Archive for November, 2006

Amazing sometimes some thoughts just pass your mind and its so bad you cant pen them down instantly and well they seem so sort of unrelated. I mean it started by the fact that a guy was introduced to me as a good prospect despite specifying loudly No No No. But I guess people believe trying helps….nevertheless that’s some wasted story……this piece has nothing to do with all that….it just was a cue to the thought process…..there was so much of it but lack of access to a computer prevented the instant writing that I hope to do one ….like jot down all the stupidity that goes around.


Well I was asked my educational qualification and designation……and its so funny I mean really …which platform and client and all that and — that’s all brilliant prospects for me want to talk about….and my thoughts started at the reaction I got .”Oh you are into Testing /QA”….that look snobberly people in development display and yeah I too had nursed hopes of getting into development once. Life went otherwise due to various other socio economic  reasons and and now I don’t regret it much …and as they say about nasty critics who were aspiring writers …. I guess this is my self self parody.

Actually I don’t see why anyone into testing should feel bad….. it seems great fun….I mean all the developers from their high rise positions and great talk of  technologies and all create an application and then you get a chance to show them all their mistakes …and sometimes oh so silly ones…..

I do crib that this work is all copy paste …data entry and all but then rare are the developers who do not copy and paste (once in a while when browsing some forums you wonder where people working for companies and getting paid fabulously  request for workarounds and codes to make something work from unemployed self egotists who do it for freee…..Some strange justice)and Oh what wonderful wonderful mistakes this copy paste and brilliance of developers initiates……..it is all due to such simple technology that we are making a profitable  living ….we the low brow testers.

Anyway hopefully this horrid day will end with no more horrors…I woke up anyways to a rare dream. Saw some deer fighting and later deer meat put on fire and I asked some how come deer meat and we see some one had put it to lure tiger and then scared of tiger man locks himself in and as I woke up the only interpretation I could think of was a quote……..” life is a race to be the criminal rather than the victim”

My mind been soo fed up of people and  corrupted that I can think of googling up some White paper for myself  (which is what some brilliant people in my organization do to get points)which my manager keeps telling me every other day to do soon……and I think lets forget technology ….how about a white paper on The great divide: Developer and Tester…….now that sounds like the title for a novel more than a white paper for a technical body…..and that’s the tragedy of me ……neither here nor there.

P.S:Never imagined after all these things that i would have to go to cybercafe….still no internet damn……bored


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a day….

a day- ….

Today i went shopping with V and R bought a dress and then it slowly kind of depressed me….i am back to those phases…the time when i know i want no one any more.V was nice but seemed so very differnt in somethings like acting abt the fact that i wont spend …. but neverthless… i felt i should never go shopping with any one…not with them…not with So or Sis…anyone……..they kind of mess up my mind in ways even they dont know.

I should go alone and to places that suit me…may be the same stuff………not sure if its cyclic or what but ys its sort of again the same feeling i just want absolutely no one…and in the perfect way that fate plays with me my moms got a match again which she thinks is gr8 …i have to find a fault yet due to lack of data.

Its a headache and i assume the worst as ever and frankly there is no need for me to think any better ..its usually worse than my imaginations ..my life…all i wanted was some peace to browse and here i have a room but no net and that sums up the tragedy of my life and may be by the time i get it again i have to share it .Oh yeah yeah i am no atheist and wil never be one…..i would be an agnostic…..coz ….i need a  GOD once in a while to hate for dealing me with such terrible fate.But the only silver lining in this darkness is that i feel very reckless and heartless at times and hence feel i can be as cruel as fate has been to me.

I never wished to be what i might be but then i guess that quote from the Spiderman trailer that been playing on my since i saw it sums it up….

“How long can a man fight darkness before he finds it within himself.”

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Again they started it … I guess it was waiting to happen….they’ve been doing it in various ways for the past 30 yrs and still its goes on in worse ways…using children as pawn to play their one upmanship power games…and what do we have to cry about…they ask. It is not our relationships or life that we have to cry about .At near 30 yrs of age we still have to cry about the hopelessness of the parents marriage…and the misfortune of living through it. Everybody is hurt …both of them can be blamed and there is no solution only new problems more so for me…coz now I am the person powerful enough to be used.

A Man who lived by the sheer power of  being the sole provider to other three dependents suddenly finds  that no one needs him or rather fears him now and as ever this defeat for a man with that kind of ego and rage is hard to swallow and what better way to express it than beat up the lonely wife, stomp her over with still strong legs and show  the power……but then things have moved on …the wife believes she has had taken it enough and can do without this humiliation and suffering ……oh no she has not found any new strength …she has found  new people able to be used…her daughters earning  now… for whom she had suffered all these days says she….and he says the same….and bcoz of them we suffered say we…in the end all suffered….but we want to move on but they at the end of  their lives want to drag it on and extract more of their price. So the wife retorts back to the beatings and gets beaten up more and finally lives to see another day with loads of sympathy.

The man sulks he’s been used sucked of all his money and now as the want is over being disrespected…so he refuses to spend a penny more on the wife. The wife refuses all money full of pride….and pray how does she plan to live the same life then …well the daughters would  or rather should  slog for her…….and so down go the dreams of any freedom and their own dreams being lived for ever dreamed by those children………

……is there a way out of this mess.

The Man leaves in tears saying he never loved money and cares too hoots for it but is hurt at being used….well very true he did not care about money…he preferred to dump it all into the wife’s hands and then beat her up for not using it judiciously rather than care to spend and invest the money and take its responsibility….…he just cared to use its power to have his way and buy respect and power. He’s too old to see any truths least of all his own flaws.

The Woman lives in hurt, though believes she’s done the right thing and all these years of suffering (and truly terrible they were) are now bearing fruit.

And here are the children sitting alone bearing the brunt of this and crying in their hearts at beginning another struggle of their lives…..who in the world said marriages should be saved for Children……it is better to have a set of divorced and separated parents any day than two people who hate each other trying to make you believe each day of the sacrifices they are  making and made for you….as if they would not have otherwise lived…..better still is not to have any set of parents….being an orphan seems such a better proposition sometimes …despite all the portrayals in books and novels and movies…the best of course as they say is “ never to have been born at all”…but ah fortune….we were born and we suffer….and the best thing I ever think is this is going to end for sure….cause I know I will die one day….

All this started because he came visiting a dead man who lived recklessly lying and cheating people and he’s dead and all his sins would be paid for by those he left behind.

It is not without reason that I don’t believe in God anymore and pulled off the light in his room. There better be as much darkness there physically as there is in reality. God surely is blind or rather I guess we just got God and Devil confused. There isn’t a difference.

Its easier to say he does not exist but then why wipe out some one believing in whom you grew up more than half your life….no let him be there up above somewhere but as I repeat always he ‘s either blind or never really bothers to look down anymore….So lets get on with our lives…. Mortality is a real savior…..and since I just cannot risk such people in ever again I surely forgive them all cause its not that I believe in rebirth but just in case its true I don’t want any thing to do with them…no revenge nothing just want to be rid of them….Which fool wanted to be immortal…..give him such a life…and no one would ever have asked for immortality.

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