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Coming Out ….?

No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become.
No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell.
There are no maps of the change. You just come out the other side. Or you don’t.
Stephen King
And so I write again ,

for I looked at my blog , my older posts here and not here

and I was in a sense of wonder yesterday night.
Was it me that wrote these so passionate about the life’s trivialities ?
And then I realize how life’s been playing the part and well what I have become.
I did wish to write it out believing that old adage of flushing out the pain
in words but never did it work, could not just work myself up to put it words.
But today morning in Pinterest when I come across this quote I told myself may be I am coming out on the other side.

I cannot write on it – what was that blue section from 2012 to well ongoing exactly -its hazy and its all in the mind
– the fears, the pain , the regrets , the way life overwhelmed me.
They reside still in mind refuse to be tamed and I do fear I may never come out

and even if I do its on the other side.

From someone agnostic I have tend towards the beleivers , never was against it but its become more pronounced .
From someone who accorded ones own initiative a fair share for success I tend to lean more on fate’s wily ways
Its not a side I was ever against but its not a side I believed I would be on

I have walked onto that path by choice only that there was no map and I ended here.

Its not that I feel wrong just that it defeated my worldview bringing me to a point where I

Amazed at my own past self , sad at what I seem to have lost
but then I guess in the end everyone is the same

Everyone is same

Everyone is same

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A quick jotting

Somehow was feeling this has been an immensely depressing year. There hasnt been anything good for ages in life but this year it has been like the end of hope.
I was thinking about forcing a change , taking risks and all that and this crossed my mind – Sounds stupid but well !!
To take a risk and jump off too you need a cliff
What can you do in a vast desert – beyond giving up and hoping to die
OR keep dragging yourself on hoping fate lands you at an oasis out of the blue.
But yeah its again onto fate …..What can you do in when all you have is shapeless pointless and endless sand ?
Well as I post this I thought again – May be stare at the blue sky and be delusional that there’s water – all you need is to stare up

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Usually quotes come to mind as I write some thoughts but when I started to write this post after much laziness preventing any writing I could not much recall any that fitted the exact thoughts in my minds which triggered me to post this until I found this.

“To praise the sun is to praise your own eyes.” – Jalal ad-Din Rumi

And so you could say for anyone who can really praise anything while not directly involved with it.
While human craving for appreciation is so well known what we do not realize is how few can truly appreciate.
I do not mean the appreciation mailers really I blogged on but more like enjoying something irrelevant really enough to appreciate – not because it is a success or because everyone loves it -But really be able to be touched by something small thats well ignored in general.
May be I am confusing it with many things I think in this respect so lets go to the background that framed the thought.

Someone from our team was leaving – well to build the character first
– the chap can be exasperating in his questioning which is where we started off when he came new
– argumentative when he knows something and absolutely I care a damn about authorities.
He kind of had a reputation for being a confuser – in which I played a good part due to the way he confused me too – but more
esp as somehow his communication style made life worse for him.
But then with time I really could see the passion with which he worked on what he liked even when no one cared and I seriously appreciate that.
One of the downsides of having a policy at work where its like do what you want , how you want as long as what we want is working is no one out there differentiates between how well optimally or precisely someone got it to work.
No one appreciates the finer backend stuff .
So well time went on – we had new manager , new leads and now this guy was leaving and so he arranged a knowledge transfer of his work. There were just two of us me and a new senior lead who was now picking up most of the work writing code and he walked us through – at the end the senior chap just said to me – “he has written it so well”
Something I always knew and saw but there was nothing I could say as in the end its all about what is accepted as working
– in which we had less success
This new senior guy is also a very hard working chap and has made a success out of things so well that stands out. What no one sees is – he writes things to work for that moment – his success is due to his heroic efforts – which in future would be hard to handle by others – unlike someone who wrote it more well neat with a thought for ease and longevity.

But I thought at least this guy had the eye to see the good work – something the so called managers pre-occupied with making ppts dont. And so that incident and another below brought me this whole thought of how
– can we appreciate and – what we appreciate tells so much about us.

My father is one of those persons about whom one of the advertisements jokes – “tab tho un dinon street light ke paas kaafi bheed rahi hogi” (it must’ve been really busy with so many people under the street light)- Yeah he too says I studied there .

Nevertheless he was viewing the new 5 star add where two guys sat on a wooden horse thing and well he said “what crap is this . They pay lakhs for this nonsense” . Well I thought – Ok he’s off on his usual rant – but then he remembered a ad and appreciated it – a rarity and that would tell so much about him – its not a enjoyable or fun ad but he appreciated it.
“He said that add where a kid takes a wire and makes something like tongs for his mother – how nice that concept was” – It was for Havell’s fire proof cables
The fact is my father is one of those people who loves making things out of such crap which exasperates us no end as this pretty much means nothing in the house can be thrown out – everything could be useful in some way !! . Yup oyr house is full of old wires being used for clothesline – broken shoe heels can be fashioned into door stoppers and what not 😦
And so I realised that was why that ad touched him and he liked it .
Just as someone who loves to code appreciates a good code.

Indeed to praise the sun is praising your own eyes – your own love for the light & warmth it bestows

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It wasn’t a trip I planned nor would I have.A trip to holy places is never on my agenda. No its not because of my aversion to stringent religiousness . It is more because of what it does to me.
Every time I visit those pilgrimage spot strangely it happens to be some special day when crowds throng more than usual . And then in those crowds I do not see God. I see the lack of what they call God. Yeah I know its all about perception.
I do start out hoping as people say that in places like haridwar etc you find peace , are touched by divinity of the place and so on. And then you get rushed up in trains pushed as you walk through to the aarti, misguided by locals , of the fake ritualistic talk by pilgrims and the whole milling population around does not arouse any divine feeling. It depresses me no end.
The chilled water does bring some peace if you manage to sit calmly at the ghats but every time you see people you see all that is wrong at least what I feel wrong played on like a exhibit repeatedly.
You see the dirt and plastic in the water and then someone calls it holiest of the holy
– its hard to be blind and its worse to see so many being willfully blind.
I would love to be an atheist & some do brand me one but then unfortunately such certainty never sat well with me . I’ve always been the lost agnostic & have reconciled myself that I will stay the same in this lifetime.

The river had its beauty & held its own as you gazed at it late in the moonlight but whenever I saw people in and around it it lost that mysticism. And if you stray away from the river well that was it – I found nothing much in the air whatever they say.

And then there was this quick drive to Mussoorie with a terrible driver who simply refused to take us anywhere & so all we had was a drive up the hills & a walk on the road & a garden.

All I stared at was the trees . Huge tall trees have a way of holding me breathless and making me recall the quote
“Trees are earth’s ode to heaven”

Then tried recalling all my Ruskin Bond stories & the pine trees and was lost in that.
Then there was our very young lil friend all lost worrying about all & sundry in the world & future – reminding me of my myself a decade ago and this quote
“It is an illusion that youth is happy,
an illusion of those who have lost it.”

Innocence is so rare in people though these days that even a semblance of it brings such joyful laughter .Almost poetic.
But then life is on firmer ground -along with us was a family from a small town & the lady and her actions reminded me why ekta kapoors serials work. Throughout the trip there was her frustration with a “devil may care attitude” cool husband while she tagged along with a really troublesome boy & a calm quiet girl child. And everytime she was teased about her angry demeanor with her husband she justified it with her own deep insights on marriage – of how they were not fighting – love is all about differences & adjustment & fights are not really fights. That there can never be a person with whom all your thoughts gel & would be perfect.
The words seems true taken verbally – so logical but its the vibe that gives it all away . She rambles on all the while acting oblivious to the fact that her every word showed her frustration with life & how it had depressed her to no end . Her talk of how her aspirations were stifled and what a brilliant teacher she was – and how despite being someone who handed out corporal punishment at college she was oh so liked…you despise them when you hear them at times & then you think & feel so much pity & you end up in despair deciding on your own emotion.

Then there was the family we visited – for all our talk about all the baba’s agitation & its politics we saw how people believed in them. Some blindly and some with their own twisted logic but one could see the dedication – the need most people have deep within for order & discipline & faith as else they feel lost – and how its exploited.
Then you feel your own hypocrisy at times …whatever we thought we never argued for we do not offend our hosts by cold logic .
Would want to write more but its all so fuzzy somehow.

p.s: the nuggets you listen in train from villagers
“I dont know why they force kids to go to school – its ok for city kids as schools are nearby
but think of the village kids – they spend 3 to 4 hrs travelling – whats the point ?? ”
Ah the illusions one India has of another are so bewildering

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Another Year

Whats a year but a number when life seems to be almost in slumber.
2010 drifted really in a nothingness sort of way for me

Have been in a strange mood since December. Dont feel like reading much.
Dont feel like writing too.
Thoughts come to mind but there is a tendency to just lie still and not jot them.
Hope 2011 lets me get over all that and we come to a grand end as predicted the following year.

Sounding too morose this post for a new year?
Well here’s a lovely song that makes me feel hugely better
always with lovely lyrics as usual by gulzar

ek subah ek mod par

P.S: This post was made just hoping that I try to post more or rather something better than what I did in 2010
And just as I am planning to click publish I remember its a new decade too. Ok so next post may be a decade recap ? Let see

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Quite Robotic !!

To state it simply it was a hugely underwhelming experience.
The hype , the praise surrounding Robot – I was prepared to be slightly dissapointed but really to be bored in a Rajni movie
– not expected and yet for most part I was bored.

It just meanders on , it tries to touch on high brow issues here and there no doubt about science and humans
and social effects but really just a scratch on surface.
For most part it just streches on. One movie whose success is beyond me.
As for Aishwarya she is so perfect for Robot.Such a beautiful Robotess??
In that song where in a scene multiple clones of Aishwarya came on screen I just thought what the heck is the movie all about.
If chitti likes Sana then the scientist shouldve made another Robot for Chitti just like Sana and let the matter rest.
Or the Robot who cloned himself all over shouldve made one like Sana who really likes him and program non cheating (but bugs will exist in code as always!!)

I do not dislike it – Its just boring. In fact of all mass heroes Rajnikanth is the most entertaining with whatever his patented stylishness is and yet this so boring a movie.
Crazy fans I understand – but even for them there is not a single rajni punch line or anything for mass hysteria seriously.

Oh Yeah technical brilliance appreciation is deserved – yeah for folks who never watched beyond Indian movies yes brilliant
– but anyone who saw other stuff wont find this mind blowing.
Yes this cost less was done at on etenth the price of Hollywood – so the director and technicians did a feat ,
admirable take nothing away from them – but the movie was enjoyable – how ??

The technical appreciation for an admirable work by an Indian while completely deserved , me being cruel thinking
reminded me of lalit Bhanot’s amazing comment during CWG. “Our standards are different than yours”

The movie lacked heart or emotional touch somehow for me – and since I am not a great technical effects fan I guess thats the core issue.Even in movies like Matrix I loved the subtext the emotional conflicts and the whole discussion etc rather than the high quality stunts and whatever.

But technical eye feast if thats to be talked of not in strict technical terms – of the few movies I’ve seen I just
have to say “Lord of the Rings” – I just love the whole setting and the extravagant setup.
There’s a joy in every character human or robotic .
I was terrified and disliked the Gollum creature hugely – but saw a forum where a lady found him cute – Hmmm.

P.S: Since the post was about a underwhelming experience I will just post a unrelated link from CWG which was a overwhelming experience.I am no athletics fan nor ever watch it but was led to it by a link and was wowed by it.Girls with no support whasoever and such odds and the video seems just like a thriller in a movie.

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Its one of the hardest things to do – to accept that mistakes inevitably happen ,
whether due to luck or pressure ,rush or whatever.
Unlike others who find it hard owning up to one I very easily can own up when I see one ,
but to accept it to myself that I overlooked something , it is very hard.

I try , but its hard till I manage to get some sleep over it.
Its till I do that well enough , I find it tortures me .

And then when people tell you , its ok its ok – its hard not to try to
figure out who says that as a smirk and who means it genuinely.

This was a week I felt after a long time felt that whole elements were simply against me.
It felt like a huge conspirarcy of fate , nature and what not and I slipped up .

Murphy’s law took its course and everything that could go wrong did go wrong.

I just hope it ends here and does not carry through to the next month.
reminded me of a sysadmin to whom once I said after our whole servers crashed
” Oh that VM is fine , well then the worst is behind us”
To which I was replied

Never say that –, The worst is never behind us,
it is always ahead of us , waiting for us to slip up and then catch us
” or something like that
Even on messenger it seemed ominous then.

In hindsight , such errors keep you grounded , may be .
Trying to look at the bright part of it.
I erred , when many believed in me.So yeah they will cross check now but
had I committed something similar before that belief set in ,
I guess like some others I would have been typecasted too.

But neverthless right now I typecast myself as a hopeless freak and nervous wreck who mulls over
things like a wrong version install to write rant posts like this.

P.S: The movie “I hate love stories” may be just one more has been movie for me, – I watched it on CD so offhandedly and with not much time spent on TV I never listened to the songs actually.
And then I listen to the Sadka song from it while shopping at a mall for nearly an hour , it kind of grew on me as I was there and now its been looping for the last two weeks on my media player. Love the song.

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