Archive for April, 2010

A sudden bend in time

The last month and half if that could be a time frame was a sort of surprise , nothing I can write in here much of as I cant see them yet of any serious consequence for good or worse but yet it has changed so much or has it ?

I have been quite clueless about literally everything happening around me and so I just let it go on. Meeting people you thought have all but forgotten you and people you have sort of taken for granted dissapearing suddenly.People who you hope would stand up in life falling into ruts of such low that you don’t know if to hate life’s cruelties or hate the lack of spine in such people.

It has happned to me sort of earlier if not exactly but similarly. A sudden pattern wherein all the people in life just dissapear.Being not quite a social person this unnerves me in ways, despite the fact that these werent the most important people OR people I depended on .They were just people who sort of kept me ensconced in the world of my professional life which pretty much is my social life too.

Two friends moved suddenly to differnt cities for personal reasons and my teammate (against whom I do rant and rave here and yet we pretty much kept this strange team that we have going )left finally yesterday. We never agreed , we had differneces and yet we never let anyone else use that against us within/outside the team . So now suddenly its like I am stuck alone in one big mess. And in a few days another kid who used to be with us also is gonna leave. I sort of seem to be the last person standing in a old falling castle.

I wasnt sad , neither was I happy , just unnerved by a sudden vaccum in a not very nice world.Its like everyone I knew in my office is quitting and everyone I knew outside office has already quit this country.

I too want to move on but as usual its so many things fears , risks which hold you back especially now in such a uncertain world. And so it goes on for me like a never ending saga. I am at a very clueless point in my life. Things dont make sense either ways when I look at anything.

It reminded me of Kundera’s lines in that opening chapter of “The Unbearable lightness of being ” (posted previously here )discussing the idea of eternal return

We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.

There is no means of testing which decision is better, be­cause there is no basis for comparison. We live everything as it comes, without warning…..

And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself?


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