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Archive for January, 2006

A menace in my life

Astrologers have been the menace of my life .Hence its no wonder that i associated them with Macbeth’s Witches (I am heavily influenced by my school education having a good dose of shakespeare)long before they actually caused the real damage.They’ve harmed me probably more than i can or would write about.So do i hate astrology…am a non beleiver.NO Not really and herein lies the issue.My views on fate i wrote about earlier in a post.So yes i do beleive in fate but not in the way most people do.Fate as i said determine what we have to choose from(which sometimes is devil and deep sea, bad and worse) but i do beleive we can choose.One book which i enjoyed(well i admit i am a bit just a lil bit partial to books which agree with my thoughts.I dont learn from books mostly i find great solace in them …its like yeahh..someone thinks like me…agrees with me as weird as i think type) is ONE by Richard Bach though unlike him i think we are limited by fate greatly.
Anyway the main topic astrology lets assume is right and i actually think its an art if not a science.the sad story is 99% of the astrologers are not skilled in this intricate art and by claiming to predict and handle fate they doom lives(exactly what the witches in macbeth did).It seems a small thing but then “ It isn’t the mountain ahead that wears you out – it’s the grain of sand in your shoe.”
The witches thing is a really wonderful analysis
These so called pandits and astrologers are consulted and the first thing they’ll say is it’ll be fine if a small puja is done or this n that.Next will be a trip to some holy place …if this too fails then the person will be himself/herself advised to do pujas fasting etc etc…making life hapless for a working person.If all fails they use the last escape route.Whatever you do you should do with shraddha else its waste…oh yeah then damn the late honesty.Its easy for me to trash them here but in the social set up that we live in i know how hard it is to ignore them.You may not care but family and people all around you do.
its not like i dont enjoy it as long as its for fun but their remedies..hmmm.I do check out horoscopes..play tarot..analyse my terrible numerology…dabble with people professing to be palmists but to have them change your life irreparably is a big risk…It is a big risk if you have people beleiving in such stuff blindly all around you.Its honestly beyond me to explain to anyone why me moved from a house we had been staying since long(for me i was terribly attached to my garden there) as all the holy men after explaining something or the other ended up on one line..this house is closed on east…so no progress in life…oh yeah damn them.So now we live in a place that has no privacy and no garden.(i’ll never get over this though i never admit).everytime one such person visits us it ends in a row. earlier it used to be just some external headches so i cared a fig but now i am roped into such nonsense and i hate it.
I hate getting up early morning since forever. Even my manager has stopped expecting me early but my mom is a eternal optimist and tries it still. Unbelievable she still expects i’ll change after 28 years of knowing me.(In fact thats the personal joke among us sisters…our parents are so very optimistic that we have been given none of it…same can be said of their being so energetic and we two so lazy).
it is not astrology i hate …it is the Powerplay(there are two kinds some do it for money and some to feel powerful to know and affect others fates) that comes with it….and used by so called astrologers.Some can be excused esp the village and such uneducated ones who live a time wrap…..they still dont know that a jobs …lifestyles and other stuff..yeah people are falling back to old world theories and astrology but is it really possible …no people simply mould it….if its succesful …its fine if not it was done with shraddha.Then we have technical and highly educated specialists in this fields after all astrology is a very dominant segment of the internet.
The thing is even if an astrologer reads or knows something correctly they will not say it right.they will not tell a man he will die even if they see it. They talk in riddles and ensure they have a escape route and each word they say can be construed to a different meaning (its is here that i related it best to macbeth’s witches .One can read a quick 1 page story here. http://www.bardweb.net/plays/macbeth.html )

Earlier for me predictions used to be of just one use.
If a good one they added to the feel good factor.
If bad they gave me a thrill factor—the thrill of hoping to one day prove a stupid person wrong.
(but then i know they’ll get away with 1 line…mistakes happen)
But alas this was before but now that all their strategies have run out i am targeted personally or rather my sleep….my elixir and my own personal time.
This is a ridiculous post may be but years later it will be good fun for me i guess.

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I just got onto a site where i found a bunch of e books so was thrilled….why when i actually hate ebooks..well ebooks are good for reference and for looking back not to read completely.i always wanted to have those wonderful bookshelves lined with oh so many books but what with my getting a room for myself still a dream..i cant imagine a library for myself…so with the cramped up space that life is here ebooks help to have near you whatever you like to refer back…..good esp for some one like me who reads a looooot but remembers only what i like …or hate…all the other stuff i kind of forget…of nearly 200 novels(including quite soem nonsensical timepass) i compiled as having read i guess i hardly remember 100 of them.
E books help help here…..say a 300 page novel if u do not possess at home and read in a library then after 2years you only remember 20 pages of it …rest is like a vague story….the special lines and all get lost.So i collect whatever few i can and with a compilation of all short stories of archer in txt format…

I was pleased to download and re-read my favorite story called “Old love” in a “Quiver full of arrows” by Jeffrey Archer…and i loved it.I think its one of the most loveliest love stories thats been written..at least surely one among the numerous ive read.Its not like the most sentimental stuff or emotional play ….its simply wonderful verbal banter and i have a weakness for such.

I enjoy such stuff immensely be it in movies or serials and definitely in books.Probably thats why ‘Friends’ happens to be my favorite sitcom…not that i watch many but still i really love verbal duels.I enjoy Jeffrey archer in general anyway but his short stories i find a lot more interesting than his more famous novels……..though Not a penny more ….is awesome i must say(Funnily that was the only Archer book i had not read a few years back….so i read the best the last)But most of his short stories are those sudden endings….clever stories of law and crime and such but when you speak of a love story and Archer people may think twice but this one story called “Old love” beats them all for me.
Its wonderful…i still remember the first time i read it in college i could almost make up a sharukh kajol movie out of it…its so slick clever and fun yet very touching….full of arguments and one line repartees.
Too good…just read it twice in less tahn an hour…i am hopeless…i have to study for my distance exam which i wont ….donno why i applied firstly and i have to brush up my technical stuff to get out this job and here i am rereading stories and then blogging. i really am hopeless in the scheme of this world.
I have a tendency to enjoy what i hear more than visual i think because my memory funnily is more verbal not visual…..my thought today was this ….i cannot remmeber much what i saw somehow in a day…in fact i think most of the time i do not even notice…i hear… i listen….Someone in my old office once had said(dont know what he meant by that to this date)
” you dont see things ….yeah u use ur ears too well”……may be the fact that i overhear…well people should take care what and where to talk i thought cant help it if ur audible to me i thought. yeah i mean i do listen to things around(not get in and hear like ekta kapoors serials where it is compulsory to hide and overhear private conversations) ….and i am very perceptive about reading between the lines…what i dont hear.I some how lack a visual memory …hmm…..and i make it up by imagination.As i said i dont see but if i know what it is i kind of imagine it ….. i guess its better than reality.Imagination always is extremes….i guess too good or too bad.I tried asking myself what flowers in my garden i remember and god i remembered so many and i know i imagine them prettier than they were sometimes(flowers are anyway lovely i tell myself)….my imagination corrupts my memory always…may be thats why i keep this blog so i look back and remember rather than imagine things.

Well now where did i start the post…yeah its really the best short love story(its such a simple story and yet its too good…honestly simple things and gestures are the most beautiful and memorable any day).

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Drift

I’ll drift now
drift with this world to nothingness
so weary of fighting
i tell myself, but i know somewhere deep down
its my destinyto fight
lose may be most,win may be few,
if this is lost
i’ll find something new to fight
if i lose to this world
i’ll fight my own self
but fight i will
as much i try to drift
#############################

I dont usually post songs here but somehow the lyrics of
this very nice song from ‘Gardish’ seem like my thoughts….
haan ye hai ki hum ye baat bahut pehle samaj gaye…
bas aaj fir yaad kiya…


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hum na samjhe the
baat itni si
khaab sheeshe ke
duniya paththar ki
Aarzoo humne ki to hum paae
Aarzoo humne ki to hum paae
roshni saath laai thi saaye
saaye gehre the
roshni halki

Sirf veeranee sirf tanhayee
sirf veeranee sirf tanhayee
zindahi humko ye kahan laayee?
kho gayi humse raah manzil ki

kya koi beche kya koi baante
kya koi beche kya koi baante
apne daaman mein sirf hain kaante
aur dukanein hain sirf phoolon ki

Hum na samjhe the
baat itni si
khaab sheeshe ke
duniya paththar ki

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This is written for a friend … a dear stubborn person (though a little less than me) who’s simply hell bent on making life hard ….added to it he says thats the
thrill of life.hmm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well i tried to write a positive post as you said …….actually thought but then i have
just one thought what do you mean by positive…..its like saying yes this is good ….i may not see why it happened…its good basically in one line “whatever happens it
happens for the good”.
Not a hard thing if you just want to put in words but what objective will it acheive…the immediate example: “yeah its good that my exit policy says two months notice …now
instead of being lazy i will focus more on exiting this trap.So i should be happy about it rather than curse the HR for such stupid mindless changes.”Well if thats positive dear
i am definitely not into it.Firstly id say i would have been happier if youd live beleiving in positivity …
whatever negative happened with you saddened me( i know now u’ll say its not negative) …may be my sadness is nothing compared to the pain of yours of losing your dream but neverthless it made me sad to see someone shaken from their beleif in positivity in …self beleif…yes i’d still like it if you’d have that stubborn beleif that if not today someday u’ll crack ur dream…but as i said life gets to you after a certain point.I would have been happiest to lose this point but as i said life kind of wins and i hate it….i really hate it.I am not writing this in defence as i dont explain or actually i dont care to explain myself but its only for the concern you express that i am trying to clarify.

Negative people are people who belittle others dreams…people who only beleive they have only one perspective and think all others are wrong.It is never that simple.
I do not consider myself negative … but yes my instant reaction to anything is to immediately see the negative aspect of it but i have always said..it is my mind which is negative . At heart i am very optimistic else id not survive the failures of this world.
The thing that i argue for…is also positivity but we have a difference of perception in seeing it.For you positive thinking is a denial of the existence of negative. You want to try to find a positive out look in every happening. In my case positive thinking is hoping and trying to be positive despite the existence of the negative and unfavorable circumstances. Its like this you see a cracked glass and say ignore the crack …its a beautiful glass anyway…id say no it has a crack and still there are some ways of cracking glass which makes them look very pretty but neverthless there is a crack. Its never the perfect clear glass the way it was to be.It is here that our perspectives differ.

Positive attitude may make you succeed i guess more so in today’s competitive world where there is no time to get over wounds true but then how it relates to living life i doubt.

To write only positive stuff when i relate something say on my blog is like telling myself what i choose to say…i.e like whatever i see i say yes thats fine …thats right …thats good. Its like denying the truth and claiming to be happy when you are not and constantly doing it trains one in those great areas of being unattached and unaffected.I think that takes away the pleasure of being a human being.Saints may be great but m not too fond of them.
The ability to feel is very important as per me.”To live with the saints in heaven will be eternal bliss and glory, But to live with saints on earth is an altogether different story!”
If given a choice between feeling numb and feeling pain i guess i will go for pain because pain symbolises you are alive…..it makes you hope for it to end and bring soothing.I hate the feeling of no feeling — of no sadness…because then it means no happiness.I am not very fond of the nirvana state….beyond happiness and pain.

But all this is for me…there are people for whom it works better to cultivate such attitude of unaffectednes….its helpful….it makes life easy though its hard to cultivate the detached attitude.As for me no ….. i like to be angry….sad and then find something to be happy despite it and i can be that …my greatest problem are always a bunch of people whose thinking is very negative with respect to my chosen ways and thoughts.These people are present in every sphere and while negative people are to be avoided is suggested its not posible in reality u have to deal with them.

The problem at least for me from your perspective is this …if you deny the existence of negative and take all things as same as in your case positive then you stop feeling you start laughing and saying you are happy about everything this slowly makes you kind of inanimate in the sense that you lose feeling.

May be thats what all those great teachers preach the state of being unaffected by anything but personally i am not greatly in favor of that.Human beings are supposed to feel and yes if something goes to extremes one should handle it but taking all things as same as is preached in all our great stuff is not my cup of tea.
I dont find it great…this sense of unattachment of being unaffected…and your way of positivity is similar to that .Whatever happens you say may be something good is why it happened but all i ask is fine you are true but i think yeah but if it had happened as i had hoped it would have been very good.
My fault was by sulking too much on that “very good factor” i lose the “present good”.
The past few years  surely changed that aspect…..i probably live more in the moment these days than for tomorrow…but somewhere i miss the hope for tommorow.
I never was negative dear…After all my favorite line was and is…
”Tomorrow is another day”.
P.S: All this is w.r.t me……you be happy truly as you are but never pretend to be happy.

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Read this somewhere………”Einstein said when two people observe the same event, because they’re two people, they see things differently, it’s not the same experiment”.
Well i am not going to describe any scientific analysis of this…I have a tendency to look at everything from an individual ‘s point of view..what i hear …what i see.not me as an individual but any one person…i dont look at an incident and assume how it will affect a generation …a society…I hate generalisations of all kinds.I always look at something and wonder how it will affect me or her or one kind of person.
So when i read the above quote it automatically brought up the very interesting question that we think and rethink philosophically ….. einstein simply put it scientifically…..”Relativity”.The same incident…the same object means different things to each person however much we try to beleive in human cloning.The fact is people are always different…they just tend to a similar behavior to conform to society.I mean i rarely get a chance to watch TV..thats my sisters domain…as the computer is mine.So today when i chanced upon the remote and sawIndia Inc…there was an interview by Anu Agha of Thermax.Good stuff…inspirational as are all succes stories.I’ll not delve much into it.What i remember of that show…well she was telling my husband said …..”.Read…do something more productive …dont sew…keep cleaning……Dont do all stuff that others can do”.Ah how many women can be that lucky….but then i guess most women dont want to be that lucky too.They are happy to clean ….sew…cook.I just remembered my friend in the neighboring office cubicle whose husband would say Read..do things others can’t do AND also cook and sew.

Anyway i guess i better leave this topic and get into what i thought about my above thought. The thing is of the few people who might have watched that interview … i doubt how many would have remembered that line.Same things …Same words and we make different worlds …out of it.
But the best thing on this i thought was how we remember things…the same incident..the same day…every onehas different memories.I really found this subject very interesting.

So when few years ago i chanced a book on a subject similar to my thoughts i liked it.Its called ‘Ignorance’ by Milan Kundera and while i would not say its very good or great as people may confuse those words for a thriller…its actually a very interestingly presented account about the way we remember and accept things.Its about a man and woman who return to their country 20 years after living in a foreign country.They had a chance meeting 20 years back and while one holds it as such a precious moment of her life…the guy simply has no vivid memory of it .The book potrays excellently how incidents in time may be shared…….but memories are very personal.The subject is infinitely interesting than the book….but its a good book for people who like to ponder.

Funnily i remember i even tried out a test then….. i asked a friend what he remembered about the day we joined office for the pre job training.Well he remembered the rain……well it was a prominent thing but somehow it never came to my mindonly when we spoke did i rememeber how much it rained then and how lovely it was.My memories were all of guardedness…..in unfamiliar territory and the tree i watched from the window .It had beautiful lavender flowers (its called nili gulmohur– jacaranda tree…yes!!!!! i found out….how i loved to walk by it…never could walk on them…..all lavender petals strewn on the ground).Now of course i too remember the rain.
Id like to write more about it (and another eccentric book by the author)but i dont have the book and …what i have is a memory……of having read it spending a whole day in a library alone…eating 5 star bars for lunch.
Ah now i remember more amusing things….as i say this.I was arguing with my mom “see you ever tell me why you always still eat chocolates so much ……then finally i told her ….you know i saw a guy yesterday seriously walking alone by our office munching a large Cadbury’s.So whats wrong if we still love chocolates.”
Times may not have changed factually on the social front for real time…but some things have.So you see Shahrukh for lux……Fairness cream for men…and men munching chocolates and fighting for chocolates.

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Mindless Post


Mindless talk…
Utter Nonsense….
What am i doing here…
I am lost…
I have lost to myself………..
I even seem at a loss for words…
Its as though it does not matter ..
every day comes every day goes and so did a year.
Its amazing so much happened all over last month and yet i dont react…its as though i have lost it the ability to feel for myself.I who could cry so easily once dont react now to some greatest revelations i hear.
Yeah true whoever the person who said it

” any idiot can face a crisis .It is day to day life that wears you out”.

This whole everyday home office merry go round that has restarted after a really whirlwind vacation makes me feel so utterly hopeless.Then again my life lives murphys laws at its extremes.Its not if anything can go wrong it will…in my case its “if anything can go wrong everything will”.So here i am stuck at home with mom away and our maid resigningfrom her duties just a day before mom left leaving me high and dry and irritated.And then the gas stove has gone bad leaving us both sisters fighting over the one singleburner.Jeez this is sick writing i know…but it’ll be funny hopefull when all this gets over as of now its sick.Then you reach office late to sarcastic good mornings and grumbling people about how some ppl come at 10 at leave at 6.huh “who asked you not to….who asked you to sacrifice your time for the greater common good and then looking at the peanuts handed over in your appraisal mutter at every other person.” i think.anyway my policy at my office is strictly on one line”Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not tell them”..so i go on laughing along……not that i am a way too wise by their stuff….like some who memorize all commands and some who spend hours working on data that in the end is always manipulated..and some really brilliant and admirable ….its just that i am wiser about people……about life…it never gets any better…just worse….well hope not.So thats it…. hope it is that’ll carry you through anyday…“umeed par hi duniya kayam hai“…meri ummeed ..well thats the problem…i ve lost hope or dont beleive anything i hope for is gonna work out…what to hope also i forgot…what do i do to get rid of this hopeless feeling …play mind quizzes on tickle….Ive lost it literally.Im in a bad no not bad actually listless mood …..very cynical …. yeah that sums up this most terrible post.I complain of having no time and write up such nonsense….Whats up with me…nothing ….New year .
Hope its happier for everyone else at least.

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