Watching Before Sunrise/Sunset

Watched two really splendid movies over the weekend.
Before Sunrise and Before Sunset are two wonderful movies each having a different context though about the same people. One’s about the youthful optimism and one’s about realism.
I have a hard time understanding the fine technicalities of movie making but anyday few things capture me. Good Screenplay and dialogues, expressive but subtle emotions and overall beautiful cinematography like Santosh Sivan does.

These two movies the conversation is all you get and want. The setting may be Vienna/ Paris but what you do is strain to hear every line and considering they talk literally throughout the movie its awesome.

Before Sunrise when I saw in the afternoon I liked it as a sweet movie , the kind on which our DDLJ stuff could have been based and kind of like a memory of youthful times when you wanted to believe in love and all that .

It makes quite a logical question on the soulmates issue which I loved – It goes something like this
“OK, well this was my thought: 50,000 years ago, there are not even a million people on the planet. 10,000 years ago, there’s, like, two million people on the planet. Now there’s between five and six billion people on the planet, right? Now, if we all have our own, like, individual, unique soul, right, where do they all come from? You know, are modern souls only a fraction of the original souls? ‘Cause if they are, that represents a 5,000 to 1 split of each soul in the last 50,000 years, which is, like, a blip in the Earth’s time. You know, so at best we’re like these tiny fractions of people, you know, walking… I mean, is that why we’re so scattered? You know, is that why we’re all so specialized?”
But overall it was relatively much feel good.

Before Sunset is different – its much heavier though a bit shorter(Actually together both movies are less than 3 hrs).
As the director said somewhere it is romance for the realists and I absolutely adored it.

The discussions are more about the world and how its affecting them rather than memories and dreams.

It is when you watch Before Sunset that you love the original movie a little more like you love memories a little more.

The discussion goes on and on in Before Sunset with no obvious conclusion but as is said in the movie – its about evolving through

“Maybe what I’m saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don’t know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I’m older and my problems are deeper, but I’m more equipped to handle them”
Overall its been quite some time since I like something as much. They are a great watch.

Escaping life

This is going to be a long post of mish mash , of my readings , of thoughts , some unwritten snatches remembered and some pieces fitted in.
I was looking up some of my older posts and realized Ive lost even that focus. Even though what I write is hugely diarylike I asked myself why do I write then on a blog, may be because making it a post allowed me to focus on a structure or a thought.

But I seem to have even lost that grip and so I write even less. But whats worse is its become quite hard to read books as I used to read.But I try for my own world is collapsing just as I assumed it would , but hoped it wont.

As quoted by R.A.Heinlein one must never be a pessimist
“a pessimist is correct oftener than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun–and neither can stop the march of events.”
But unfortunately events have proved me too correct for my own good esp at my home.

Tolstoy knew what we was talking about when he started that morose novel with the lines
“All happy families are alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
So is ours .paranoia , hurt ,power and economics rule our lives more than we care to admit.
If I were younger I would have still been complaining but for now I just know each of us are unhappier due to each of us
and its a vortex of hurt we are being sucked into and I fall in line.
Giving up doesn’t solve it.you have to keep fighting it and that is life.
To escape this and a listlessness of a different kind at work I tried my only escape left.Books
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I thought a simple fantasy story would keep me hooked to another world and started reading the Lord of the Rings, a movie which I resolved not to see till I read the book.It was a hard start esp the initial pages I just was losing my patience but it was the Gollum story and Gandalf thing that finally pulled me in and I was lost for a few hours every day.

But wherever you get lost one line here a thought there pulls you back too your own world

Lonely men are we, Rangers of the wild, hunters – but hunters ever of the servants of the Enemy; for they are found in many places, not in Mordor only………………..And yet less thanks have we than you. Travellers scowl at us, and countrymen give us scornful names
“”Strider” I am to one fat man who lives within a day’s march of foes that would freeze his heart, or lay his little town in ruin, if he were not guarded ceaselessly. Yet we would not have it otherwise. If simple folk are free from care and fear, simple they will be, and we must be secret to keep them so.”

As I read this my thoughts of having peace came back to me and then I thought one cant have peace without war , whatever some people preach.You need some brave strong and fearless who fight so you have peace. I don’t like this thought but somehow what I see around me convinces me more and more of this.

The news then got filled up with death of CM of Andhra Pradesh in unforeseen circumstances and you can see everyone for a moment was in shock, not out of of grief for the departed or such but more because of it brought back to people the fragility of life, the helplessness of man against nature .
It convinced the fatalistic even more of fate,
to the religious the certainty of the power of God ,
to the happy go lucky it convinced them that there may never be a tommorow so live for the day
and to some it reiterated their own beliefs.
We all interpret events ,books, movies by our past experiences and deepest emotions ,fears .
How ever can there be an absolute truth?

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Have started reading Stay Hungry Stay Foolish by Rashmi Bansal.Its quite a good collection till now though I must say nothing beats Steve Jobs speech.

Though when you read something like this (its by Shantanu Prakash of educomp)at a time when your pay sucks and career seems hopeless you really feel…Hmmmm lets somehow get out of this

Two years you may struggle. If the average salary is Rs.15-18 lakhs p.a. (gross) how much do you make in five
years? 18 x 5, right? After tax, you make some 50 lakhs.In 5 years, I can guarantee you, any business you do, will
earn you that. Assuming that you are at least a little bit intelligent, within a year, the valuation of your business
itself will exceed fifty lakhs. No matter what you do.

Now its not the logic of it which can be argues , its the sheer confidence and obstinate persistence I think that makes some people successful.But then failures don’t have books written on them.
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A friend brought up Atlas Shrugged a book I read a decade back and cant recollect every scene, but she was a author I liked
though not quite completely in the usual sense.
Ive written about it here.

I tried re reading parts of it and though I still like the conception of her theory its a ideal we can struggle towards may be , but it ignores so much. The Francisco money speech is one of the best in defence of the goodness of money , something you want to throw back at all those smug people who say money is evil.
“When money ceases to be the tool by which men deal with one another, then men become the tools of men. Blood, whips and guns–or dollars. Take your choice–there is no other–and your time is running out”

But what this assumes is men always deal honestly with money, truth remains that men make/buy men as tools using money too and just as “blood whips and guns” money too is a tool used by mankind to gain power(over what depends on the individual ).

Ayn Rand is quite popular among some of great acheivers Ive noticed and you have to say that in her times it seemed right considering what she must have seen living at the height of communism and complete subjugation of the individual, the high ideal that she created even she never lived up to it , because life even for a individual sans society is much complex.

Every individual somewhere deep with is a sum of the parts of his experiences and personas he battles within.

================LIFE SIMPLE ?===================

Someone remarked at office – Life is simple people are complex in a different context?
Is it ? – I wondered at heart. what is life if not people and how is life simple.
People defintely are not but so isnt life. Its just that since we cant simplify ourselves we wish life was simple,
like a set of rules and so we have religion or society or whatever that makes people frame the rules to live by.
And people who refuse to look beyond it and live by it may be do have it simple.
But its a choice in the end and it has to be made.

===================THE GOD OF SMALL THINGS ==========

The last book I read completely immersed into was like 2 months ago and though I was moved enough to write on it I never managed to.
I have had a certain dislike to Arundhati Roys views since well like very long and my tendency to stay away from hyped books at times prevented me from reading “The God of Small Things” . But I guess everything has a time and so I finally read it.

I have a complete distaste for many of her arguments esp political but I say she writes marvelously.
I felt that first when I read her piece against the nuclear tests in outlook over a decade back and was very impressed and her novel is moving enough.The book may have the usual nuisance like the incest parts and the India for the west potrayal (inserted for sales) at times, but I rather ignore them and enjoy the better parts.

She really brings a visual and auditory feel by her words esp her repetitions and the childrens parts there were truly refreshingly childlike.
“Ammu held out the crisp matching knickers for her. Rahel, with her hands on Ammu’s shoulders, climbed into her new knickers (left leg, right leg) and gave Ammu a kiss on each dimple (left cheek, right cheek). “
You could almost see a small little kid girl being readied by her mother.

It was probably a long time since a book had captivated me by its style and writing .
I liked the kids part of the description in the novel hugely for its sheer innocent beauty.

The way life was as I stared at another of the birthdays then I just could think of the lines
“Not old, not young, but a viable, die able age.“

The line keeps coming back in the novel and in thoughts so very often.
And then the below

Little events, ordinary things, smashed and reconstituted. Imbued with new meaning. Suddenly they become the bleached bones of a story.
Still, to say that it all began when Sophie Mol came to Ayemenem is only one way of looking at it.
Equally, it could be argued that it actually began thousands of years ago. Long before the Marxists came. Before the British took Malabar, before the Dutch Ascendency before Vasco da Gama arrived, before the Zamorin’s conquest of Calicut. Before three purple robed Syrian bishops murdered by the Portuguese were found floating in the sea, with coiled sea serpents riding on their chests and oysters knotted in their tangled beards. It could be argued that it began long before Christianity arrived in a boat and seeped into Kerala like tea from a teabag.

That it really began in the days when the Love Laws were made.
The laws that lay down who should be loved, and how.
And how much.
However, for practical purposes, in a hopelessly practical world…

So she proceeds to the story and while its flaws are immense the little goodness outshines them when you read it from the heart.

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Watched Kaminey. Did I like it YES I did , considering that I am not much of a gangster movie fan I still liked it.
Shahid Kapur was quite good and though I did not think it great of anything as so many reviews say I liked it . Seemed like a 70 mm movie after a host of multiplex movies.
I am not very sure but may be it was just my mood which made me like it. My mood of letting this world go to hell I guess.

The music too added to the mood.I love the line in the title track

Jiska bhi chehra cheela, andar se aur nikla(whenver i peeled the mask off a face the face was completely different inside)
masoom sa kabootar , nacha tho mor nikla(the innocent pigeon when it danced , it got revealed that it was a peacock)

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Movies in Busy times: Love Aaj Kal etc ….

Last month I catched up on Movies finally.Two of them were terrible disasters I would say , the third though nothing great saved my day .

Love Aaj Kal is not a movie you would not call awesome in any way. Its good but its more pathbreaking than many will let out.
I mean see Shahrukh promoted this convincing parents theme and last minute – shaadi mandap interrupts and while it looked sweet then it really became unbearably irritating after a point.

So finally we have a movie wherein after watching umpteen Hindi Movies so that nothing in a movie is ever suspense Love Aaj Kal
has just that one moment of suspense and I am revealing it .
Saif asks Deepika ok so what is you status – so coolly- as if its like a facebook or Orkut Status.
So does she at the last minute chicken out of marriage to the other guy rahul Khanna ?
Oh no she does it better.Now I know why Imtiaz Ali chose Deepika the dumping queen .(YuvRaaj must be thanking his stars)

She gets married and next day when her husband is scanning through the honeymoon vouchers she gets her realization and the best thing is the cool way she says. “I have to talk to Jai now and if I feel he is the right person, I will say sorry to you later for all this” to her husband.
Now that it pathbreaking truly in Bollywood.

But apart from such stuff the movie is absolute new gen stuff and is likable though I’d say it could have been oh so better.

Jab We Met was such a simple common story which is like aired every week these days on TV and yet it has a timeless sweetness.I have seen Socha na Tha partly and that too is much sweeter.

Love Aaj Kal is not sweet, its kind of as practical as the lead characters , though the 60’s track love story looks sweet enough , you know its just rose tinted . The not so sweet story unfortunately is more true.There were a few couples who really danced at the theater at the end at Aahun Aahun. They kinda seemed cuter then many parts in the movie.

So while its a no no for puritans its quite fine for a watch.More so for the songs which Ive kinda taken to .
I just love the Chorbazaari number – its like ages since Ive listened to a song for over 3 days in a loop.

Things are bad enough at home and work ,
I got another of those classic emails about latecoming from my manager(the reason as usual though unlike from previous managers was cho chweet, “I dont want my people being tagged as habitual latecomers“) but Ive since long given up and can laugh
and hum
“Dekh ke mujhko hasta gaata sad gayi ye duniya sad gayi”

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Now a few lines on those disasters

- Kambhakt Ishq, Why oh why i went to the theater. The loudness the crassness and I dont know it felt terrible and since
thats a hit , you know why you hate most people around yourself and at time oneself too.

-Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

It ruins a perfect story perfectly. I mean I still recall how much I was thrilled and in suspense when i read this book
and posted this post on it.
This movie kind of is like a art movie, into which they put unnecsarry puppy love which in itself if done would have
been enjoyable. But its a joke and a waste of time.
I had hoped for some better stuff in the last part where they go to the cave to get the ring . That too was not thrilling enough.
Dumbledore death is like so hopelessly done that you do not even get it.Only nice thing was Malfoy’s character seemed better empathised and presented on screen, like its internal confusion etc.
The horcruxes are not explained and they leave the whole thing about Voldemort’s past which I thought was quite important and presentable on screen.I pity the people who never read the books and only watch the movies.

Yet each man kills the thing he loves

Came across this moving poem by Oscar Wilde from The Ballad Of Reading Gaol. (Seems there’s a song by Gavin Friday on it)

Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!

Some kill their love when they are young,
And some when they are old;
Some strangle with the hands of Lust,
Some with the hands of Gold:
The kindest use a knife, because
The dead so soon grow cold.

Some love too little, some too long,
Some sell, and others buy;
Some do the deed with many tears,
And some without a sigh:
For each man kills the thing he loves,
Yet each man does not die.

Extremely boring stuff ahead …..

OK Fate has conspired to ensure that I finally write a post after what seems ages since I last did.
Happenings are perfect -
A mid year\review discussion at office – the kind that makes me desperate to vent out.
And I forgot my laptop charger at the office so no busy busy work .
Its a forced break from work this weekend and Im detemined to make most of it.

As a first proof of my maturity or mellowing down with age I will not unlike my previous posts ham and ham about horrible management.

Lets start it with some unsaid thoughts. I had thought and thought in in myriad hues – about saying this and that months ago but then this got planned suddenly this month and I was not really up with my exact punchlines . Sad hmm.

Life is cruel , My manager received a terrible feedback himself from his team (I was cruelly neutral as has he been) as his scores were out just a week back and the fella while sportingly trying to recover from it goes in for another review and I say Im unhappy and so on….

I have no scope here…this that ….
I am told about how scope in product companies are different (slow moving wonderful elephants).
Then I am asked what have you done for your product and you talk of scope and so on and forth about the innovation and differentiation.

Anyways Ive lost the plot honestly these days.There is lot of back flashes to all this wherein
I am the angry frustrated person among the oh so cool acting people lecturing like “Baba Whatsoever” saying
Take it easy , Calm Calm Cool it while muttering and simmering inside and being sarcastic whenever opportunity arises.

Neverthless when I complain about no feedback – I am told I’ve been told earlier too to schedule a meeting to discuss such important issues.
But I finally get one, I think you should be quite successful but you see you seem to come across as a very harsh person ,whom people are not keen on approaching but people like we who work with you
find you quite fine. So you should be some one people should ant to work for.
Now I quite sportingly said “I take that”
What I left unsaid is You are not the first person and you wont be the LAST to say this.

Faking it is the greatest corporate mantra (or may be the way life is supposed to be).Show a little emotion and you are frustrated. WoW
Serves me right for ignoring all my assumptions about the big MNC’s. But the thing is I’m quite tired in Life and et I have to look forward and plan a move to get any raise.
Half Glass Empty Thinking – First Time in my career – Over 18 months – and no raise and no diamonds
Half Glass Full Thinking – First Recession seen in life (ok lets not think the IT crash of 2000)

Wealth / Knowledge – Perpetual??

My sister for all the uselessness and failure she has built her life into is way too sharp and witty.
She is someone in front of whom you feel that you are absolutely uncreative and what one’d say – can’t think differently at all kind of person.

Was reading Pamuk’s snow and had a bookmark with a Socrates quote saying
“Prefer knowledge to wealth, for the one is transitory, the other perpetual”

Now its a good one and I never thought much about it and if I had thought too I would choose both or say its a tough choice and many many arguments .
But here’s how I was cross questioned.

Tell me where does he say which one is perpetual. The line is open – he says one is perpetaul but which one.
I say its obvious – knowledge is perpetual.
She says how can you say that.
What was recognized as knowledge 100 years ago is not always relevant and you also forget things you learn.But look at wealth say a 100 rupee note/gold it is still the same.
So whats perpetual hmm.

Now only Socrates can answer that. I just cant.
P.S:
I related this to few friends and laughed at it and while some just laughed – one very well meaning and concerned friend lectured – you should have told her and educated her that you too must update urself and move on and make something out of your life and get a job. Some people for all their well meaning just dont get it neither the humor nor the facts – that you just cant change people.Somethings must come from within.
She followed it up with more concerned feedback about how I was not making an effort to settle down.
For all the pain they cause me I love enemies than the well meaning people I’ve been blessed with most of the time.
The last month has been as it is nasty at the office.
I’ve become/developed myself a outcast for most of my Office people.
If it wasn’t recession and I being in a secure but terrible place where of all the sad things can possibly happen professionally – the chance of firings is the least – I would have updated my resume .
Saddest part was someone I hoped was a trifle better too seemed to be untrustworthy at times.That kinda upset me more than anything else.
It feels like being back to where I started from. Of course I am no longer the same but the place seems familiar.

Just a bit of Sarcasm

Sarcasm – I will agree is ” intellect on the offensive”
and yeah you dont just get it just like that
- you need to suffer and then get over it with the spirit .

You could see it yesterday with rahul dravid saying what he did
“Conditions like these give boys like me a chance to play”
Oh how the modest man has changed with all that he has been through and the way times
have changed with the young aggresive men.

But then I will go back to my beautiful school days to reiterate how time takes off the rose colored glasses.

Here’s the lovely poetry by Surdas – something that I loved then and now too
the difference being just the way I think

Translated loosely it says
Where would I find peace and happiness O lord
but am just like a bird on a ship would fly all around and be back to the ship.

Leaving the lotus eyed god who would pray to the other gods
Just as Leaving the great and pure Ganges only a fool would go and dig a well.

Just as any bee who once having tasted the sweet nectar of lotus would never have the bittergourd
Leaving Surdas’s great god who is like kamdhenu(provider of all wishes) who would milk a goat.

I loved the beauty of poem – it was taught with great passion by the old teacher and
I love reciting it just like just that life’s ways make me think of it with sarcasm

Why will some one who has tasted sweet nectar eat Bitter gourd – Ok dear they will if they have diabetes
Why will some one with sense dig a well leaving the Ganges – Hmm if u see the Ganges and the sins and the filth in it any one with an iota of sense will dig a well
And goats milk does have its uses in the health conscious and other areas where the great cow cannot survive.

It means nothing much – beyond that I ‘ve gotten over so many illusions that I now feel it was nice to have them .
As mark Twain famously says
“Dont part with illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist,
but you have ceased to live.”

Finding a safe cocoon in Work Work and more….Work

I’ve been like at my most work alcoholic phase of my life.Its not because I have more work, well its because I am taking it up.
Its not cause I hope for a hike or a promotion (cause recession / or at least the hype about it has ensured that there’s not a remote chance of it) but just because I feel better doing it.
There’s hardly anyone questioning me out here, I pretty much have my way, the team
work is relatively reduced by my own way and Im happy doing individually whatever nuisance I seem to be in.

Things are not very good all around in every sphere of life – so I seem to have taken a kind of solace in being lost in getting the stuff up and running at work.
The work is nothing very innovative(my self reflection tells me I just ain’t into innovation though every company seems to have innovation as its buzzword these days – I like success in implementation i.e seeing things work.) .So this work is more of getting things to work and well seems to give me some peace as I work all day long late at home while no one @ office bothers what I am working on.But then thats the best part of this place – flexibility.

Anyways I kept thinking so much of reading something, watching movies,and writing a post but somehow, felt better to just get lost in work.

It took some troublesome scenarios at home all over again to make me feel like writing again.
But in the end it was because I simply forced myself away from the work and tried to accept the fact that in here – in this life ,I will never have my way without hurting myself and everyone.

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”
— Mitch Albom (The Five People You Meet in Heaven)

You fight your way in the world , hope wish and finally get a small room to yourself and now people wish to move back to a little cozy all in one happy togetherness of sharing and adjustment as this causes trouble and finally something for them to worry about .
Logic has nothing to do with this its just a whim to be taken care of – save pennies spend pounds is what works in my home.You can go on non co-operation movement but then thats the whole point. You hurt yourself as much by hurting some.I’ve tried to break off in my own way as I do not fit in but fate’s never let me.
I do wish to act highbrow and say I do not believe in destiny but I can’t.
But yes all my life I’ve done one thing as is said
“I believe in destiny
I also believe that I have the right to restrict its options” – Ive surely exercised that right – at what price is debatable.

Looked simply its nothing, its just that some people like me were just wired hyper – sensitively in a very wrong manner . To handle this requires immense insensitive behavior and doing that makes you feel bad in general and so you end up being unhappy anyways.(On second thoughts there seem to enough people around me who think I look way too happy despite too many not so good things.)

At work I’ve just one teammate and as much as I am annoyed by the fake niceties of this chap I’ve tolerated him cause its WORK and because unfortunately we are in the same team and started off having lunch together with another chap and my manager since we all joined and now not want to act childish and make unnecessary enemies for no good reason.
But one fine day I just snapped back at a joke made when I was seriously checking some financial stuff and since then the chap’s started being deliberately uncommunicative .
While this would be a reason to celebrate in all normal circumstances it ends up causing immense communication issues during work, so I did what I never do, i.e keep talking as if all was just fine , as if I never noticed that you were being uncooperative.
That I need to be like this causes immense strain to me.
Then there’s my manager – poor chap acts very decent but has indirectly implied that he’s had to suffer in many quarters because he had to go and ask for clarity in work and this he did – because I really made huge noises about it.
I do feel bad about some stuff which has happened but then I believe that was due to wrong handling, but then that’s the problem with quiet people. Its tough to guess whats going on in their head.

Nevertheless I was really stuck up and all, tried reading a book and unfortunately I was a with a book which though different and good was not quite the right one for my mood – “The Autobiography of an Unknown Indian” By Nirad C Chaudhari.

So today I just re-read the speech by Steve Jobs which is something I really love apart from the Orhan Pamuk stuff I keep loving and writing about , then read some blogs and I really feel so better and I finally wrote some nonsense in here.

I will write something better may be tomorrow itself.

Just a few thoughts

Long last year vertigohead recommended me to watch The Jane Austen Book Club on a post comment and well finally I did.And did I like it sure.
Its quite a lovely watch, and while it does make you want to re read Austen.(Except Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility I cannot really remember characters of all other novels completely.) what the movie did was may be inspire me to think about finally trying out a bit of science fiction because that’s probably the one genre I tend to deliberately avoid giving the same reason , that its not about real people
and other stuff like – as it is am struggling with bits and bytes at work why bring them into the book readings too.

Then this week again there was some astrology drama at home and I have such a thing against them since probably I read Macbeth first time.(detailed rant here).

Then that day as I watched Matrix on TV ,I just love that Oracle part.
There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path as Morpheus says.
Well true,agreed but in that case why bother with knowing it .
Why not just walk it believing you will find the path yourself, why is the oracle needed??
So that they can do what psychiatrists do mentally train you to believe the right thing ??,
in that case how can you call it destiny.

I esp like that question the oracle asks Neo, – would the vase have broken still if I had not said that.
Thats how I think astrologers are so much of the time .
Its so much wordplay , psychology and powerplay .
Macbeth’s Witches!!!

Of bridges to build and ones we crossed over

Saw  poem in IKWP’s comment and as I’ve always said when I read or hear any
good stuff in any native language even the best of English words seem not expressive enough.

Sometime last fornight was sorting my stuff and while I’ve written a lot about my English books from school
 I never wrote much on my HIndi stuff which was as fascinating .
In fact I found reciting them immense fun.
May be I should write about those memories since life right now is way too dull and listless.

So here’s one such which when I read I could not stop laughing in memories and when I took it to my sister
 she said you read stuff so much passionately and funnily then that if we had the same books and syllabus did not change I’d have passed without studying.

We both agreed that this deserved to become a poster for motivation in my ofice cubicle.

Its sarcastic, true and yet sweet and funny.It by Hindi poet Agyey and is based on the part from the epic
Ramayana where it is the monkey army who built the bridge which eventually helped Rama and his Army to cross over.

The english translation of this is

Those who build the bridges
will definitely be left behind
The armies will cross over
Ravan would be killed
Ram would be victorious
Those who were the
architects/builders,
would be in history
known as monkeys.
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The poems in that little thin book still fascinate me
sometimes making me believe in goodness
 sometime making me even more sarcastic.(My favorite Surdas poem I’ve made heartless fun of it in my mind by now – will post on it later)

My notes in that book are even funnier. I cant belive my Hindi Maa’m quite a old lady dictated them so beautifully.

shringar ka arth hai premi premika ka pyaar
shringaar do prakaar ke hothe hai
sanyog shringaar – jab ve saath hothe hai,
 viyog shringaar – jab ve door hothe hai

Ah those stupid days
Where to find such IX th Std kids now.
shringaar tho bas bindi hai I guess.

And then I found a ad and a song which I loved  those days.
It used to come before World This Week . The Monte Carlo one.

Hmm seems too plain now ,
but it has nostalgia
which nothing now can ever have.

In fact I looked up all my favorite ads from DoorDarshan those days on You tube.
The Cadbury’s one’s for me are tooo good and oh so many more.
I’ve become terribly old.
You know it when you douse yourself with so much nostalgia.

Scattered thoughts

Been wanting to write since long but somehow things just dont work out. I was just looking up 2008 and I wrote like 3 posts a month. 2009
seems to be starting off worse. It not the numbers , its just that so much is there and yet so much seems the same and so much seems
worthless to key in.

There’s a virtual disconnect with people most of the time. There is work and yet no work which leaves you satisfied about something useful
created however trivial(Thing is my temperament seems to need that ). Seems like just catering to the whims of one and all out there.Have been
trying very hard to be harmonius in  a work environment where things seem to be extremely sour beneath the surface.Though we do the usual
smiling routines the vibes are worse than when there used to be open fights in my previous office.
I am like a neutral point because I’ve become immune to much stuff and am unambitious enough to care to take offense.

I am not keen on moving much from this company now (ok flexi timings and easy work culture is a great turn on) but seems like I
will have to later if not sooner – if nothing else finances may force it.
Things are the usual pain at home, but the change that will occur this year with Dad retiring and coming back home is quite a challenge in itself.

My own hurts within seems to have numbed in life – having given up on most stupid ideologies. I hardly seem to be bothered about much except health and wealth which still constitute worries.
What still bothers me is the pain I see around me-( oh no not I’m not that great now to talk about our worlds’s poverty and the heartless
villians). It just everyday people like me. I still see how we hurt each other , sometimes knowingly , sometimes wantingly and many a time
with no reason whatsoever on the surface and I still get disturbed by it.

Circumstances make us be friendly with people we despise and cold shoulder people you care for, so many times.
And I see how warm people turn heartless with circumstances and it makes you feel  all the more cynical.

A girl asked me about the scope of a job position in R&D in a electronics company and I said I dont know much , it all depends on so many things.

But what I wanted to say was that , we’ve entered the era of Insecurities.
No job , No life , No relation is secure, If one can depend on anything (to an extent that too) – its just oneself.
Everything in the world seems so fragile and evanescent.

I had so many things on my mind all through the last month and yet I’ve lost the ability to put them coherently somehow.
Reminded me again of Evening Solace.
Poetry is sometimes such a solace compared to a story which means a world at times.

Some Nonsense I’m living with and a Gross Misjudgement on my part

This has been one hell of a stupid kind of fortnight since the new year. As ever  appraisal time are as evidenced on my blog are usually very drama oriented.
This year at this new place I am may be doing a complete U turn and writing a defence for the other side. But what is bloody uncomfortable is I am a fringe player in this drama and yet it has affected my mood worse than when I was at the center.

When I was at the center it was a one or two day thing of fretting and fuming and a post or two here – thats it – then get on with it – the work the life. Now its like there’s filth all around and every other day something sticks on as you stand at the fringes thats the feeling.

This is going to be  another of those boring long post to  shake off some of that feeling .

Joining a new project /organization especially one where most people have stuck on within themselves  together hating it -  too much with the mood similar to the “better or worse” norm – for a minimum of three years – (I dont know the maximum )  it is tough enough for someone who’s slightly socially challenged and has dripping sarcasm and being single open for speculation.

But what’s worse here is unlike most places where work somehow due to its sheer quantity and the competition took precedence and blunted the direct effect of such gossip and its different side effects. Here the frustrations and ill will is played out like an art – the sort it probably was done during the Cold War.

When I joined I was the first member of a new team in a set of very old teams working together to safeguard what they could retain by merging into a huge corporation.They like the brand name now but are not willing to give up their secrets or rather what they believe is the result of their hard word and experience to anyone new – their only source of security.

In a way I am fortunate I feel . It could have been worse but then if it were may be I’d have run off again .
I mean I was put in a brand new team – with brand new people and a manager who too belonged to the newer brand .So I kept myself relatively isolated but then our work inherently depends on the old guard. Why they hired us – under what great/ inner agendas this whole thing is going on is yet unclear. Suffice it to say that our team has a slightly differential status as its more specialized in a generic area and not deeply competent on a product only which most here are .
Thus as of now we have lesser work(Not that we mind it – but we were at times desperate to do something more).This sure hurts people who believe they are a slogging workhouse.But well thats ok, I’ll take it any day.

When I came in first the most problematic timing was the lunch. You never knew where to go. In fact I believe it mostly is in any new place and even in older places. One excellent piece on this scenario which is very close to my experience is described in an excellent manner at this blog.

Started out in the inhouse cafeteria room where women who get lunch boxes converge but as I heard the saas bahu sagas and people started getting too personal it made me flee. Luckily new team member A joined and our manager too joined them- being new in this location himself somehow to lunch with the team.He’s pretty easy going and casual and so we did not mind and hence 4 of us lunch together i.e 2 of whom report to him.Now I had very deliberately  avoided my managers at lunch(despite their nice efforts – i was quite abrupt) in my previous jobs. That I preferred the opposite scenario now is in itself is obvious of what I think of the rest of the crowd.This was setting myself up for some crap from mean people but I was prepared for this .

It is relieving to walk to a different building where the canteen is as unlike my previous  place where I was hardly at my desk I am glued to my desk here – work or no work.
It feels better to hear a bit of nonsense about politics cricket or some work related crap rather than being questioned about how your mom allows you this and my mother in law is against this or doesnt your sister get bored now that she has no job.The faked concerns just get to me .Dont know some are may be genuine but I neverthless dislike it.

I am a dull person usually so I surely feel fine when there are abit of effusive and talkative people around , and in such a new place there was this vibrant and fun girl R a northie slightly loud but easy to get along.
I was not down south at the age when people acquire tastes and feel I lack that understanding and appreciation for the South Indian movies and jokes which seem essential to a lot of conversation without getting into  personal matters of home caste and family.
The one thing about her was she spoke out which seemed better to me most of the others who spoke at the back.
R simply is very well known and chats non stop about her  family ,lovely daughter and has a tendency to get very concerned about personal life of others (something she denied vehemently and has now taken as a personal affront – as her new manager now which happens to be my manager(Ah Irony) pointed out that she paid more attention to personal matters- now I pointed out that at least thats how she come across as – even though  she does work  very hard  ).I sure should have more sense to keep my mouth shut but I just tried being some good friend and tried to explain why she is perceived by the management and she should act slightly professional – rather than just going on about my work is professional stuff. By my stupid advice I invited some more cold professional vibes.

I would have cared two hoots but for the fact that I have been assigned something like a consultant on a tool to her and thats being my nemesis.

Thing is for once I simply MISJUGED hugely the amount of trouble being friendly with her will cause.(this post must be a lesson learnt for me).
Not only that I spoke a bit more about others with her than I now feel I should have.
My manager said once you should drive R to finish this job soon now that you too are part of helping her – I felt very upset the way I was being used here by both people.
She walks up with errors and expects me to instantly answer them without any trial and error i.e if you try to compile and check – oh I have done that – next what and next what and acts as though thats what a consultant is for.When you tell her that may be her OS is corrupted and not the tool  as ntdll is a windows file she gives a decent shrug – oh thanks a lot dear .
If she was the same from the start I dont mind – this drama started since the day she talked about her management feedback discussion and I gave my stupid friendly advice.(Silence is golden I remind myself so much now again after

damage is done)

Update: Ok next day R came up and she said , don’t feel bad I was in a terribly bad mood and Never meant to hurt or ignore you in any way.Well at least that relaxed me a bit, howmuch ever she meant it.

She’s built a deep seated negativity about my manager due to one of her past friends who while quitting had enough fracas with this manager.She vents it out in ways our team is rather uncomfortable with and me and A both find it  unpalatable. He’s hardly a great manager – too indecisive ,too  much of a loyalist and has a too much of the traditionalist approach at times – and for me the worst part is sometimes he gives too much of a free hand at work  which people take liberty with – including me at times- but he’s as fair enough as they come I felt .

The Appraisal discussion week is the week of long faces all over.Whatever it is the repercussions were so bad that  finally the poor exhausted manager confessed to us- (that such a assumption would be made was news to him was new to me, I thought that its an expected scenario).
“People here are so unprofessional that almost everyone here it seems expected that you two would be rated higher by me due to our being very friendly at lunch.But what to tell them that even you two are extremely displeased with my rating“.

This was because we both expressed serious concerns and had record of nearly 2 hrs each of furious discussion over it

with him .

Though on my part I simply used it to vent all my concerns over work and all and I dare say his experience in managerial diplomacy was appreciable.
For most of the part I really was fine with the rating simply because the work I did as per me just good and I do not consider it anyway excellent by my own standards.The tragedy is there’s no one in the project with better standards.
Our moot concern was if you dont give us work how do we display our competence and he countered it in standard managerial way.
Go beyond you duty – come and ask and take up tasks. I was blunt enough to answer he should know why I or rather many did not do that, I do not want to be saddled with what I dont like.
What upset me was simply that people who did below average to bad too get rated the same but then in those damn rating system you just have excellent / good / average and anyway in a year and and in a company where the difference in hikes as per ratings(if there are any this horrid year) is usually just 1 or 2 thousand why bother.

So honestly after that 2 hr argument I just was like chilled out and cool as I never was after a appraisal discussion as I never was in all these years. Then I slowly noticed the insecure talk all around and experienced the whole R drama and it simply leaves you with a disgusting feeling.

If nothing it vindicates my decision to avoid the management track at quite some cost to myself.
I just am not comfortable with such people games even if I can at times out of sheer necessity play them I am extremely uncomfortable in this arena and it takes a huge toll on me.

Some thoughts on the chatter and confusions post 26/11

After a very hectic fortnight in November work again is languishing in the festive month of December(yeah for MNC’s it is) – , but I’ve had too many things on mind and too little coherence in thought to pen anything.

So much has happened all around.On 26/11 I was working late night from home with TV on and me glued to my laptop and frustrated with slow network when I first saw the news scrolling and since then watched on till over 24 hrs till I got exasperated at the way things were stretched out.

But the hardest part is the conversations the lunch time ones.Everyone has opinions – so do I so no offence taken but the way it goes on unnerves you.

I have seen relatively liberal people suddenly becoming extremely touchy about religion and to some extent I seem to run out of any arguments on this and at times feel I am succumbing to it despite being agnostic.
Things are such and while one should not desist from calling a spade a spade and that the most destructive harbingers of terror right now are fanatics of what they call jihad.
Fanatics of Hinduism and Christianity and Communism and all are the same – a horror for humane peace loving society but the one difference one sees is while most other fanatics are somehow outnumbered or at least well matched by the liberals of that sect or community,this seems sort of difficult in a religion where any voice of dissent has a fatwa issued somehow(not always literally – but imagine the plight of being a outcast among aggressive followers of such a God esp when projected as a voice against their God).

The deep rooted passion and aggression displayed by fanatics of terror is lacking in the just and peace loving denizens of the religion.
My stupid doubt is if you can be brainwashed about injustices , is there no shrink available who can brainwash a few about the just things and right things – even in these dark times some good does happen I am sure.

Whatever all this is I hardly believe solution is as simple as most people project it.
Why are people so unrealistic – whether we like it or not partition happened and we have a Muslim population higher than anywhere else .There is no community or sect of any kind which is full of saints and the world is not black or white.

So why do even well educated and well traveled people talk of simplistic and jingoistic solutions. (But when a Booker Prize winner like Ms Roy can talk Trash of the kind she does(Ive some instinctive dislike to her and her recent talk and writings are pathetic) – We just hope way too much from literacy – rediff message boards are a 24X7 proof that literacy does not take humanity forward and education is a different thing altogether. )

People just point to history as a cause for a happening.

History repeats itself because we always hark back to it , get agitated about it ,relive it rather than avoiding its mistakes.

Is is really possible in current scenario of so much globalization to wipe out any chunk of a major community sect or religion and its followers that easily – without getting into the dark ages and making the bulk of humanity irrespective of religion/community/sect etc suffer for decades.

In today’s age of nuclear weapons and biological and chemical warfare how can anyone with an iota of sense believe WAR is a solution.But so many people talk as if these terrorists are a set of boxed out things which can be wiped out in one shot or two. What people forget is the days of winning and losing wars in a realistic sense is over – its all about how much and how long one can bleed the opposition.

In fact i remember the quote from the “The Art of War”-
To fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence;
supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy’s resistance without
fighting.

Then almost every one talks as though Army Rule was is a solution to our corrupt politicians. This from people who make comments about being checked at entry and exit points. Are they really that thoughtless or do people just make conversations for the heck of it.
I oscillate between being irritated enough to argue a point or two and remembering the golden rule of silence.

Everyone says this time things will change – yes one does hope but what I concluded when I heard people was somehow this – There is a serious leadership vacuum in our country.

Everyone is charged up against corruption – against our politicians , against traitors, willing to do things and what not but what they want is a new leader i.e a new GOD.

The followers are ready but where is that leader who can satiate them.

Americans found Obama and they found hope and so “Hope, deceiving as it is, serves at least to lead us to the end of our lives by an agreeable route. ” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Where do we find our deceiver – Nah dont tell me its Maya … – the great deception.

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P.S: I came across a few articles on the Net and so on a relook I too at times on looking back felt  that The batman with its Joker scenario was too much of a coincidence for 26/11 – of course batman is missing.

Though now I do wonder all those fanatic admirers of Joker do they admire Kasab too ?

A Serious Joke

 
Ok I have a cruel streak and here’s a example.But then the world has too much of a stage loving posers for my comfort zone.
There’s my sole teammate at work w.r.t being a peer – he’s a tad short .The chap used to be a bit too effusive with  self gloating humor
 and all and so I too never bothered much about restricting my sarcasm.
Now I’ve shut up but I guess its a bit too late and the way it pans out is worthy of note.
Months ago as we returned from lunch , he with a spring in his step was jumping around hitting some signs hitting across the office corridor.
I remarked in my blunt manner smilingly that had you done this when you were young it would have been better.
He immediately said you should not say such and i realized ok ok one does get touchy .
Today nearly 3 to 4 months later as we were going for lunch he instinctively jumped to hit the sign post and and then checked himself with

clenched fist. I noticed that and later during some remark of his I remarked that you act as if you dont care but this
is how at heart you take things.

And now in front of my boss the joke continues.
He:You know what would happen if I tell to the HR what you said says he.

Me: Oh go ahead tell it to HR.After all i just spoke about the benefits of such jumps when young rather than now.
He: No No This is a hurt to short people and discrimination.
Me: Ok enjoy yourself go and complain
He: yeah then I will become famous about a reverse case of discrimination.
Me: May be but then you dont know how many well wishers I will have who would say what a brave girl – just said what’s on her mind while we could not say it .
He: Ha ha nopes nothing like that will happen
My Boss; Smilingy indulging us while making mental notes – yeah by the end of it all the organization will have to hang all signs too low so

that no person feels short when trying to hit them.

Now all this was done with smiling faces . This exactly is why A joke is always a serious thing.
Life’s a vicious circle we all somehow fall in and it nurtures itself on and on.

Me looking beyond the fab4 and all the change

I did try to write a few things since last month – since typing on the PC was not working i tried writing it down.In fact when Saurav announced his retirement I almost scribbled 4 pages but as was not in a mood to type it.

And now I just dont feel in a mood to type what was scribbled.
My last post was about seasons changing in a very general perspective.
But now since then so much has changed irrevocably in this world.
There will be more dawns,
more flowers will bloom but what moved on will never be back.
There’s my favorite words from that beautiful song – Zindagi ke Safar me guzar jaate hai jo mukaam vo fir nahi aate(The destinations that you pass by in the journey of life will never pass you by again)
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Phool Khilte hai(Flowers do bloom)
Log Milte Hai (One does meet people)

Magar Jo phool patjhad me murjha jaate hai
Vo baharaon ke aane se khilte nahi(But the flowers that wither in fall do not bloom when spring arrives)

kuch log ek roz jo bichad jaate hai
vo hazaaron ke aane se milte nahin(Some people from whom we seperated are not found even by meeting hundreds of people )
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So much has changed with nothing changing on the surface.
Somewhere far there’s euphoria over a new President elect who people believe will bring in change.
The problem with such euphoric changes always is what change is not exactly anyone wants to think about.
You want to numb the pain and any thing like tranquilizer is good.

But nearer home and nearer to heart is a much smaller change the loss of our very own tranquilizers I guess.
It was a strange feeling this whole australia series.
All the time thinking more of the past series I was.Its taking some time to sink in.

No Sourav to watch any more…Kumble wont be around…
And people are after Dravid now and he being in the form that he is if one thinks by the head he better go with respect.
He has done a lot good and it would be sad to see him have to be thrown out without grace.
But when you think from the heart you just want it to last just a wee bit longer.May be till another abroad series.

Of course the last cut whenever that comes would be the hardest and its kind of a dread.
Cricket for my generation at least for me will never be the same without the Fab Four and esp the most special of them Sachin Tendulkar.

I dont like to write much on it because of huge nostalgia and stupid sentiment involved here.
Watching his cricket was the brightest light in my darkest days.

The Team photographs watching them together for may be the last time reminded me of my collectibles from college.
One being the Outlook magazine with the cover of the three of them as the Trinity.(I must have wallowed on this previously too in my blog)
I still look at it and think over the huge turbulences that happened esp since Chappell stepped in to scatter them , but it was so heart warming to see them all together at their felitications.

There seems to be a philosoper’s calm descended upon me or may be i just am acting it to myself
 to prevent looking back.Change does that to you at times.

Will still watch cricket after Sachin too signs off but it will just be a nice game.
There wont have tears anymore for a loss or for a wicket or a crazy joy within. Just pure fun.
There wont be any need to hate Mom for switching off the TV late in the night that is if i stay up till late.
Ironically she never does that now but then can I tell her its too late for the compromise or nicety or whatever.

May be there will be better players somewhere down the line lets see but I doubt if anyone can arouse the emotional attachment.

 

As Oscar Wilde put it
“The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life.
 And the body is born young and grows old. That is life’s tragedy.”

Our era is pretty much over…..the generation signified by the Fab Four in cricket – Shahrukh /Aamir and a few in Cinema  – a time of optimism – open economy – where being a world citizen was the buzzword.

Now there’s change – Dhoni – Abhishek/Ranbir kapoor etc and way too many – aggresiveness is a mantra – protectionist economies – and localite populism to the core is the keyword.

Not that I dislike so many of the current . I enjoy them but just that they fail to have  much of any original identity beyond being young and upcoming or leave any lasting impresssion except may be Dhoni for his unflappable calm if nothing else.
You look at Sreesanth and almost feel like supporting the opposition at times and thats the terrible thing.

In mainstream Cinema almost every heroine looks the same  and heroes are trying to also fit into the same mould.
Of course the offbeat movies now are quite a joy compared to what was available before.

“In a crazy world, it’s only your insanity that will keep you sane” -=-Leo Buscaglia.

So Right now I am getting nostalgic being immersed in reading all articles on net and news and stuff on TV about them just like I used to  before I had a real job and all and a future to work for.
The future anyhow wont be coming soon anyways so I let it hang in suspension and spend time looking up the tributes all around  from equally stupid people(who make me feel so sane) who even in such a state pen emotions so beautifully . I empathize and even sympathize. One awesome piece is here on cricinfo
There is only 1 time that i ever failed in my board exams and
 I did nor care much about it that day as India had won then – so states my diary – Ah my life.

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I also got a scanner at home so I finally somehow decided to destroy my juvenile chronological personal diary.
Its presence caused useless trouble of misinterpretations at home once which makes me empathize with
  Ekta Kapoor’s storylines of misunderstandings so I did not want it.
You open it , read the hurt the pain and you see how ultra sensitive you were in a practical world.
So yes when I look at it I know I have grown up – becoming the cynical realist if nothing else.
Though one must say juvenile poetry is horrible to look back on.

So much of the writing is self focused. Someone said that – I said this – and then the quarrels the environment – the fears.
My blog now kind of like radiates my thoughts about others from me.
My diary was more like how the world around me and everyone’s actions radiated themself in to hurt me.
I can only laugh at how long its been since I believe that I as a story should have been done with by now – by the creator.
But the best part of it is – It shows my descent into agnostic behavior from a beleiver.

My dark future imagination actually has remained mostly intact from my diary days to my blog days except when I write of books.
I always seem to start with some tragedy of mine except  when there was a India win or Sachin century.
None of my fears were baseless or unfounded just that I have always  underestimated my resilience once I have lived and cried over them and overestimated their ability to finish me up.
So yeah I am quite a survivor till now though where this journey ends will decide if its any worth – this survival.

Noticing the seasons over a weekend

Every year its the same seasons for us and they come and go whether you notice them or let them pass by busying yourself in the necessary activities of our mundane life .

Yet there will be a day – some day when you some how suddenly see it or rather feel it – That the season’s changing and then feel as if its something to be noticed.

It was a late Saturday afternoon and after being tired working on a issue which seemed worth exploring walked into the balcony .
The light sun seemed to shine specially on my nearly wilting rose of pink and white hue and then slowly the sun started setting and as I spent time lazing around – you could feel it all in the air like YES!!! Winter is starting and enjoy it for a while.

And then the wintry chill of memories takes you over . Things start flashing in your head – its been such a boring long life most times and yet you remember.
Of childhood gardens -
Of childhood taunts -
Of the stormy dust wind rounded up right in front of the rickshaw as you came home from school -
Of things you’ve given up on
Of people who made you smile
Of times when you hoped
Of times when you believed

There isn’t much to be sad or happy about – its just a day – its just a season I’ve seen for three decades and yet may be its those decades that weigh you down .

Aargh..Just the same

Aristotle was right – absolutely right
“All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind“
And so was whoever who said that nothing changes – life just goes round and round.

Again the same thing(Huh even my normally sweet and reticent friend today agreed once she went to US – that yeah all jobs are the same)
Again a flashy fiery email about what else but workplace attitude.
Again some funny cause – being unavailable for a remotely broadcast training arranged way too late i.e for a product  you’ve already finished a project on .
Only difference – this time the cause is not a single person ( I like to give the benefit of doubt to some people some times ) but simply a comedy of errors or miscommunication (unless I think up a conspiracy theory here which frankly in workplace scenarios  cannot be ruled out.Now I didnt mean outside the workplaces such scenarios are ruled out – they actually are the norm, Ask Ekta Kapoor. )
Ah that line of Karla from Shantaram and how many times do i quote it – “If fate does not make you laugh you just don’t get the joke“
I’ve been getting the joke more than ever these days.
And to think just in my previous post I was sort of complaining about feeling less passionate about venting or raging about anything .Think before you wish dear – Think before you wish.
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P.S: Read up the blog of a chap I knew (Blogging’s become so very fashionable these days since Amitabh and Aamir started it that I feel like stopping writing here – feels as though I ‘m trying to do some in thing).
But neverthless quite a  revelation some stuff – though sometimes I wonder if a lot of it is fact – especially stuff about some gals. Reminded me of the boasting done by the character Raj in “Bachna Ae Haseeno” after meeting the first heroine in the story played by Minnisha Lamba.

Old and Nostalgic

Time just surreptitiously takes away your life – a day at a time and before you know you have nothing left.

Did want to write something from quite some time but its just that have been unable to zero upon anything.
Books I tried to speed read – a few non fiction,
movies – well a few but need some discipline in my head to write anything
the world around you crashing in different ways and means – floods ,stock markets, terror attacks and yet I seem to have become sort of lost in my very cocoon , once again.

Work when its open ended makes you feel busier than when say its target oriented. Work centered around evaluation / exploration of stuff seems a cool thing but in the end it strains you a hell lot more than when you work towards getting done with stuff to acheive a target thats set.
Handling such things then becomes more of an attitude thing i.e how you as a person want to take it based of course on your position in life and workplace and universe too i guess.

You don’t have the pressure of targets – so if you have a take it easy and anyway we can cook up a story and such get away kind of attitude life is pretty cool in such work scenario.

Problem starts if you take it as though you want to put across something substantial for the exploration/stuff you have been working on and you hit roadblocks at everything, and you never know where to stop , what is enough or is it good enough.
Being at a new workplace in such a job sort of makes you more intent on the second option and thus I’ve been feeling a bit like a workalholic.Not that many will believe at my office since I walk in pretty cool at 11 .

Sometime last month again I went through living my usual yearly stress – of avoiding people forced to wish me happy birthday and asking for treats and cake and all that drama. Not that I dont do it for others , but they seem happy about it. I pretty much may be mistaken about them.Who knows.
For me I never since childhood enjoyed it and with time I tried my best making people miss it which kind of had a strange effect.
They missed it that one time and after that never really. So the best way out was join the exuberance and say oh people would like me to be at home and avoid all and then give some treat just any other day to make them feel I was normal enough.

People who somehow crowded my life with their affection, though I never looked or hoped to get it all have dissappeared with time and its cruel ways and it is now you feel the vaccum.

I’ve never minded being alone and loved solitude since childhood somehow but as they say

How sweet, how passing sweet is solitude.
But grant me still a friend in my retreat,
Whom I may whisper–Solitude is sweet.

When I was a child I never had the friends – so may be it never meant that much
but now after these years of cribbing complaining and sometimes escaping a set of people I miss their presence.

But oh I’m older – did not some Ted Koppel say
It becomes increasingly easy, as you get older, to drown in nostalgia.

Or May be I’ve been born old – an old soul – hmm cause I seem to have been drowning in nostalgia since forever. Over 3 years of nostalgia on this blog seems a testimony to that fact.

To hell with All – Just Kidding

Had a real bad day yesterday capping a bad week.Nothing new , just scraping up of old wounds, but Ive lost it and just blew it up.
I just cannot put it up any longer and its these jokes and the “Just Kidding” people who frankly inspire violence in me.
In the workplace you have to be cordial to one and all ,in the name of collaboration, and at home too you get hammered on the virtues of settling down with whatever and wherever so you find some more people to be cordial to. After all we wont last forever is the lament.
And gosh what is it that I earn given all my insecurities (even freshers get paid almost the same
these days for their freshness value, its so  low brow),  but I live among the great new Indian middle class and hence seems almost everyone is after me – only person right now living the high brow IT dream(though deep down they have their doubts , how come she’s still never gone abroad.All companies send s/w engg abroad).
Of course they are just KIDDING.
What is money , after all did they not spend so much on me – i.e buying their favorite things for me .
When i proclaim that  let me live my life in peace for the few years I may live, I aks nothing from anyone – my very own who are the epitome of optimism ,and still beleive in doing or in fact planning everything in the next decade rather than now – question me ,
 ”If you have no such belief in tommorow what is it that you do with your money, where and why are you stashing it “.
This from a set of people who never know or care where they blew up all they earned in three decades – to me who’s earning since just last five years.
I used to walk 3 km to save Rs 5 on my Internet expenses because the way I was handed out pennies I hated asking(now the story is we gave what you asked),
I was shut up on one occasion too many saying that I could not earn a penny so I better behave and now I am told ,
you take every little thing to heart, it was just SMALL things.
If we take what you say seriously what will it be like ? is what i am told.
Hmm well yeah – WHY DO YOU NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY IS ALL I SAY AND THINK.

Someone in the family buys a car and the whole gang and their well wishers who visit believes since I earn enough and have a plan anyways I should buy a car – take a loan.
I blow up about taking loans and I am advised and rebuked – come on its not like you were paying it off immediately or buying it,
 just smile and say OK and forget it. Its just their way of joking and talking.
“It is your mistake surely – you are being touchy , they just expressed their know how and opinion”(uncalled for is what i can say)
Oh yeah I am being touchy.I am bloody hell am.
At the workplace people who happily had all the fun – onsite jobs , parties and a lavish lifestyle now say well we don’t own a house.
 Look at you- you are single have a house and what the hell do you do with your money ,
you even stay with your parents so hardly any expenditure.Come on give a treat…he he its ok JUST KIDDING.
Oh yeah I am being touchy and stupid and have lost all my patience with people.
Point is why associate with such a hopeless touchy person, more so when she wilfully stands out of your way.
The kind of violent emotion the whole drama inspired in me , makes me realize all said and done English is never the first language.
I cannot express that well enough just wish I could as easily blog in hindi/native language.
Then there’s grossness in people. R made such a cheap remark about S being no good, just because he hasn’t been helpful for her
 in her career plans,such gross spite made me re-evaluate my whole association with her.
I cant handle the raw gross cheap language used. Its nothing bad may be just raw emotion on her part,pure frustration like me
 but getting so badly personal about a person for a few career issues made me feel so very uneasy. And its not like they
stop at that – she expects you to either support her or the opposite person and giving reasons.
After such stress on diplomacy you get home and what awaits you is more of the same, this time more where it hurts.
All my loving ones and caring and always well wishing for me dearies all over my home and in the world 
can you please stop KIDDING with me.
I just was not born with the mood.
You just wish humanity be damned and then say Oh was JUST KIDDING

Reading India Unbound

Last fortnight had so much work that I never managed to write about this book which I really liked reading, and as always with time its never quite the same for me. My thoughts as I say on my blog , with moments- flit by.
When i finished off reading the Introduction chapter of India Unbound which ends with “Although slower India is more likely to preserve its way of life and its civilization of diversity, tolerance, and spirituality against the onslaught of the global culture. If it does , then it is perhaps a wise elephant.” I simply felt like  ha ha Wise Elephant eh – how hindsight can leave you so cynical.

These lines must have been penned less than a five years ago and yet here we are in a India where things seem to be going quite the opposite with hatred and seperatism and religion seeming to be leading the onslaught against peace.

But the book does reflect how the pace of change itself has changed. Change might have always been a way of life , but its become so very fast paced that it becomes tough to keep up with the next happening or risk predictions of any kind.

Coming back to the book as a whole, its splendid simply because its one those few books that manages to talk about economics of India for over a century as a whole with perceptions of individuals especially of different generations as example.It never feels like a heavy
statistic oriented or overtly economic theory oriented and the best part for me is it explores both ends of a equation. The leftists and the Rightists, individualism capitalism socialism and there is no taking sides or solutions of any kind.
Proven solution offering books that irritate the living daylights out of you and one the foremost reasons why i hugely prefer fiction over non – fiction.

Like he says at one point
“It is important not to direct people too much and to let them find their way. It might bring out their creative urges. This is not to say one abdicates responsibility to train employees…..but he or she must refrain from controlling them“

Something I found quite interesting for example was his description of the impression made on him by a  ‘A Theory of Justice’ by Rawls wherein he felt ” moral justification based on consent seemed to me superior than the greatest good for the greatest number“. As he says further “Most of  us
became Socialists because we were repelled by the inequality of capitalism.Having said that it is important to remember that Rawls model works only in a genuinely open society. In the end no society even America is completely open.The key is to ensure that everyone has a equal
start in life and hope to raise to the Top.“

The books starts off with how rich India was but the good part is it does not keep harping on it. It shows why it was that and how it was us who lost it rather than someone really looting it all from us and why we better concentrate on creating it all over again rather than mulling over who took it , and blaming them for what we are now.

It potrays quite vividly about the leftist and socialist feelings of the 60-70’s especially in young people and why exactly once those rose colored glasses were gone the world had actually moved on far ahead.

Somehow as I read this book the movie ‘Hazaaron Khwahishein Aisi” somehow played on subconsciously in the mind.
Like when the author says “As I look back on my four years at college , I am shocked that we were so concerned with the distribution of wealth in those days that we ignored the whole subject of wealth creation……..All of us wanted to be scholars and dedicate our lives to the dispassionate pursuit of ‘truth beauty and justice’ like Socrates“

Then he comes back to today’s scenario
“Today’s undergraduates both in US and India don’t seem to suffer from our hang ups and our Idealism.They have the opposite problem…today’s youth I think need to be reminded, I think that there is a great world out there beyond money.“

His anecdotes from corporate life too make a nice read.
“A Swiss manager of a MNC told me that a sure way to inaction is to put two talented Indians on a Global task force. They will never agree and brilliantly  argue the proposal to death.“
His account of how he was treated by his first managers in India once he came to India after graduating in US makes quite a read.
Another beautiful and for me commonplace incident was his description was of meeting with few young people in Bandra whom he asks “Would you take arts in college” and gets a the true reply.

“Arts subjects aren’t high scoring” …….”in Science you just have to memorize a bunch of facts and luckily I have a good memory“

The author then ponders over that our education wherein no one had told him that science was about learning to  think more exactly …..”experimental habit of mind“.

Nevertheless he concludes that the young are no less virtuous today – chief difference is there is less hypocrisy and more self confidence.
I somehow am not very sure – I must say I see a very different hypocrisy and a tendency to the very old religious extremism right now which makes one feel like we almost want to go back.

As always there might be a simple point wherein you feel strong empathy in any book and for me it was in that one line “For one Dhirubhai who succeeded there were hundreds who failed“.
I’ve been surrounded quite a lot by ever green dreamers of being someone or something like him if not exactly in that sense but getting to the simple point – making  millions soon enough . What none of these wonderful people know ,and if the theory of positive thinking is to be
followed must know is – of those hundreds who failed.

Thing is I feel deeply uncomfortable about is the discounting of the possibility of those hundred and relying on the success of one.
Like a friend recently asked after over a year of niceties , so when did you pass out – oh 1998 – it was a good year only nah(he must have joined college then )and you did not go to US. All your friends in  US must be millionaries by now. What do i say as much as I try. That i know of people who’ve scraped through there, of people who are living well enough there but millionaires, nah I know none.

The book states stuff in a matter of fact style and that is what made it appealing to me

“In the competitive market some will gain and others will lose.Even if the winners greatly outnumber losers, In a country like India, The losers will be considerable.But it has to be that way in a society with a young population that needs to absorb an increasing labor force.One should be aware of the downside of capitalism, but one cannot morally stop the yearning o fthe underprivileged and the poor to rise to a better standard of living…..Nobody knows the ideal social mix.the West certainly does not offer a model ….for its excessive individualism has a corrosive effect on family and society.Individualism is certainly vital in the economy of information and innovation but the west has also learnt that Individuals need a supportive society as well…………………..

…..It is no good hoping that Indian values and Indian way of life will survive intact…Asian values are indistinguishable from Victorian values….Modernization has its positive and negative consequences and we have to live with them“

“The irony of liberalism is that it gives the individual free space, in order to fashion his life, but he is unable to cope with the free space and fills it up with trivial objects….without an ideology – life is reduced to an endless pursuit of cars cellphones channel surfing“.
The core point he puts across “Self interest has always been the greatest motivator of individuals and classes. In denying this basic truth about humanity, we embraced treacherous ideologies and failed economic policies.“

Its something many people try to deny but in the end thats a truth Ive always seen win.

Though there is no startling knowledge one will gain through the book , its a real interesting overview of the interesting times that we’ve started living in, and how that the most trivial things at times may affects us with a far greater impact than what we call the most important incidents ,and what misconceptions we always start our future with.

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P.S: After finishing this I was engrossed by the very personal murder mystery by Agatha Christie “Sad Cypress”. Its so enjoyable to see how beautiful a study fiction offers on human nature, rather than the most philosophical books.

A very cruel thought – Was hearing about the food riots in Bihar – Thoughts went back to the ‘The Dark Knight’ . The Joker won in his experiment?

But sometimes when one sees such stuff one does wish one has real tangible solutions .Nothing seems to convince me that donations by a even lakh people for over twenty lakhs will suffice.And most people like to calm their conscience  by donating a few bucks, but no one thinks who will administer the relief bought by these donations,  a thousand or so volunteers for such a huge lakhs.

Not me I know, Not my colleague or friend or whoever I know. We all have a  life which we may hate but we still have not been able to reach onto such high ideological humanity serving paths.So I really admire the people who get personally involved rather than donating etc in such efforts and feel a bit challenged at never being that kind somehow.

Then you think of Nature and you know that Man has never won in so many ways.
Its become a mutual destruction path the way things keep occuring on and on.
Man destroys nature for his ever expanding needs and Nature destroys mankind in its gay reckless abandon ways.