitude and blah blah(theirs is a UP family so its that standard fare of dowry and ladki wale dar ke rehte types)
He: Aaj kal aisa kya hai , kuch nahi
R: Kuch nahi badla ladkiyon ke liye its the same still when it comes to ,marriage and guys have some much attitude
He: Haan to ladkiyon ka nahi hotha kya.(Dont girls have an attitude or what) Vo mera interview leti hai(“How dare she take my interview” referring to some marraige proposal of a gal i guess who
must ‘ve hurt the guys ego badly )

and so it goes on….

I almost had the Joker’s plasticated smile during this conversation and yet was so very irritated

Me: I will be on leave 2 days
He: Why
Me: I am going to abcd
He: That only takes 1 day
me; you are not my manager why you ask so many questions
He: why friends should not ask hmm
Me; Well if you were a friend you would ask why 2 days take 4 days
Guy; You know a true friend is not some one who agrees or goes by you all the time but question you.

Damn the banter. How i hate myself

Then finally this week I had the question I was expecting from my manager since the day I joined
“So no plans of marrying in near future”.
This is exactly why I dislike getting friendly\lunching with managers.

People are so irritating predictable.

Most of the above is done in quite amusing chatter but such an everyday life is being tortorous to me.
I have  to move out .
In every other aspect it seems like a calm relaxing job , I walk in at 11 no one questions, if I leave early not much questions asked.
In the end you know whatever you do the maximum difference it will make on you pay slip is at the maximum some 4-5k.
promotions are not my great inspiration and here they come with years piling up and I am partly incapable and partly uninterested of those

googled up and innovative mixed up white papers to get brownie points.
But just for these few comforts how much of this environment I can take and if not here what next.There’s no gurantee that I will
end up with different people if I move again. Its a bloody small world in so many ways.

I cant even think of what to blog , such pitiful I have become and the posts in the last few months are quite reflective of this pathetic

state.Not that I loved all the people in the past,( I just lack that loving disposition and am too old to change i guess) but yeah some people were nice enough to distract me from bothering about the others.

Read Full Post »