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A quick jotting

Somehow was feeling this has been an immensely depressing year. There hasnt been anything good for ages in life but this year it has been like the end of hope.
I was thinking about forcing a change , taking risks and all that and this crossed my mind – Sounds stupid but well !!
To take a risk and jump off too you need a cliff
What can you do in a vast desert – beyond giving up and hoping to die
OR keep dragging yourself on hoping fate lands you at an oasis out of the blue.
But yeah its again onto fate …..What can you do in when all you have is shapeless pointless and endless sand ?
Well as I post this I thought again – May be stare at the blue sky and be delusional that there’s water – all you need is to stare up

Usually quotes come to mind as I write some thoughts but when I started to write this post after much laziness preventing any writing I could not much recall any that fitted the exact thoughts in my minds which triggered me to post this until I found this.

“To praise the sun is to praise your own eyes.” – Jalal ad-Din Rumi

And so you could say for anyone who can really praise anything while not directly involved with it.
While human craving for appreciation is so well known what we do not realize is how few can truly appreciate.
I do not mean the appreciation mailers really I blogged on but more like enjoying something irrelevant really enough to appreciate – not because it is a success or because everyone loves it -But really be able to be touched by something small thats well ignored in general.
May be I am confusing it with many things I think in this respect so lets go to the background that framed the thought.

Someone from our team was leaving – well to build the character first
– the chap can be exasperating in his questioning which is where we started off when he came new
– argumentative when he knows something and absolutely I care a damn about authorities.
He kind of had a reputation for being a confuser – in which I played a good part due to the way he confused me too – but more
esp as somehow his communication style made life worse for him.
But then with time I really could see the passion with which he worked on what he liked even when no one cared and I seriously appreciate that.
One of the downsides of having a policy at work where its like do what you want , how you want as long as what we want is working is no one out there differentiates between how well optimally or precisely someone got it to work.
No one appreciates the finer backend stuff .
So well time went on – we had new manager , new leads and now this guy was leaving and so he arranged a knowledge transfer of his work. There were just two of us me and a new senior lead who was now picking up most of the work writing code and he walked us through – at the end the senior chap just said to me – “he has written it so well”
Something I always knew and saw but there was nothing I could say as in the end its all about what is accepted as working
– in which we had less success
This new senior guy is also a very hard working chap and has made a success out of things so well that stands out. What no one sees is – he writes things to work for that moment – his success is due to his heroic efforts – which in future would be hard to handle by others – unlike someone who wrote it more well neat with a thought for ease and longevity.

But I thought at least this guy had the eye to see the good work – something the so called managers pre-occupied with making ppts dont. And so that incident and another below brought me this whole thought of how
– can we appreciate and – what we appreciate tells so much about us.

My father is one of those persons about whom one of the advertisements jokes – “tab tho un dinon street light ke paas kaafi bheed rahi hogi” (it must’ve been really busy with so many people under the street light)- Yeah he too says I studied there .

Nevertheless he was viewing the new 5 star add where two guys sat on a wooden horse thing and well he said “what crap is this . They pay lakhs for this nonsense” . Well I thought – Ok he’s off on his usual rant – but then he remembered a ad and appreciated it – a rarity and that would tell so much about him – its not a enjoyable or fun ad but he appreciated it.
“He said that add where a kid takes a wire and makes something like tongs for his mother – how nice that concept was” – It was for Havell’s fire proof cables
The fact is my father is one of those people who loves making things out of such crap which exasperates us no end as this pretty much means nothing in the house can be thrown out – everything could be useful in some way !! . Yup oyr house is full of old wires being used for clothesline – broken shoe heels can be fashioned into door stoppers and what not 😦
And so I realised that was why that ad touched him and he liked it .
Just as someone who loves to code appreciates a good code.

Indeed to praise the sun is praising your own eyes – your own love for the light & warmth it bestows

It wasn’t a trip I planned nor would I have.A trip to holy places is never on my agenda. No its not because of my aversion to stringent religiousness . It is more because of what it does to me.
Every time I visit those pilgrimage spot strangely it happens to be some special day when crowds throng more than usual . And then in those crowds I do not see God. I see the lack of what they call God. Yeah I know its all about perception.
I do start out hoping as people say that in places like haridwar etc you find peace , are touched by divinity of the place and so on. And then you get rushed up in trains pushed as you walk through to the aarti, misguided by locals , of the fake ritualistic talk by pilgrims and the whole milling population around does not arouse any divine feeling. It depresses me no end.
The chilled water does bring some peace if you manage to sit calmly at the ghats but every time you see people you see all that is wrong at least what I feel wrong played on like a exhibit repeatedly.
You see the dirt and plastic in the water and then someone calls it holiest of the holy
– its hard to be blind and its worse to see so many being willfully blind.
I would love to be an atheist & some do brand me one but then unfortunately such certainty never sat well with me . I’ve always been the lost agnostic & have reconciled myself that I will stay the same in this lifetime.

The river had its beauty & held its own as you gazed at it late in the moonlight but whenever I saw people in and around it it lost that mysticism. And if you stray away from the river well that was it – I found nothing much in the air whatever they say.

And then there was this quick drive to Mussoorie with a terrible driver who simply refused to take us anywhere & so all we had was a drive up the hills & a walk on the road & a garden.

All I stared at was the trees . Huge tall trees have a way of holding me breathless and making me recall the quote
“Trees are earth’s ode to heaven”

Then tried recalling all my Ruskin Bond stories & the pine trees and was lost in that.
Then there was our very young lil friend all lost worrying about all & sundry in the world & future – reminding me of my myself a decade ago and this quote
“It is an illusion that youth is happy,
an illusion of those who have lost it.”

Innocence is so rare in people though these days that even a semblance of it brings such joyful laughter .Almost poetic.
But then life is on firmer ground -along with us was a family from a small town & the lady and her actions reminded me why ekta kapoors serials work. Throughout the trip there was her frustration with a “devil may care attitude” cool husband while she tagged along with a really troublesome boy & a calm quiet girl child. And everytime she was teased about her angry demeanor with her husband she justified it with her own deep insights on marriage – of how they were not fighting – love is all about differences & adjustment & fights are not really fights. That there can never be a person with whom all your thoughts gel & would be perfect.
The words seems true taken verbally – so logical but its the vibe that gives it all away . She rambles on all the while acting oblivious to the fact that her every word showed her frustration with life & how it had depressed her to no end . Her talk of how her aspirations were stifled and what a brilliant teacher she was – and how despite being someone who handed out corporal punishment at college she was oh so liked…you despise them when you hear them at times & then you think & feel so much pity & you end up in despair deciding on your own emotion.

Then there was the family we visited – for all our talk about all the baba’s agitation & its politics we saw how people believed in them. Some blindly and some with their own twisted logic but one could see the dedication – the need most people have deep within for order & discipline & faith as else they feel lost – and how its exploited.
Then you feel your own hypocrisy at times …whatever we thought we never argued for we do not offend our hosts by cold logic .
Would want to write more but its all so fuzzy somehow.

p.s: the nuggets you listen in train from villagers
“I dont know why they force kids to go to school – its ok for city kids as schools are nearby
but think of the village kids – they spend 3 to 4 hrs travelling – whats the point ?? ”
Ah the illusions one India has of another are so bewildering

Last month in one of those moods when I just go ahead and buy books I bought the book Chinaman by shehaan karunaatilake .
Been a very busy month and I still am just halfway through so will post seperately on the book itself.
I started reading the book in train and as I read this quote in there I focused on those lines with a long pause
on the words

But once in a while, the very best of them will…. and thought of Sachin’s centuries
and smiled to myself and though lucky us
we’ve had quite a many “once in a while’s

So When India won the World Cup and that too beating Sri Lanka
– may be Sachin did not fire – may be it isnt a left arm seamer but still I still recalled the quote in that Sri Lanka based novel
and thought of how the moment was all value for a billion.
It probably wont be much of use to most individual lives and will hardly change our daily lives or
cure any of the the ills we are living through yet……. what amazing value it brings to a collective memory of a nation

“been told …..that there is no use or value in sports,”
…………………

“In a thousand years, grass will have grown over all our cities.
Nothing of anything will matter. Left-arm spinners cannot teach your children
or cure you of disease. But once in a while,
the very best of them will bowl a ball that will
bring an entire nation to its feet.
And while there may be no practical use in that,
there is most certainly value.”

Pondering some endings…

Yesterday I was again reminded of this awesome poem by Agyey in hindi.
It was not a happy thing, though it doesnt not -yet- mean directly for me.

Someone I worked with remotely for over past 2 yrs suddenly is supposed to move out of a project he initiated.
In corporate life every decision has its merits & demerits but some how the way somethings are handled at times makes you feel bad.
There is not much you can say to someone whom you reported to for 2 years once a week but never knew anything else.
And all I could think of was that poem.

In Hindsight – I am a hopeless creature who gets nostalgic about things which are part & parcel of life

P.S: Someone please invent a better line to convey that some work is very
precious and dear to heart rather than – ” Its my baby”

Of being reminded ..

A old friend from college days called up and started talking about the reunion of sorts they had in the US of a few of our hostelmates.The conversation made me glad of having this blog as I seem to have a terrific ability to forget many things which I dont care about personally .
May be I either outgrow things completely OR I always just hang onto them never letting go . There seems to be less of a middle path in my case.

She started off relating how S a senior has not changed one wee bit , she still behaves as though she is the center of the world and they stupidly still sort of catered to her. “Remember How she did not even ask about having food when we had travelled so far for her marriage. She even neglected and left our gift lying in the corner crap”

Now I had lost complete memory of such things as S was another of those acquaintances we called friends – no attachment neither any great respect/liking which for me can be mutually exclusive. But here I was being reminded of all that and I wonder about myself.
Why do people bother so much about these things and somewhere I know why I don’t – because my expectation level with people has been very low and whenever I’ve raised it Ive been quite dissapointed.
But then I never raise it for everyone esp when you know that they are not worth it. Keeping it low has sprung many a pleasant surprises with people.I am amazed in fact when people remember me esp as I dont see hugely what they had to remember me for.
Nevertheless, people I dont know why nurse such bad memories which mean nothing really for years together.

It makes me wonder if having a good memory is all that good.
As Nietzsche said
“The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.”
So to complete the corollary “The advantage of a bad memory is that one never remembers the bad things ”
But then may be it makes you prone to repeating your errors – or does the subconscious handle it? Whatever !!

P.S:
I am having some insane time at my office , making my friends say lady enjoy the drama while you can .
Its something like ek resource theen manager . Thats an upgrade from the two I had last who dont see eye to eye literally.
I have so many issues of my own nuisance at home that I just let the drama go on rather than add to my stress,
but if only there was a smart player what an awesome situation this is .
But then only a fool like me can end up in such stupid situation.Lets see how it ends cause things have to move now some way.

and so — Still listening to Udaan’s awesome Azaadiyan song

Kahani khatam hai ya shuruwaat hone ke hai (Is it the end of the story or the begining)
Subha nayi hai yeh ya phir raat hone ko hai ( Is it a new dawn or the start of night)
Aane wala waqt dega panha hai/Ya phir se milenge do raahein ( The time to come will take care of us Or will I again stand at a juncture)
Khabar kya, kya pataa ( Who knows)

P.P.S: I really dont want to write much on facebook but I always end up noticing such inane ridiculous things there that well I cant help it.Imagine you have a Sr manager on your friendlist and on a post – your sister , husband comments saying what a bunch of lazy buggers you are and how the org pays you for free as all you do is spend time on FB . The whole team is a kaamchor.
Seriously even if it was a joke – people are idiotic . Even if you dont care about the job its such downright senseless behavior but seems the world is anyway full of a billion of them . And after all Truth is Great and we should not be hypocrites.

While a lot of people watch movies to experience may be what is absent or what cannot be and enjoy the thrill of it,
there are few movies which end up as chilling reminders of what was.I wouldn’t write much on Udaan really , but that when I saw the movie end , I just thought if I was a guy I’d probably have ended up being that guy in some way.
Its not a entertainment type of movie , but it does not bore at all for most part.

I know we as a society love to relegate people on high altars based on just some social roles.People have kids because its the norm and kids are supposed to be indebted for being brought into this callous world.
Its a chilling story of the middle class we grew up in where its a insult to stare back into face – you have to lower your eyes.Throughout the movie the “aankhen neechi karo ” almost brought back ghosts.
Hell even the location Jamshedpur was almost recognizable having lived in steel cities of those days.

I loved the part where the guy says back to his father ” Its an awesome method – First you scar a child for life (and that always need not mean physical beating scars) and then say sorry”
People underestimate these scars of childhood so much ,I have seen and not all have the same spirit.
I just wondered , had the guy not been in boarding at all would he ever have gotten that spirit – knowing only being a crushed spirit.

Also the movie does try to give us some insight into the opposite side – its about a character who is wrong but – its the same thing – scars of their own memories( somethin which preachy movies like Taare Zameen pe and 3 idiots simply dont. As I wrote in TZP a movie where it simply does not give one scene of empathy for the father)

Many people have past scars – some try to repeat them by scarring others to feel it was right ,
some try to ensure that it never repeats and therein lies the difference forward.

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