Archive for May, 2006

Life has its funny and sweet moments with all the horrors that go around and funnily
it is friends who make so much difference.

I am someone who gets chappatis for lunch something rare down south so all my friends tease me whenever i get rice may be once in month that it will rain in evening while goin home…and somehow it does…and somehow mom being busy this week only put rice and gosh……..it did not rain in the evening.
Early in dawn at 4 it rained i guess and all the three of them and me at their homes far away somehow woke up with rain splattering from their deep sleeps and all of them thought of the same thing sleepily………..my tiffin and smiled to themselves in the night ….and that was the first joke next day.

Well thats a smiling thought………the rest of this is like a mess…..
All the Sr members in my project who have been in the project for one year have put in their resignation…..and i am like mera number kab ayega.I just cant take the look in all eyes…you next …..
The smile is wiped off my lead’s face…… does not say hi any more….calls up only when thers some work scenario.

All this while i’ve to struggle with the scheduling for a bunch of new joinees who dont know a and b and the resignees who dont care abt a’s and b’s.
The problem with so many people is they just dont dare….sometimes may be me too but i have my reasons.Like my official timing was 9 i went at 9.30 morning…now its 9.30 i go at 10 am……….but my lead does not ask me straight bcoz they know i’ll answer the inevitable ” u want me here at 9.30 i will……but i’m outta here at 6.30…take ur pick”……..but the issue is they keep telling me to ask ppl in my team to come early….which to be seems like hmmmmm.

There’s this new fresher reporting to me…..Gosh i cant beleive i teach them to deceive me…..he does not like the work…i know but he finishes it faster than some other slow tortoises…and said to me “mam can i leave” at 5 pm.I was like now????
why any specific work…”no mam i finished my assigned work“………i was like oh yeah then start off the next…we have a such a tight schedule and you are supposed to continue…………..he was like this is not fair………..i came at 8 and started work(now just coz im friendly he dared say this)….i literally had to openly say “did i ask u to come a t 8 and start your work…u cud have browsed chatted or whatever

He had this look on 😦 on face….
My friends who are just 1+yr exp were like he finished his work…u cud have let him go nah.
I only said well well i wud love to because i would say the same when my work done i am leaving but it does not work like that in mid size IT companies….its all about team work Sr managers will say…..and if you want it that way of individuality stand up and say it.
That these people won’t do.When i asked this guy any issues tell me i’ll try to report them to management ….he said ” why bother and spoil your impression with the PL….work quietly till u will then push off“.
Hence i told him gr8 going kid if thats how it you wish.Work bcoz those who cant stand up …can sulk but have to work……

I finally at 6 said ok go ahead leave …he was like no thats fine movie tickets wont be available now…….i was like wellllllllll………..if that was the case u better learn making excuses…..i cant teach you what excuses to make to me.

Actually i should push off faster from here….i seem to be the most anti management proxy manager.Added to it my friends find my desk at the backend of the hall safest to fill Application/Candidate info of all companies.Also i seem to have the habit of shooting myself in the foot all by myself.

A guy in my team resigned week after i took over and i was asked can you explain…i was like huh …u really think he did all this in a week……of course i know it was for paycheck.
My PL was like if u knew why u did not tell TL.I was like when u knew i thought TL also knows and i got a good lecture on hierarchy.

PL was like why do u think think ppl are leaving like this…its not paycheck ……..its the feeling of being not valued and all that crap.
Well i told that value stuff comes at your position may be but for freshers and 1 to 2+ exp ppl paisa bolta hai.
Then i was told the market is great we know but still why so many leaving.
I could only only say :”Well market is good and everyone is like make Hay while the sun shines“.
It was a wonderful pause and Immediate question
So yamini what about …for you too make hay…..
I was like pulling up my diplomacy
ah…it depends on how much hay for me …see i am neither fresher nor exp…so who knows may be for a big bundle ….i dont know…nothing as of now but who knows.”

I did not then have my cam phone else this was a capturable moment.

Since then sun has never been shining on my PL’s face.


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Its been so long i guess since i wrote…but them i feel i repeat myself and just coz
life repeats itself seems no good reason that i repeat myself here.
Life has gone from just one damn thing after the another to one damn thing over and over….
Almost everything i seem to do in the past few days seems to turn out badly.Well it happens a lot with me in general a lot but last week it happened a bit too much enough to be reminded of it in a special way.

I bought my new Phone a camphone 6670 but somehow after a struggling day i cud not find the color i wanted and then i compromised and then again somehow i just was not happy with it.Can’t pin point and type …many things i guess…just i was not happy.
Like why the heck does it need a key code if u want autolock….and it somehow after a 15 min conversation was warm enough to put me off….which was my basic reason to switch phones.

The way things are going i am living up to follow the following quote

“Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness. ~Robertson Davies”

Well i am searching for those treasures in my brand of unhappiness coz i for one am fed up of this search for happiness.Some flaw in my temperament i guess which is unrepairable and my surroundings….which i can’t demand to be changed.

Friends at office say i’ve lost the smile on my face since the day i took charge for a bunch of ppl(they are nice and blunt enough to say that its a false formality smile when i smile wide at their comments)….well if only i could tell that thats just a miniscule part of my unhappiness.

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Its become a state of continuity in my mind , the state of complete unaffectedness..Its hard to understand or rather relate when i ponder about myself.I who could be affected by every small word voice, happening seem to be unaffected by none now.

Its like a sense of indifference has settled on the heart.Earlier everything seemed to affect a hope , a future i had a vision of….dreams you d believed would turn true. Its like nothing matters any more..Nothing in reality…who cares ,what happens…everything can be dealt with…there’s nothing left to lose that i can lose or i believe will lose….nothing that matters to the heart at least.

There are still somethings i hold dear but still i’ve nothing to fear…as they cant be touched…memories, visions …unlived dreams.

I have no illusions left about this world but then it has become like one of those quotes…by who else by ultimate favorite in quotes respect keeping Oscar wilde aside…..Mark twain

“Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. ”

They are gone now and the mind seems so unbothered about anything… now that the heart seems to be no longer the trouble it used to raise for the mind ….about everything in life.

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Absolutely devoured and finished off Shashi Tharoor’s Riot this weekend.Sometime since i read a book at one go.Its a fine enough book now….I always think i should write a decent review of books but then i always am so centered on my thoughts and so again here too the same story.The book as i read it made me wonder a bit …made me feel been there seen that a bit and so on….
Well this passage is to be read…………..hard core relegious ppl pls excuse.
and guess what ….. i liked it and thought i shud post it and felt lazy typing it.So just to try my luck googled and i got my passage.Ah small mercies…..
This is written by the American girl working in a small district in UP for population control.

“Learned something interesting about the Hindu god Ram, the one all fuss about these days. Seems that when he brought his wife Sita back from Lanka and became king, the gossips in the kingdom were whispering that after so many months in Ravana’s captivity, she could not possibly be chaste anymore. So to stop the tongues wagging, he subjected her to an agni-pariksha, a public ordeal by fire, to prove her innocent. She walked through the flames unscathed. A certified pure woman.
That stopped the gossips for a while, but before long the old rumours surfaced again. It was beginning to affect Ram’s credibility as king. So he spoke to her about it. What could she do? She willed the earth to open up, literally, and swallowed her. That was the end of the gossip. Ram lost the woman he had warred win back, but he ruled on as a wise and beloved king.
What the hell does this say about India? Appearances are more important than truths. Gossip is more potent than facts. Loyalty is all one way, from the woman to the man. And when society stacks up all the odds against a woman, she’d better not count on the man’s support. She has no way out than to end her own life.
And I’m in love with an Indian. I must be crazy.”

I have nothing against the relegion of Ram though…..Hinduism i think its the best …..that is if relegion is a necessity.
After all where else can you call on a Ram when you want to defend yourself in name of social justice and chastity and a Shyam when you want just…what they say divine love.You can argue for any thing and find examples for everything….such vast is our mythology.

Now i read this book on the weekend and thought it truly represents the hypocrisy in our society and then let it be. Then today i read about that Indian engineer killed in Afghan and his second wife.Well i know its not nice speaking of dead and who am i to judge….i dont judge anyone but it surely shows how much our society values appearances.
One report was he told the second wife ” you both are like my two eyes”…a very common line used by parents to to refer to their children.It made me LOL and reminded me of a childhood incident.
My sister shattered my grandma and this myth once and for all in my home……..when once she repeatedly teased and grandma said you both are like my two eyes…..she answered back promptly
“But then one eye could be bright……………….one eye might have a better vision”.
Surely all this wouldve been known to first family but survival is the moot point hence people live through…..but when it becomes a public matter its a disgrace.Suffering and disgrace in private is honorable…..funny is our society or rather us.
Actually people have started using this Funda ‘I am an Indian ‘ for all their stupid habits.You speak rotten english….” iam an indian man not firangi”
You spit around, smoke on face ” This is india”.
The next extract really is a very serious one but i laughed cynically a lot on this.
Ok let me give the context..

“a married indian bureaucrat having an affair with a visiting American student in a small district in UP.They are arguing the future of their relationship”

Priscilla:Its not that difficult Lucky .You are more western than you think…You’ll adjust easily.

Lakshman: “Its not that adjustment i am talking about……In my culture no man with any self respect gives his mangalsutra, his ring his name to a woman who’s been with other men.I never thought in my life i would be in a position where another man would think ,’ Ive slept with his wife……”

You are sick.
Lakshman: I’m indian……………..
.(I really laughed and laughed…………..what an answer)Most of the stuff in the book is pretty real India…and so one’d feel what’s so special stuff.
The books well written i mean simple not too hi fi…….I wanted to read ” The Great Indian Novel ” and ended up with this….as ever you never find what you want when you want.It was a fine way to spend a weekend drained as i was of that office work.

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