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Archive for February, 2007

Ok well things have gone as haywire and yet as fearfully expected.The fears come true so dont fear them hmmm is that what it is ….ahhhh whatever.

In There i used to be like the center of most happenings at work…and i said i am fed up being surrounded by same set and at center and moved in here……. a perfect novice ….appearing actually more quiet , unsocial, strange than i actually am(of course relativity is a factor everywhere).

I seem to be nowhere and noone. Well not bad for me cause i am not very fond of being at the center in general its always been the backstage and backbenches that interested me. Only problem is if you want the money out here they say get on stage… and play along…and well now actually it is the only issue .
Now i know all who knew me in there where i stayed due to my inertia problem would say why did you give it up all and go there to start from a scratch…see this is what would happen…as if i had not contemplated it. I sure foresaw it and still made the choice.
I dont like it here nor do they like me in here.Cool…but well i thought lets see how it goes but then on friday they gave me a good excuse to move me into somewhere still new…AArgh.
Firstly for 2 yrs i never moved and now in 2 weeks …2 new places for me….huh. Not that i mind yet….till i see what the workload is like.
But the greatest tragedy on my resume is this….i am in such dilemma …which shall i put on it for the interview.
Unlike others who are good at either A /B/C. I am just familiar with all A and B and C but expert in none coz never got to work real time full fledged on any more than 2 weeks basic ramp up. So should i go for an interview fo A /B /C. Or may be just play along with these put her here / there game.

Though i must say she put it elegantly….

“you see in the x proj there is a crunch need and they want some one commited(i.e stupid to stay stuck for two yrs in same place) and i was asked how are you i said she’s very good and all”

All this was said in 5 seconds like rapid fire so that shows how it was meant . I was too quiet for my new hyperactive and ever food loving lead. Added to it i continue to hang out with my old friends from my different project a floor away and hence not mingling greatly with the team…. “a team that eats together esp snacks stays together” is the theme .

I though essentially beleive its my fault…i did not go simply because the bunch was a group of lucky freshers …they got a great technical project while starting off so very glum and surprised anyone who’s not familiar with their technology is suddenly senior engineer.

More importantly too investigative kind….i mean i honestly don’t know how to fend off such people at work or rather people with whom you are supposed to get along with.

I am new here and need help getting around with what are called known issues in projects s o i need to get along with people who’ve been here long enough to know the known issues. Now i have this lovely girl…very smart and investigative out of college a year ago and here’s the blantant drill she gave me with her demanding and coyish smile.

She:Are you a ASE or a SE

Me:I am an SSE

She:Uhu …since when are you here…..Oh so what is your salary

Me:xxxx

She:Oh so when did you have you appraisal, how much did you join for

Me:xyz

She;Oh so You had experience in other company too before ..oh where was it,how may appraisals you had then.

Me:Er wait i have to finish this …will talk later

In 2 minutes flat she got info off me so blatantly…i mean normal circumstances no one could even have dared ask me such questions directly….but such is what happens when you are supposed to gel in a team .

Thus i am glad if i am looked upon as unsocial and quiet and one who leaves on time. Out here they love the office and works a great excuse…most of them leave together…what bonding.

Now all this is cool with me …if only if only…….. all this would not affect the only reason i work at this software hell….my paycheck. Heck it does and so i want a way out….which way is the problem as i mentioned above A/B/C.

Things seem bleak now though……i remind myself the way i am wired i dont remember liking any place since school itself when its new….and remember all good things 6 months later. Thats the only solace.

So very fed up kind of mood that even did not feel like shopping but just went along with sis taking leave early at office once i heard of my new confusions there and what ho i got tickets somehow just on a hunch for “honeymoon travels.” Well not a bad movie though there’s hardly any story its more like an introduction of all the couples…it was a nice concept if only they wanted to tell a story.

What anyway felt great was that we got the direct bus home instantly after the movie…no wait… and well what a releif that can be.

And then i laze around on weekend worrying about all stuff and end the weekend with this post staring into a very uncertain week ahead.

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Incoherent lines…..

What do you write when you can never write coherent phrases or sarcastic lines or cynical venom . You end up writing some strange poetry beyond your own understanding at times and sometimes its like silence.
One wishes silence could last.

At times i used to look at certain abstract paintings and wonder …
heck does even the painter know whats he had in mind
when he painted it.

It is at such times that i either don’t listen to music or listen to the loudest incoherent music….then i wonder may be that why so many people most of the time prefer loud blaring incoherent music.
They just want to forget…

I wish i could too ….
I wish i could learn to compromise…
“Compromise is the end of dreams”
I wish the dreams end
Or do i ???

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Its again one of those times anxiety is like my top priority .Added to it i am not sure what to be happy about and what sad. Finally I am moving from my project…well considering the hue and cry i make about it i should be happy but then…………..

Two years of getting used to something(may be cribbing about it also became a habit) is hard to let go.Cant say i loved the work…i did not but yes sort of it started belonging to me ..the project over a period of time.

More anxiety ??????? what am i getting into ?????

How will the people be in the new project ????
Its difficult i felt when i got introduced into the new team…that floor is kinda sooo quiet…

staring into those monitors…..

compared to our project floor where we actually love to speak either loud or in hushed up secretive tones.Actually more than anything thats what the anxiety stems from.
New technology and all may be like slowly but surely grasped have some inner confidence about that….but if people are not of the kind i am ok with then what.

So was it ok to give up on a whole set of privileges gained over time and open yourself up for appraising worthiness yet again ??????

Yet again you start from the scratch…..
If you could be a little absolute business like its so simple to jump around from company to company ….
but what if you can’t afford/dare that.

Such simple issues yet so complex i make em……..
I dont know i did feel bad…very upset probably about leaving a bunch of people so suddenly …its just downstairs but yet its never the same sitting around in the same bay….or saying hi and all such once in a while.

I guess for all my talk i am eternally stupid…i hate farewells and though i laugh em off….i really really hate em.

I did wish i had left the company itself but things sort of dont work as i plan ever and so many diversions…no one to blame but myself….in the end.

Don’t know how it will be……..heck i hate it…the way it was…..all come up and say hey congratulations…”uve got it”( its that hard to get out of our project to other projects…most ppl leave the company..the easier way).I was feeling lost it was too sudden…i was asking for it since 3 months in a tone they finally perceived as a real threat and on Friday morning i was told ….ur off…go join there. Its sort of unnerving…..

But i hate farewells…though they are my destiny…as soon as i get comfortable somewhere i suddenly (yeah its always sudden) have to move.

Just when i got used to my school dad got transferred.
Just when i got used to one hostel …it was time to move.
Just when i got used to my first job….i resigned on a sudden note.
Just when i and dear friends had enough time/money to have fun they get married/go to US.
Just when i could sleepwalk through my work….i am moving to a new project wherein i have to re-check my vision and get a new pair of glasses to finish off things.

It leaves such a sad feeling …yeah yeah…youve to move on.
As they say you move on.
I will…i always do….but as of today its that weighed down feeling.

Lovely poem was all i could think of

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood ….
…………………

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

what kind of difference……..lets see…
it would be on this blog i guess.

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